You can’t even manage to get yourself to work five days a week. You don’t care enough about yourself to to take care of your own basic needs. Your lack of self-respect is written all over you like graffiti on a condemned building. Everything you touch turns into an untenable disaster – like Midas turning everything he touched to gold, everything you touch turns to shit. You push people away like a plague – even people that care enough to try and help you. You live in the past instead of in the moment. You are beyond all hope. You might as well just blow […]
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For those who are too young to know who Sam Harris is, he won the first season of a show called Star Search back in the 80’s…..it was the prototype for America’s Got Talent. Like me (and Kristin Chenowith) Sam is from Oklahoma. I posted his rendition of Bonnie Raitt’s classic, I Can’t Make You Love Me, two nights ago. There is a reference to “giving things away” during the narration that precedes the actual song. This is a classic symptom of suicidal ideation.  I don’t think Sam picks up on this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WK_GzXYVVw
Original lyrics by Carole Bayer Sager, Bruce Roberts, Bette Midler
STEAL AWAY AGAIN
Baby (Charlie) won’t you […]
25 years of life and I can honestly say that I am a disappointment not only to myself but to everyone around me.
Im always forgetting to do something, which makes people mad. I cant help that I have a bad memory, But no one honestly cares. All they see is that I let them down.
I am constantly being told I don’t do enough, I don’t try hard enough. Im a lazy fuck according to everyone.
I don’t work enough. I need to work more.
More….More…. Nothing is ever enough
no matter how hard I try, Im always letting someone down.
I wake up in the morning wondering what Im […]
Not going to lie.. It’s been a strange, strange week… So I guess I’ll start with a little back-story.
I’ve always found it difficult to make friends because.. well before they’re friends, they’re strangers. And I can’t speak to strangers. It’s just always been a thing with me… I know what you’re thinking. Just another awkward teen… But that’s the thing. I’m awkward with my friends…  Strangers are just downright unbearable. Just the mere thought of talking to someone I don’t know can send me spiralling into a major panic attack. I can’t order food, taxis, return broken items because I’m afraid that I’ll have to explain […]
Well, up until summer of ’11, everything was going alright. Yes, I was still your average 6th grader. Bullied and all. But, my parents were also dealing with divorce. Their fighting kept me up at night. Which, eventually started my cutting habits. After their papers were signed and our house was sold, everything got worse. My dad ended up being obsessed with my mom. She bought a house and he would drive past it everyday. He’d go to her work and sit in the parking lot. Â He would text and call her non-stop. Well, my mom got a boyfriend which caused my dad to eventually […]
It’s 3 in the morning, and I’m not doing anything except listening to music because everything else is so boring, so pointless.
The things that I used to enjoy becomes so mundane.
I’m so scared taking of my headphones and go to sleep.
I’m afraid the silence will be deafening.
I always knew how things were going to turn out. I didn’t quite know when but I knew how. I knew that if something didn’t happen that caused my death, It would happen by my hands. I honestly do not have the courage to do it and I admire the people who do. I just thought that if things got bad enough, I would find the courage. Though I have not yet found it, I feel that I am close.
I am convinced that I am loosing it. In the past couple of years, I have just become such an angry human being that I have […]
I try so hard, but i’m still stuck in the middle of nothing – i try to be something. 😀
… Sometimes i wish that this is all just a dream, but sometimes i wish that i don’t want to live in sin.
Many times disapointed, but I still stand tall.
Waiting for a miracle to bring me up. My eyes are seen my own truth in the world full of lies, oh God is there Hope for us, for us? Similar souls who try so hard – To live lie … I saw everythin but still stuck in prison wearing a chains, oh god can you hear me now? Where are you, i still wanna touch the edge of the greatness but i can’t […]
I feel hurt, angry, a little frightened. One of my best male friends moved in with me and a few other people back in the fall, and we’ve been close. Though, I’ve gotten noticeably more depressed. I didn’t figure out why until today. For our entire friendship, my friend has been trying to get romantically involved with me, regardless of whether I’m with someone or not. Because I’m too stupid and trusting, I had no idea. He’s aware of the fact that I’ve been in a few physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationships, and has apparently been using manipulative tactics on me. I didn’t realize […]
i’ve decided that this is the song i want to sleep forever to 🙂
Angel
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in […]
Once long ago, I trod upon a forgotten path. A withered, earthen, lonely thing. A disarray of crumbled stones, wispy cobwebs and a feral forest of rife undergrowth. My besotted mind was dull and addled; undaunted by this road of such a stifling ominous air. Drunk with my own relentless despair I stumbled through this foreboding path with the grace of a crippled cat. I know not when but quickly I saw my world contort, and twist with alarming intensity. My awareness was snatched by a sudden trance; my conscious smothered by gripping delusions, phantoms and nightmares galore. Before me unrolled the intricate fabric and […]
I’ve went from wanting to kill myself to just lost in the ever dark hole of being an at home mom. I sleep all the time. Im missing my kids grow and I know it hurts them…when they say mommy don’t go to sleep agian. I have many diff pills that I’ve thought about just swallowing as many as I could but I just can’t do it. When I look at my children and loving husband I just can’t leave them. But I feel just as bad for even thinking about it…I am Medicaid but sometimes I’m not sure…
I’m a twenty two year old girl, no I am not a lesbian, nor am I bi-sexual. I am however trapped in the closet. My plastic bag over the head method failed me for the last time. I couldn’t control my body from ripping out of the handcuffs and ripping the bag off of my face. Sheer willpower wasn’t cutting it.
So, I’m trapped in the closet. Its a tiny closet that I’ve locked myself inside and am hoping to pass away in. If I’m lucky I won’t be awakened to my sad life in the morning. If I’m lucky this small, tight limited oxygenated […]
I didn’t successfully attempt my suicide last night. I had my beers and accidentally got too drunk, threw up, and fell asleep. I have all of the basic materials to complete my task. A bag and rope for restraint, is what its come down too. I’ve tried so many methods in the past that I clearly failed at. I’m so disappointed that I’m even writing this now and not just murdering myself.
I just need the sheer willpower to withstand the agony involved with asphyxiation. I’ll have it soon..
Little girls, little boys, crying in the corner why can’t you see?
the words written on your skin.
These the words that make you bleed.
they make it so no one wins or succeeds.
All alone in the world, that’s how you see.
that’s how it might be.
So sacred, you want to be left alone.
but it’s so addicting, the things we can create.
The words written, the words hidden.
under jeans and sweaters too big.
this is the life we live.
The cuts, the red lines so addicting
the days so stressful, and cruel
Parents screams, telling you what’s wrong with you.
our only escape, […]
Tell me about a good place.
A place where I can be me
The weird, crazy me
The one with red stained hair
But my days seem to blend
Wake up, get out of bed.
look at myself in the mirror again.
Hate myself, love myself I don’t know what to do.
Get dressed, put on a mask.
Smile, and pretend
Wanting my world to end.
why can’t these people see?
I’m not the me I want to be
People speak, words that bring me down.
But it’s just another day.
Another day of feeling hated.
Another day of the same old, same old.
Why can’t […]
That moment when you are finally getting over your depression and someone comes along as says “you’re messed up in the head” Just what I wanted to hear.
So..today I had a panic attack in the middle of second period today..I hate it, I hate having anxiety. I know others must hate it too, it like ruins things so know I m on meds to control it but my dose needs to be higher cause it isn’t working anymore and my anxiety is back like it was before without them..Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh meh meh*dying whale noises* I also have bipolar disorder meh and borderline personality disorder..Meh *More dying whale noises* But if everyone else can ‘live’ with it I can too :/
The famous poem goes
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
But I can’t say I agree. I refuse to “whimper” out. Never have and never will. I haven’t always won my battles (Christ knows I haven’t), I haven’t always fought bravely against my enemies. But I’ve NEVER rolled over and taken it.
And Life is my greatest enemy. I will not roll over and take it, like so many […]