I wish I could kill myself. I am so afraid of doing it, especially not succeeding. I know what would happen if I don’t succeed and people find out.
I am tired of my life. Am 30 years old. I’ve lived a lie all my life. I think its the first time I even talk about it, but I like men. I have had this secret inside forever and have never done anything about it. I am engaged to be married in 2 months. She is a great woman. My professional life is a disaster. I haven’t been able to find a decent job since I finish my degree and I have amazed an incredible amount of debt. My father is a big problem and we are tired of him. I don’t have any good friends anymore, the ones I used to have are all away now. I don’t know what to write, don’t know what to say I just know am tired, sad, lonely, a failure, desperate, suicidal, bored. I want to cry all the time, if you see me am 6, 2 tall. I am always laughing and having a good time, people would never imagine what is going inside me. I just don’t know what to do. I want to move away. Alone. I can’t. I have no money and I have been trying to find a job in another country for the past year and I haven’t been able to. Am pretty smart, good at what I do, but I don’t make enough money. I wish there was a pill I could take and in a second it would all be over.  I know of the pain I will cause those I leave behind because even with all the stuff I am going through am loved. Truly loved. The problem is am a failure. I don’t know. This secret I carry, my professional problems, my loneliness, my future wedding, trying so hard to succeed, everything is this huge weight on my back.
I have to move out of my apartment in one month. I don’t know what to do next. I also know people will know I have to because of the rent. I can’t pay it anymore. I have all this credit card debt I have to take care of. I will move in with my parents. My mom, what to tell you she is sleeping the whole day, and my father he is the happiest man on earth, and a joke himself, I despise him for all the pain he’s caused my mother, but that’s another story.
Am tired, sorry everyone if I don’t make much sense, I just don’t know where to start. I have taken meds, I have exercised, I have travelled, I have talked to people, nothing, nada. Hope I find light soon if not I think I will go mad.
7 comments
Hello…………your email touched my heart. You did not come right out and say it and if I am WRONG I TRULY apologize with all my heart. It sounds as if you are Gay and feel trapped. Again, if I am WRONG, I am sorry. I do NOT want to offend you in anyway, that is NOT my intentions. However, if you are a gay man who has not come out (obviously) and are having a very difficult time. PLEASE for your inner peace, well being, and for the sake of your soul either go to the closest Gay and Lesbian Center and talk to someone. If you live in a small town, then PLEASE, go on line and search. There are PLENTY of Gay and Lesbian sites. There is NOTHING wrong with being Gay and if you come to terms with it now, your life will be joyful, happy, and extemely peaceful. Please, for YOU, for YOUR peace of mind and happy heart, do this for YOU. I am sure you are a wonderful person and the world WOULD miss you if you were not around. Take good care of YOU and blessings. You are in my heart. Jen 🙂
I agree with Jen.
And to add if you do what you do and try to stay positive the universe will always provide. Finances are never a good reason to suicide. I don’t know why people do that. Finances can change like the tides. If you can’t move right now you’re not meant to. If you truly want to though you will. YOUR CAREER IS NOT WHO YOU ARE. It’s only a fraction of what you do to sustain. It’s just preferable that you enjoy doing it.
Please do not marry that poor woman. You will cause her a whole lot more damage if you marry her than if you just break it off now. I understand what you’re trying to do but if you’re more gay than bisexual it can never work. You’ll only hurt her unless you know that she is enough, like your twin soul. But from what you write I’m highly doubting that. She can be as amazing as she wants to be but if she’s not yours and your not hers you’re wasting her time. Let her find her love. And allow yourself to find yours.
Good luck on your journey man. And stop being so hard on yourself! It’s fucking society. None of us are perfect we all have problems. We’re just trying to push along and carve out our bit of happiness some how. Some are lucky and get theirs from the start. But some, I think more than any of us can ever know get ours pretty late in the game. Sending out cosmic good intentions and a cyber hug from a girl who loves the boys (I understand completely and unequivocally. How can anyone resist? lol. Really though :o?). Peace man.
Hahahaahahah you´re both very sweet and caring hahahahaha I am laughing at the How can anyone resist? oneliner 🙂 What to say. I am not sure what am going to do. I don´t think I´ll ever have the guts or the stupidity to end my life. I know if I do I would leave a big mark on people that don´t deserve it. I think when someone goes on with it he or she damages a lot of people and that´s the worse part of it all. I don´t know. I don´t know what am going to do. I don´t know if I will leave her or carry on with it. I don´t know if am gay, I do know am very much attracted to women but there´s something to men I find interesting, so for sure am bisexual, gay? not sure yet. If I marry her or not, I will have to decide in the next 3 weeks. That´s the time I have given myself to sort this out.
I live in a middle eastern country and things are not as easy socially as in the west. That´s part of the whole problem. Thanks again for ur kind words and interest. God bless you both.
PLEASE dont kill yourself. My mom just killed herself two weeks ago, and i googled suicide prayers and stumbled across this website. Its the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, by doing what she did, she didnt only take away her own pain, but she hurt MANY other people. there is never a second that goes by that i dont miss her. I think what she did was the worst dicision of her life. and it fucked me up for the rest of my life thats for damn sure. So dont think about yourself think about the poeple that love you and how much it will hurt THEM. I can barley go a hour without tearing up and ill never be the same. so PLEASE dont do it.
I’m glad our words helped you digitalcowboy09. And I’m always happy to amuse. :o). You are so great to keep your loved ones in the forefront of your mind like that amidst such mental turmoil. It’s difficult. I know for sure! You live in the Mideast? That does sound like a difficult situation. Maybe find a way to get to Europe? You can do it. I hope you find what you’re like for. You sound like such a sweet heart. And god bless you too. :o)
*looking for.
Hey everyone, thanks a million for showing you care and taking the time to post your thoughts concerning my story. I do worry about the pain I can cause others with my actions. I am always thinking what will this and that person do or how will they react, just the thought of someone crying because of me is too much. I am a smart person, I can know good from bad and all that. I have a good head on my shoulders, but just sometimes its all so dark. I have had this tough life and I don’t want to sound like a brat or anything close. My family used to have a lot of money, I tell you a lot, drivers, private planes included. My father’s always been this man that doesn’t listen to anyone so as fast as he made so much he lost it all. Then it went downhill from there. My older siblings did enjoy the good times, so when I was born it all started to crumble. Ive seen how my mom’s had to sell her jewelry, he has had to beg friends for loans, etc. Civil war hurt him badly, and he has never been able to recover. I remember how the administration would come to my classroom tell me the payments were behind 3 months and I couldn’t come back the next day. Me being 8, having to face such a situation, I couldn’t understand why. I have grown past it all, shit happens, you move on. I just feel tired you know. Its all been mounting little by little. One thing I love is taking vacations, that’s my guilty pleasure, when I could I would travel and just chill, that’s when am the happiest. I bet many people feel this way. Though the last vacation I took I couldn’t really snap out of my misery, I was too down and it showed. My friends don’t know of my suffering, I think no one does, and if anyone thinks about it they don’t ask, I prefer they don’t, I hate sharing what’s going on with me, I just don’t like it. I prefer people telling me their problems than doing the opposite. I am in my room writing. My days are like this: wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch tv, sleep. Once of twice a week I meet a friend or something. I used to have so so so many friends, which I still do but I have cut contact with most of them, I don’t like it when we go out and they are just quacking away and bs’ng about all the stuff they’ve done and what not, I know most of the time its just talk, but sometimes it makes you think, what the F is wrong with my life, so I have becoming this secluded person, socially that is. Anyway, sorry again if I make no sense, but am just pouring thoughts and feelings, and I am truly thankful for keeping up with me. Bisous a tous.