In September my mum took her own life, she brought me up as a single teenage mum and made my life as amazing as she possibly could. She went back to school, achieved a business degree and got a great job helping small nurseries improve their business and the standard of child care. She was a beautiful, intelligent, creative, funny, loving and much loved woman…my heroine and inspiration. She also suffered varying degrees of depression throughout her life and tragically last summer had a nervous breakdown – sadly due to the stress of her job and bullying in it. She sought help from her doctor, was prescribed anti-depressants and given counselling, after a few weeks treatment was not helping – due to the disgracefully poor mental health facilities where we live.
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After six weeks and a short stay in hospital she was brought home, she seemed to be getting better, and then on Wednesday 24th September I returned home late from work and found her hanging from her bedroom door. Mercifully she had made it so I couldn’t get into the room but was able to push the door enough to cut the belt from the dressing gown I had bought her for Christmas around her neck, paramedics and police arrived and broke down the door…she was dead.
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In those few minutes my whole life changed forever…I lost my beautiful mum, my best friend. I had to leave our home as I couldn’t stay in the same house she had died; I even had to give our cat that we had for 18 years – since I was two years old to an animal shelter. My Nan and granddad lost their daughter, my aunts and uncles their sister and best friend, my cousins their beloved aunty and her friends their wonderful friend, the world lost a bright star…with so much to live for and so much more to give…she was 37 years old.
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The day after my mum’s funeral, my cousin went home and hung himself in his garage, not note, no indication we had no clue…he was just 21 years old. Why my cousin took his life we will never know…was he deeply depressed and we just never knew? Was he influenced by my mum? I haven’t a clue. My mum was very ill by the time she took her decision, but all the time I think to myself….what if she had just thought differently? What if she thought sod the bullies…sod the job…it doesn’t matter! I understand why my mum took her life; she couldn’t take the pain anymore but what if? If she had better treatment? Different medication? What if she had met the right person, fallen in love? She could have just left her job and started again…achieved her dream of helping in orphanages in Africa.
Please don’t think I don’t understand what it’s like to be depressed, I was bullied throughout school and have been through abusive relationships and suffered anxiety attacks…and that’s before all this happened. But if you just looked at life in a positive view, things always change…they NEVER stay the same, nothing in this world ever does.
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If anyone had reason to commit suicide it was me and trust me I’ve thought about it many times in the last seven months…often I shout out to my mum and threaten to do the same just to be with her again. My life was over and at the time, though I was completely numb and in shock…think of a zombie and that’s how I functioned….
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But I have since met, fell in love and moved in with the most amazing man whose love and support have brought sunshine back into my life. I still have dark days…sometimes the pain is too much to bear. A few hours ago I was shaking in hysterical tears, trying to do a Ouija board to talk to my mum just one more time…now I’m sat here holding her jumper…trying to get the last little part that still smells of her. I’d give anything to see her, hug her and tell her it’s all ok and she didn’t have to do it. Knowing she will never be around when I get married, buy a home, have babies as she so wanted me shatters my heart, and there are times just like a few hours ago when I think about taking my life too….now I’m sat here trying to help you, determined to make my mum proud and live out her dreams for her.
And do you know what I don’t want to die….for a start she would seriously kick my ass once I got up there with her, and because there is so much beauty, love and happiness in this world…you just have to find your own, grab it and don’t let it go. There will be some awful times and there will be some amazing times….I know though they had their dark days my mum and Danny had amazing days too.
What I’m trying to make you all see is that you are not alone…darkness comes and it goes, don’t let it beat you, however hard it gets, it won’t last….try with all your mite to see the positive side….nothing is so terrible that you give your life to it…you are lucky to have it….cherish it…nurture it and it will give back to you.
Take care beautiful people….sunshine follows the rain
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Kay x
3 comments
Unlikely. There’s no change. I’ve always wanted to die since I knew what it meant. I think you’re right in the cases for those who suffer from trauma, but not me. Good luck.
Your mom sounds like a wonderful woman may she rest in peace. Thank you for posting this, it touched me.
I admire your strength and wish you good luck with the rest of your life.
K – Sorry to take so long in responding, but I have really been wanting to talk to you. Hope you are still coping okay. I can relate to your situation on so many levels. As I was reading your story, I thought, “That sounds like me”, in regard to both you AND your mother. I am the same age as your mom and also have a grown daughter who has watched me struggle, and I’m sure worries about me the way you do your mom. My husband commiitted suicide in the same way your mom did. Ever since then, it has been a constant fight every single minute to resist the urge to join him. I hang on only for my kids, but it is because of the profound sense of failure as a mother, in my ability to cope and hold life together, that makes it hard to face reality every day. People can think what they want, but I think I know something that can bring you some comfort. I consider myself Christian but believe that God does allow certain people to have ‘spiritual gifts’. Many people abuse the gift, or are just cruel liars, and never had it to begin with. That being said, 6 months after my husband died, I just COULD NOT take the pain of not knowing where he was, if he WAS at all, what this strange unknown thing called death really is. I saw a lady on a local news program in Oregon who said she didn’t know why, but that she had always been able to relay messages from loved ones in spirit. I was skeptical, but made an appointment to go see her. I prayed on the way, asking God to forgive me if it was evil, but that He knew my pain, and that if it was possible, some kind of message or ‘reassurance’ from my husband would be greatly appreciated. Other than seeing my babies for the first time, it was hands down the most amazing hour of my life. She knew nothing other than my first name, but described in detail my husband, his death, the illness he had battled, our children, things that took place at the memorial service, and even how special it was to him that I kissed his picture with my hand each time I passed it in the hallway. This is true. Most people, are cruel and harsh when I try to tell them about the experience. They say it’s devil worship or that I must have been high! Neither is the case. I know what I know. Period. And I thank God that He allowed it. It has been is the singlemost helpful and comforting thing in terms of death – ever. If you want more info, let me know. God bless.