When we first met I had no intention of letting you inside, of giving you my heart, of loving you with my soul. Just a little while later, all of that came true. It all came true at the point I was most ready to end my life. It was… a miracle of sorts. The single best and worst thing that ever happened to me. No longer on the edge, I was yours to take, although you never did. But still, the tomorrows kept coming because of you. It’s two years later and nothing’s changed. I wish I had moved on by now, but with […]
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on the edge
to come up to me with a gun and press the cold steel muzzle against my head and blow my brains out.
I can’t do it myself because I’m a coward. I could hold a razor against my wrists but I could never slit them. I could stand on the edge of a railway platform but I could never jump in front of the train. I could put some pills in my mouth but I could never make myself swallow.
I’m too much of a fucking failure to even kill myself.
I thought I hit rock bottom this weekend. I could barely get out of bed, and I didn’t do ANYTHING I had to do, no work, just staying in bed and watching movies I really didn’t care about. I tried to reach out for friends, but literally none of them wanted to go out, and it made me feel worse. Rejected. I was on the edge, thoughts about suicide invading my mind and I couldn’t control my crying.
I woke up today feeling completely different. I’m not that sad anymore, just numb, as if everything I’ve been feeling for the past three days is something really distant. […]
it’s not a good start I know, but I’m on the edge. and I try and try to hold on even when I want to let go.
But, I’m torn. I’m so…torn between letting go and holding on. I’m holding on for the love that burns me whole, for the woman that held me anchored to this earth for almost six years. the more I try and show her my twisted heart the more I push her away into another’s arms. and my heart bleeds. it just makes it all the more harder to keep the promise I made her, to be there for her […]
‘to live is the rarest thing in the world, most of us just exist’ – the fabulous oscar wilde
litterally on the edge right now. cant stand anymore. i need a way out. i dont want to just exist anymore…
Is it possible for someone to never be happy? If so then I guess that’s me. I found out this morning that my debilitating autoimmune disease is non responsive to current treatment and will require much more aggressive treatment. To do so will require time off from work I don’t have and a loss of income. I can’t pay my rent as it is… I am drowning in debt and I ruined my eight year relationship with my anger and hatred… I am not eligible for help and have no where to turn anymore. I can’t be the reason my kids are homeless again. I […]