The first time I attempted suicide, I was only 4 years old. I grew up with abuse and that (along with genetics) led to a long list of crippling mental illnesses, including two personality disorders. After a decade of trying treatment after treatment, I’ve only been able to find help for my OCD. Suicidal ideation has been a constant throughout my near 24 years. I’ve attempted more times than I’ve managed to keep track of, and have been involuntarily committed over and over again.
All that is bad enough, but early 2020, I got sick. It’s been progressive, and after seeing all sorts of […]
Tag:
Chronic Mental Illness
I’ve had left side flank pain on and off for four years now.
I finally got to see a GI specialist.
The specialist thinks my mental illness has caused my physical illness and pain for the past four years. That I have IBS and there’s nothing she can really do for me, and that psychiatric medication is probably my solution.
Unfortunately medication hasn’t been safe for me and no other treatments have helped me either.
I have already given mental illness the ability to make friends.
I have already given my mental illness educational opportunities.
I have given it my ability to support myself financially.
I have given […]
Suffocating is how it feels. I am drowning in every breathe I take. It’s not getting better, maybe for some of us this is the best it gets. I am not a genuine person, I lie so people don’t see me. I lie so people like me. I lie so people don’t see what a colossal fuck up I am. To the people I am myself to, I feel like a burden. Like they’re only my friends out of pity. I am pitiful. This anxiety makes me weak and it steers me into making bad decisions. I don’t blame anyone or anything because I know […]
but soon. i’m ~30. this is a long time coming. it’s been in the back of my thoughts as long as anything else at this point. i guess it just got to be where i was impossibly tired of failing at getting better, not hurting people by being unstable, etc. i always felt too much of an obligation to my family/friends/significant others, or just got scared. the utter frustration of repeated failure eventually ground that fear down. it’s a relief! it’s the first thing that’s made sense in a long time. the only odd thing about it is the surreality of getting one’s affairs in […]