It all started when I was little. I would look up at other kids doing things and I would wonder: why? why are they doing all that? I know, there are existentialist questions and I am kinda existentially depressed. The meds cannot get as far as my body and I do feel better physically, I don’t feel stress as intensely as before and I don’t think about suicide. And yet, I do think that suicide is the only way to end life because that’s the obvious truth. I don’t want to live it, it’s beautiful but boring. I have lived on this earth for nineteen […]
Tag:
Laziness
So i decided to share my suicide story with you. Â I am 26 year old male from Europe. I had on-off strong suicide thoughts since my early teenage years. I hate myself a lot. i don’t think i should live on.
The reason for that is that i always end up in some really bad, shitty situations. Mostly due myself and my own stupidity, Â laziness or my weak character. I mostly live from one emotional disaster to an other, some shit always happens to me, and i freak out and can’t take it easy. And i effect people around me, a lot of people got […]
AT THE TIME I FELT:
1. I’m an incompetent and pathetic loser who has ruined his life and will never change because of his own laziness
2. I don’t give a fuck about other people or what they may think or feel , not even those who love and care for me. All I care about is satisfying my own sense of personal justice.
3. All I can think about is how much I hate myself and my existence. The ultimate self-punishment is suicide. These thoughts are driving me nuts and will continue unless I decisively end it NOW.
MY TIMELYÂ EPIPHANIES:
1. I CHOOSE to judge myself the way i […]
Breakdown. Well not yet. Nothing is well. I am really close to the edge. Certainly there is no one i can admit this to. I want to cry myself out at this very moment because so much has piled up and i put  everything in my little drawer and now everything has fallen out and what a mess. Look at me, i am just sitting in the middle of everything so mad and frustrated,embittered so that is probably why i can’ t cry.  I get up every morning and i am going to get up tomorrow too, well maybe around noon since it is  late […]
I have a great life: wonderful friends, supportive family, Ivy-league education, but I am tired of all of this.
I can’t concentrate on my school work. When I read something, I the words flutter across the page and land in a jumbled mess that I can’t decipher; when I’m with friends, their conversations fade in and out, and I can’t follow what’s going on half the time. My parents, although they don’t wish for anything but my happiness, are always concerned about how I am, which makes me even more stressed and I never tell them how I am really feeling, because I think that […]
i dont know how to say goodybye. i dont know how to leave this cruel world. i drown in misery everyday of my life. maybe its laziness. i dont know what is wrong with me. i cannot get up in the mornings to attend school. im failing all my classes because i miss soo much. my ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend and it kills me everyday to see them. my mom has been gone for about three years out who knows where with another man. i feel so empty and im not happy. i dont remember what it feels like to even be happy. […]
I’m having a tough time reconciling much of anything: the numbness I feel, the suffering inflicted on me and others, the deep, penetrating emptiness I feel… It’s existentialist really; I simply can’t find an explanation for the absurdity of this mockery of a life, this incessant suffering that undercuts whatever joy I have left, or, rather, had.
I was kicked out of the house by my dad a year ago after I got into it with him over his alcoholism and my apparent laziness and moved in with my mom and stepdad; however, I left home to live on my school’s campus (it’s a boarding/day school) […]