I always knew how things were going to turn out. I didn’t quite know when but I knew how. I knew that if something didn’t happen that caused my death, It would happen by my hands. I honestly do not have the courage to do it and I admire the people who do. I just thought that if things got bad enough, I would find the courage. Though I have not yet found it, I feel that I am close.
I am convinced that I am loosing it. In the past couple of years, I have just become such an angry human being that I have begun to take it out on the people around me. I know why but the fact that I cannot do anything about it, makes me even angrier. I can no longer look at happy people without hating them. Perfectly decent people who have not done anything to me, I find myself just plain hating them. Forget facebook, all those damn happy people and pictures of their damn babies. How did I become the guy who hates pictures of babies. I cannot remember a day that I was happy. I am almost 40 and holding out hope for a day like that when half my life has shown me nothing but the contrary, just makes me want to scream and bang may head against a wall. I often think, I must have done something really horrible in a previous life, not that I believe in reincarnation. When I think about the worst human beings that I can think of, the Stalins, Hitlers, etc, I cannot help but think, even those monsters were loved, and likely had someone at one point in their life. That just angers me even more.
The nightly prayers that I not wake up in the morning have fallen on deaf ears. Yeah its funny, I don’t think I believe in God any longer but on the off chance that there is one and he was listening, I just think, maybe this once he would just say why not. I am not that lucky.
I know with absolute certainty that things are not going to work out. There is no final act that just turns things around. I am done. I have been done for a while now and I am just waiting at this point. I want out, I want the courage to get out. I don’t have it yet but I am feeling closer. I am just hoping when it is time, I can at least follow through this once.
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What exactly ails your mind?
I did everything I was supposed to do. I was always the good guy, always tried to do what was right, treated people right. I thought if I just just do what I was supposed to do, work hard, do the best I can, everything would fall into place. But it didn’t. Instead I realized, the assholes get the girl at the end of the story.
I am also incapable in social situations but I figured when I was younger, that would take care of itself. None of that happened, instead I ended up felling out of phase with the rest of the world. It is a very lonely existence.
Imagine having to be a non participating observer being there but not really being seen because you seem to exist out of frequency of the rest of the world. That is me. I cannot do it anymore but I am too much of a coward to end it so I am stuck.
Because of all these things, all I find myself doing is raging.
Have you tried to stop trying to be someone that you aren’t and simply be you?
My son is so angry, he says he can’t help it and he doesn’t know why he treats people the way he does. I want him to get help, but he is really apprehensive. I love him so much.
I love everyone so much and it brings me such pain to see all of the suffering in this world. Please try something you haven’t tried before, take a risk and be yourself, maybe you will not find happiness in that moment, but perhaps a glimmer of hope will momentarily pass before you, giving you something to hold on to.
If you angry at people just because they are happy that seems to be a jealousy thing. Like you want to be happy the way they are but don’t have it, hence forth the anger.
I would try working on your own happiness and also read some anger management material. You don’t have to fill anybodies ideal. Just find your own happiness somehow and forget about others standards or expectations of you.