I was searching for some advices or people’s stories to give me some courage to finally commit suicide. I am a mild aspie, obsessive about games and animes(I stopped with both for a while, after the reality shoved on the truth on my face).
Sorry for the long text and I would appreciate if you could read it all and give your opinion. English isn’t my first language.
Since I remember I have an odd behavior, sensitive feet and skin over certain textures, need to separate food on the plate to eat in a certain order, cleanliness, very strict about the position of my toys and obsession over games. I was very outgoing till I hit 12 years old, I dumped my girlfriend and started to be a reclusive, only playing games(specially mmorpg) and avoiding social interactions. I made it well, I dated some girls between the age of 12-16, then I couldn’t cope with the people in highschool, I felt the need to start to be more outgoing to learn how to cope with people in highschool, I made a few valuable friends by copying their behaviour and doing it as a mirror. I always felt as an outcast, it’s weird, but it’s not like I don’t like people or enjoy loneliness, it hunts me and is a real struggle to make ends meet with people.
I find it to be exhausting to be in social activities for a long extend of time, I need of some time to recover from them.
When I hitted 18 I had to move out and started to hit the gym, because I thought that my last gf broke up with me because of my appearance(but it was probably my behavior).
I broke the chains of my old conducts. My new obsession was now my body. From 130 lbs I got able to hit 190 lbs in 2 years, 12-15% body fat, I got what I wanted, but still was struggling to keep friendships and contacts. Bodybuilding is a lonely sport and it suits well on me since I don’t need to rely on people to get results.
People were often making jokes about my size, the girls liked of it, I got more respected from my male peers, I hated to discover about how shallow people are, how hypocrite and how we are driven by our libido. It was a shock, I didn’t never understand about the social hierarchy in this way and I started to do a research about this subject and how people interact between in each other.
I had a few relationships and I enjoyed, but I remained distant after a few days, because I couldn’t cope very well with the daily routine of having to meet people all the time. I had to move from a city to another and restart from 0 in terms of social contacts. A hellish for me.
I started to play games once again, still doing my diet and trying to take care of my body. I decided to attend to a different course in a new college. I didn’t like of the course and as the time past by I grow a boredom from it and I stopped going to the classes. I was now only staying at home most of the time. Now I was a neet, I hadn’t a reason to keep going to the gym, I finished my spanish classes and started to live in automatic routine. Wake up, computer, eat, sleep.
I didn’t had the urge to do what I should have been doing, it was like my mind was all numb and I couldn’t feel the time flowing. My memory is mostly blank about this period. I don’t have a drive for money, dominance, adrenaline and the urge to perform the social rituals to play the social game. I am mostly very honest about things, even if it hurt the people I am talking to, sometimes I don’t get a sarcast joke/talking. I take things literally.
I can’t keep living like this, I know that I need to enter in the social game to gain social status, blend into a group, gather wealth, attract a partner and be a vitrine. I’ve read about stoicism, nihilism, cynicism, bhuddism, christianism and similar ones. Hobbes, Rousseau, Voltaire, Karl Marx, Spinoza, Lutero, Tomas, Cantillon, Locke and others…
I try to find an asnwers, and Nietzsche, Hobbes & Freud were the mos reasonable onest, I also like of stoicism but it’s just something to trick your brain.
I don’t have much hope to bloom once again and try to cope in the adult world and play the dirty games, adults are way more hypocrite when it comes to social interactions and I am a bit late to start the race. I am 22 years old and I am looking foward to study medicine abroad but I will do it more for the experience.
I often think about suicide because I am tired of this loneliness and I know it’s mostly created by myself. I was born with some pieces missing and faking it is exhausting sometimes. I have a helium tank but still need a mask. I also heard about pentobarbital sodium injection.