I have always seen life as a quest. It works like a game plan. Every level gets tougher and the monsters and hurdles get more and more dangerous and difficult to cross. I don’t regret having my life but all I wish is to have someone who I can share it with. I did fall in love and then ended up with a crushed heart when the relationship ended. Occupying yourself definitely helps but the loneliness remains. I have plenty of friends but I miss the existence of the special one. Work can substitute thoughts but not feelings. I don’t know what I feel about […]
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Game Plan
So i found the hand gun i knew the old man had. im not into guns cause i have morals against them so i dont work them well but i know it well enough to shoot. so i cocked the gun and couldnt figure out how to fix it without shooting it so i had to take it outside and shoot it. powerful little thing. crush my skull good! so ive been really thinking about using it to end my life soon. but i guess im scared to do it. i dont know why. i cant find anything worth staying alive for. being dead sounds […]
Tuesday appointment did not live up to my expectations but I now have a direction to work in and so have a plan to get on with things……maybe my expectations were too high , probably, but I have a mini game plan to start with so that is something. better than nothing which is what i had before ….nothing…thank goodness for even the smallest of blessings.
MY PAIN SURPASSES MY COPING RESOURCES….that nailed it!!!!
IÂ have more pain than resources to cope with them!
IÂ am working on that!!!
 Friday I saw a counsellor
 I expressed my need to come up with a “””game plan””” for my life
 She helped in connnecting me to a women’s organization who will help with resumes, job hunts, following leads, ( because to my muddled brain this is the crux of my depression, not to mention being off work with a shattered leg)
Please God, help me stay focused and able to hang on until I get to that appointment on Tuesday.
Everyone always says I am so strong but for heavens sake people,  it is a front […]
Chapter Two of my story, which began with, “On Wednesday Night, I broke.”
On Friday, December 2, I attempted suicide. I hung myself by my neck with a cable TV coax strung through a metal shelf. I failed, because I was startled by an unexpected sensation of falling. I told my wife, and she called my mother, and the two of them put me on a sort of informal “suicide watch”. This is what happened after that.
On Sunday, my mother came over and spent most of the day with me. She’s a former cop and detective sergeant in the […]