For 51 days, I tried being clean. I surpassed the urge to hurt myself using a blade but I still choke myself so I’m not entirely clean. Haha.
Tonight, I cut myself on the upper chest area. Not too deep. I’m going to buy new razors though.
Problem? Mostly because I’m lost. And th people around me can’t seem to understand this.
And just 2 days ago, my mom told me that my father doesn’t really think of us a family.
And I thought to myself if I have ever thought of the same.
Even as a kid, the thing I want to do the most is to burn our house down along with us.
Reason? I just want to end this ruse hiding in the word “family.” It’s downright ironic that my mother and father wanted a happy NORMAL family. Turned out we’re all unstable.
But mom has some escapism issue and tried to make herself believe that we are normal.
Not until I told her I have depression. I tried to open up to her for once because that’s what she said. But it made her more unstable.
So I shouldn’t let her in anymore.
Have I ever thought of us as family. I’m sure I thought of my brothers as my family.
I dunno about them though. Do I love my mother or is it just pity? Am I really capable of love?
Even though I heard the words I’ve been longing for from my brother…
” Don’t die. The three of us will still fight in the apocalypse.”
He finally acknowledged my existence. But even so… It didn’t save me.
Sometimes I think I no longer have a heart to be saved.
I can be stopped but never be saved.