I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
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Loss Of Control
It’s the loss of control
No, it isn’t giving up your motor functions. You can move, you can talk and you can open and close your eyes; but open eyes see a hostile world that tolerates its own crumbling demise, but not yours, and closed eyes see the slanted razor you most certainly think will take the pain away. Move, if you wish, but wherever your legs carry you, your shame and guilt, your self condemnation will follow at your heels, eating away at your resolve and desire. Speak, my friend. Speak, but only what they want, because anything but is a pretension of higher knowledge […]