I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in order to stay awake so I could avoid having to experience a nightmare again. Again, I’m clean. But it’s fucking difficult. I’m not saying I’m going to relapse, because I’ve come way too far to do that when I’m consciously able to stop myself, but I’m not even safe in my sleep. He’s in my dreams a little more than half of the time. He’s there, plaguing my sleep. It’s so vivid, too. The abuse, the pain, the feelings, everything about it. I can feel all of it. I can’t remember the last time I woke up and wasn’t in a cold sweat. I’m clean, but everything that I tried to numb or avoid with the drugs is still there. It’s still fucking there. I want to escape it. But I just can’t. There are days when I find myself sitting down in the shower (on the days that I have the energy to shower at all), muttering “get out of my head” over and over as if that would change anything. He won’t leave. He. Won’t. Leave. Please. I just want to be free from him. We’re not even in contact, I cut him off months ago but he poisoned my brain so that I would never fucking forget. I want to forget.
I want to forget.