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today, and all the other days [a cry for help]

by system

I’m hurting a lot today.  I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting.  Everything has become so mundane.  I’ve been sober since late September, I think.  I’m proud of myself, I guess.  But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult.  I’m having the same issue with sleep.  I have horrifying chronic nightmares.  Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror.  I’m so tired.  I’m so, so tired.  I used to snort Ritalin at night in order to stay awake so I could avoid having to experience a nightmare again.  Again, I’m clean.  But it’s fucking difficult.  I’m not saying I’m going to relapse, because I’ve come way too far to do that when I’m consciously able to stop myself, but I’m not even safe in my sleep.  He’s in my dreams a little more than half of the time.  He’s there, plaguing my sleep.  It’s so vivid, too.  The abuse, the pain, the feelings, everything about it.  I can feel all of it.  I can’t remember the last time I woke up and wasn’t in a cold sweat.  I’m clean, but everything that I tried to numb or avoid with the drugs is still there.  It’s still fucking there.  I want to escape it.  But I just can’t.  There are days when I find myself sitting down in the shower (on the days that I have the energy to shower at all), muttering “get out of my head” over and over as if that would change anything.  He won’t leave.  He. Won’t. Leave.  Please.  I just want to be free from him.  We’re not even in contact, I cut him off months ago but he poisoned my brain so that I would never fucking forget.  I want to forget.

I want to forget.

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3 comments

ghosting 2/4/2021 - 2:42 am

I’m saying something !! hello 🙂 I think you’re a really cool person, I understand all the grief you’re going through, maybe not in the same way, but I get the quiet suffering. everything being mundane yet hopelessly chaotic. maybe one day we can wash all the memories away-

system 2/4/2021 - 2:49 am

thank you for this
it means a lot

heartlessviking 2/4/2021 - 12:10 pm

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it is apathy, thus the opposite of fear is indifference. Congrats on the months sober, it’s a good start. From here, as a figure in your mind, he has the power you give him. By running, you communicate to yourself that he still frightens you, still overshadows your achievements.

I’ve been doing some reading on hallucinogenic treatment, and functionally the same results seem achievable by learning to lucid dream. The first step is always to be able to say to yourself within the dream; “I am dreaming.” Thus, study the content of your nightmares and figure out where the logic breaks down. When you find yourself in those situations as you sleep, try to say to yourself; “I am dreaming”, from there determine the best course.

I was recently plagued by dreams of things I couldn’t emotionally handle about work. So I preprogramed a phrase and action to do any time they came up in my dreams; “Need to go deeper” is my self prompt, followed by retreating into the image of myself slowly descending stairs. That’s peace for me. Hope that helps.

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