Please Help me I Need to Die. (My Story)

October 21st, 2010 by Caleb87

I am looking for some type of pills that i can overdose on that are sure to kill me. Please can anyone give me some suggestions? it is really my time to go.

As for the my entire story i don’t think i am going to get to tell it all but for the people that want to know i will tell why i need to die..
I was 5 and a half years old when a doctor examined me and said i had phimoses which if anyone does research on this is a normal and some men have it up to 17 or older and i didn’t need to be operated on.
the doctor’s called for a routine circumcision and i was forced to go in against my will, i was put on a hospital bed and moved into surgery where they put me to sleep and i was pretty out of it when i woke up, i didn’t even realise what happened really.
A day after i am sent home and apparantley im still bleeding from the stitchs, when i go to urinate some of the stitchs come loose and it hurt a whole lot and there was a lot of blood, i had to go back in to the emergency room where they stuck a needle in my groin to dull the pain and after that and going back to my home and seeing what was done to me i think my soul died, i still remember that as the worst most horrible experience of my life.
I’m 23 now i have very little feeling in my genitals (they must have cut a nerve or something). even masturbation is more work than it is enjoyable.
There is no fixing me, can you honestly tell me to keep living like this?
I will never have enjoyable sex with a girl or know what it is like to have sex how it was meant to be, i have such little feeling that i will probablly be impotent by 30, and on top of that having that happen to me has given me severe anger and anxiety and i really don’t go around people at all because it’s not worth it because i’m going to kill myself sooner or later anyways, and it just depresses me to even see girls that are attracted to me it makes me so sad.

I refuse to live like a neutered animal, i will take the chance of death so that maybe i could be reborn as a boy or girl that is whole.
Thank you for listening.

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19 Responses to “Please Help me I Need to Die. (My Story)”

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  1. Ok man that. fucking. sucks. I’m so sorry that can’t be anywhere close to easy to deal with.
    Also in regards to pills there aren’t really any good ways to kill yourself without medical-grade stuff that you need prescribed. The pills like Advil and ibuprofen basically shut down your liver and lead you to painfully die over a period of 2 weeks. sleeping pills aren’t guaranteed to work either, although there have been less reported cases of post-attempt complications than some of the other pills.
    If you really do want to kill yourself, and trust me think long and hard about this one, I’d find another way. A gun, asphyxiation, even maybe eating rat poison or some sort of anticoagulant to thin your blood and then cutting yourself would do the trick

  2. Jesus, did the docs not realise they had hit a nerve? Bastards. I can’t imagine the anger you must be feeling.

  3. i dont know you very well but i hope you dont kill yourself. i have done that once but was found just intime.,…and i was thankful for that. i have bad depression i was beaten my whole life and raped…it really kills me to live like this as well im afraid to have sex because im afraid someone will rape me when i tell them to stop. i have had alot of issues in my life you are older than me by a year and i believe you are worth living for. you may not beable to have injoyable sex but the point is you are something special. yourself deserves to live. thank you for reading.

  4. Hello

    well I would smile and friendly give you a tap on your back. I would say 2 things to what you write.

    1) The problem is not in the cock or the balls, that is meaningless. I am not worried about that. What worries me is the disproportionate personal experience you are making out of it. You are absolutely “cock centered” as if all your talent resided there as some kind of “dick digger porno star “, and your human values simply did not exist. That is one thing, you need to expand yourself far beyond your balls.

    2) I dont exactly know what you mean by “not getting any feeling”. One thing is not getting an orgasm and another thing is not getting a hardon. They are 2 quite different things. If your problem is lack of sensitivity to get an orgasm, well, I bet nearly all girls would love to have sex with you, because you would endure them and outlast them. Men usually are cum after 1 minute, and then get an immediate headache, leaving the girls in suspension before they can say “ah” Women do have that problem of not getting excited, and they invented and switched the blame to man inventing that ridiculous thing of “premature ejaculation”. A ridiculous massonic and neofeminist Media expanded the lie until all ignorants believed it. But in your case, women would be more than happy to try you on, and if the word gets spread, you are going to be very happy.

    Well, a third thing is whether your problem is actually in the balls, so to say, or in your mind. Getting a hardon is mainly a psychological thing, and not getting it too. except if you are around 60 or so. Because of the way you are experiencing such things it seems that a pyschological factor cannot be ruled out.

    So dont get things out of proportion, address the medical issue with a doctor if you want, but also give him a copy of your writing, as that will definitively help him in assesing what is what and what is due to what. Believe me, the important thing here is that you grow your selfesteem beyond your groin, you appreciate your intelligence, kindness, dialog, creativity, ability to help, show care, communicate, interact, contribute, learn and teach.

    Regards

  5. Beautiful- thank you for that i really appreciated your response, i wish i could go back in time and help you when you needed it. i am really sorry to hear what happened to you, i had a friend that was raped and she said it felt like something was taken away from her, and i can really relate to you there. It seems like only the good people in this world truly suffer.
    But for me i just really can’t live anymore it is too much for me, i really do feel like a neutered animal i cant live just to be this world’s pet.

    Justalvaro- that’s not very understanding, try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I am a guy, i still think about sex a LOT it is really important to me just like a lot of people women and men, and no feeling means i have about 1/10th the feeling a normal guy has it is work just to masturbate it is so frustrating.

  6. Hello Caleb

    my case is the opposite, the “thing” works fine, the only problem is that I havent seen a woman since 1989 and 10 years before that date, I kissed once in the metro station at Washington DC October the 11 at 20:30 that was the first time. In addition to that, I am thinking about women all the time, like 5 or 7 hours a day. I walk on the street and whistle at them, chat up with them but basically I only get the finger or a “fuck off” as answer. So I havent been very succesful with women. I even wrote a book about techniques on how to flirt and the different profiles of women and men so that you can spot them and approach each depending on their type. A man needs to have at least one these 5 things to get a woman. If you have more than one that is great

    1) A powerful well built physique, nice complexion. It is rootened in womens brain since the prehistoric times. Women feel attracted by men who can protect them in case of a brawl.

    2) Be a succesful man, no matter how. Whether it is about being a porno producer, a scientist or a smart lawyer. Succesful.

    3) Be once of the “stunt men” types, that is Special forces, soldier, somewhat the “uniform guy” risky professions or risky sports.

    4) Have a positive, energetic outgoing character, optimistic and witty. Women like to feel “contagiaed” by that.

    5) Have a consistent personality, well controlled emotions, as if very sure of oneself.

    Well, I have none of these. I look like the typical Lab nerd, skinny, thick glasses, pretty intellectual character, boring, negative, bad controlled emotions, hypersensitive, very sweet character, high principles and values, in one word, the fucking disaster picture for a women or current times. meaning this, I am basically in your same situation because I dont know how many times older than you I am. However, I still dig my nose in the books and in my programming and I still hold my values and care very much for those who suffer, even though that leads me nowhere in terms of finding a woman.

    So, because now you are 17 I think you said, in adolescence times, everything seems to turn around the issue of sex and women, but the growing and cultivating of human values is far more important than that. Aside from that, I am not fully sure that your groin is damaged to a point as you describe. Just consult with a doctor, and dedicate your wishes of doing things to other more valuable aspects of the person, honestly.

    best greetings young man

    Al

  7. @Marine105 You can be charged with assisting to suicide. You are not to push people who are on the brink or on the tight rope.

  8. @beautiful disaster.

    about that rape you mention. Has it been reported ? is the criminal free ? I have the feeling a lot of things remain unsolved in there. As per you, are you getting the help you need ? Is anybody taking care of the issue ?

    best regards

    Al

  9. justalvaro,
    “just”ified motives or causes or conditionals don’t always go along the way of life.

    You are basically a good person and intelligent.
    I’ve learned from your words, and your experiences through travels and your knowledge have given me inspirations.

    And I’ve been wanting to give you helpful comment a long time, but have thought of no way of not hurting your proud feeling, as time has allowed, so here you are.

    Have you ever anyhow wondered why so many people falsely accusing you being a vulture ?
    And many people here are just yearning for a listener to care for them.
    Words such as “listen”, “don’t argue that” they will term it as force-feed.
    Even you are totally right, but not to their timid sense.
    If you think I’m coming too strong, just treat it as a mirror effect, ok ?

    You are hurt as a kid and disgust of sex. And you probably think you are victimized by your mother.
    But you have to first learn what sex is all about, before judging your mother, condemning her all the way.
    Otherwise other women reacting or displaying in your dictionary as overacting in sex will cause you unnecessary hate.
    Sex-related problems devastating the most here, and you’re one of them.

    But for the time being, I can’t write that much, since sex is a big big problem.
    Just a few points here to state for you.
    Sex motivate people to a lot of things as priorities.
    You commented here in this post demonstarted your hate in his minimal sex-problem.
    Your comment to other girl, demonstrated your need of sex very much, but would never admit that.
    You have always been feeling jealous to the old guy you know of who got 17 years old girl to be around with, but not of youself. And you kept mentioning that at least a few times in your posts.

    You said sex is what you can do without, but the fact is not what you are behaving.
    You found motivated and have interest in the young-age girl.
    Well, it’s normal for a man, but abnormal if you try to deny it.

    Getting a hard-on is not mainly psychologically, it can be totally physical, and with no age concern.
    Even an infant is normally capable of a hard-on.

    Of what you have laid out, the 5 conditions of attractive qualities to a woman, well, it’s probably right.
    But of the “stunt man” types, not a necessity indeed. Wee wee on the gas of a motorbike that you sit on, already enough to attract girls’ attention. Only what’s to follow up is conditional, like, if in a black knight armor, or own attractive look, or even being a famous but ugly comedian will do.

    To get a girl, is not how great you can offer, but what that specific girl wants.

    Example, you are very great as the girl defining you, but if it’s your age they dislike, then you are doomed.
    (well, as a state out to all, I’m indeed very very old)
    Even that stating out, young girls may even think of me as an old pervert of pedophile.
    But as long as you know the reason, and how far that you may go, you are at ease.
    It’s just their question of what they want, and not of what you may offer.

    Man if to engage in sex will come in a minute, as you said is normal.
    The fact is only normal for a green kid in sex (thought and physical feel not in co-ordination), but not of your age.
    That’s really called premature ejaculation.

    And practice makes perfect.
    If you don’t have girls to go with, be putting more effort in your practice in masturbation in order to learn to control.
    Of course only if you care to try to satisfy or be compromised.
    Another problem is but you are quite a saint if talking of masturbation.

    Also that women can handle much more than you can imagine, theoretically they can come until they can’t handle with multiple orgasms till exhaustion and death occurs.
    Don’t you know that ? And don’t be surprised too. Many don’t even know that.
    And this is the big problem that man and woman can’t compromise in sex.
    One will accuse one another not being right, or being impotent or being lusty.
    That’s the main material base of conflict man and woman that are made different of and have to work things out in this material world.
    Or else, one or the other will have to finally hate and leave, or stay alone.
    That’s an irresistable lethal God’s weapon or poison or interest for human to learn, sex !
    The only antidote or pacifier is unconditional-love.

  10. @fireflieslite

    1) And I’ve been wanting to give you helpful comment a long time, but have thought of no way of not hurting your proud feeling, as time has allowed, so here you are.

    Answer:

    Helpful comment ? I dont remember to have filed a single post where I complain, ask for help or show despair. Far much on the contrary the matter of the fact is that I have always been a commenter, and when I slice in personal skerpts of my life they are for the very illustrative purposes of others being able to relativize things. Therefore, your help is not needed because there was not a request of anything of the sort.

    2) Have you ever anyhow wondered why so many people falsely accusing you being a vulture ?

    Answer: No, I havent and will never. And if you ask me what animal I prefer, I like the dolphin and the honeybadger.

    3) Motivated in the young age girl ? In what aspect do you mean ? Sexually ? I am much more driven by the young soul, fundamentally because of the absence of evil that grows in grown up individuals and I feel particulary, specially violented when I see that someone hurts, mistreats or abuses them. Therefore, I take that comment of yours as an offense to them too.

    4) Example, you are very great as the girl defining you, but if it’s your age they dislike, then you are doomed.

    Answer:

    no, precisely one of the inspiration of the chapters of the books were based on that observation. I could see men older than me dancing and (actually squeezing) girls on the dance floor, all that because on the one hand they were one of the 5 types I characterized and because the girls were intellectually speaking of a very low level.

    So, age is not an exclusive factor because all it takes is the right recipient on the other side. It is not uncommon to see a 40+ man holding hands with an 18 yo girl (or younger) Of course, both of them are “wreaked”, The man wants to recover the lost youth (A la recherche du temps perdu [Marcel Proust] and the girl either is trying to find the father she never had, or has a self misinterpreted understanding of what being “grown up” means and believes she actually distanciates herself from the boys and girls of her age. In whatever the case they are both a bit “wreaked”

    So, because there are all kinds of “wreacked” characters out there, it just takes that they meet, and you will find all kinds of “weird” combinations.

    5) As per women not being able to get an orgasm in time, well that is the curse on your gender, and sorry there is nothing we can do or actually willing to do about it. That the neofemists and the Illuminati and the Media are building up the story of premature ejaculation to shift the blame on to the man, causes me a pain in the neck, starting from the left side, up and then to the right.

    6) That you hate men who dont like old women, well, again, nothing we can do or are willing to do about it.

    7) That you insult, causes me satisfaction because you disqualify yourself quite effectively and it pretty much confirms that facts always hurt more than insults.

  11. justalvaro,
    don’t you ever see the mirror effect ??
    When you engage in some sort of help you term it sacred, if rebounced, and could be treated as an insult.
    Well, bad feelings you are with.

    Comment that you don’t want from me, then do you think others want that from you ?
    A could-be love 10,000 miles away one wants to escape from husband’s abuse, but kids and husband still in the way.
    And you have to be in her shoes to try help solving her problem, not just what you preferred to say. It’s selfish, imprudent and rude, just to jump in and tell her to choose the kids only, and by your own big man’s concept.

    Another comment that you question other about the “it” that she said.
    Didn’t you ever pay respect to read people’s story, and then try your best to understand first, and not acting like a kid jumpimg into question, and bringing others more trouble.
    It’s not relevant to your age and your claims of have written books.

    And your response to me, treating me as if a useless old woman, while you are “much driven by the young souls”, and saying that orgasm for a woman is just “curse on your gender, and sorry there is nothing we can do”.
    Wow, what a big man. And you represent all the men too.

    There won’t be other response from me to you, so you can rest assured.
    And now I’m even sure of why you’re not suicidal.

  12. justalvaro, you come off as pretty self centered and arrogant i’m not sure if you are meaning to do this or if you arent.. it’s my basic instinct to tell someone to “fuckoff” at this point but i will give you the benefit of the doubt and maybe some helpful tips for commenting on other people’s post.

    1. Don’t doubt what they say, what is my motivation for lying? you don’t even know me.

    2. Read what you are about to comment on carefully or reread, I am 23 and your thinking about my reaction to this because of my age is false.

    3. If your commenting on their post try not to turn the conversation around to yourself it aggrivates the person who posted and instead of getting sympathy it is the opposite effect especially when your doubting what they are saying in the first place.

    4. assume the person has done the obvious, like seeing a doctor, unfortunatlley if you have problems with you dick and are already circumcised they are all out of answers.

    and last not even a number but you are assuming that is all that women want when the only thing i have on your list is a dark complexion from being mexican and a lot of girls are attracted to me, they like many other things than that list..

    But what is the point what someone feels about you when you don’t feel that way about yourself?
    So would you just care what everyone else thinks and be a porn0 star with a big package and no feeling in your dick? not after awhile.

    Maybe why women are off put by you is because you come off so arrogantly, the truth is humans know very little, you have to be willing to admit that to actually gain some wisdom. I hope you takes these words under advice.

    Peace.

  13. Caleb87,
    As to your case, I don’t have much information of how you really are, I could only tell of what I know so far.
    Since there are quite a few of religious aged 12 to 14 young girls here, so..
    Please see this thread to see if it offers any help. (add the 3w at front)
    healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=819169

  14. You are a bit hard to understand for me FireFlies, that’s not a bad thing just something i need to get used to, sorry to anyone i offended i’m just telling the truth how it is, i have read alot of different sites about circumcision my top site is probablly NormUK. Circumcision is never needed the fact is that doctors in the US are pretty ignorant when it comes to the full male anatomy and how to treat or help when they have a problem.
    Your post was interesting on the problems and treatments but i’m not sure it really applies to me as much, i thank you for letting me check out the link.

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  18. Sorry I don’t know what country you’re in. If you are in the UK and this was an NHS operation, you could sue. If the op was in the last 3 years, you could even get a no win, no fee solicitor company to take it on. You may have to demand a copy of your notes from the hospital to be able to do this but you are entitled to see them and be sent a copy of any docmentation. I noticed your post was made in 2010 so there is not much time to do this so go see a legal advisor quickly. If 3 years has past, you can still do it but you will have to go via a private solicitor, if you are unemployed or on low income, you can get legal aid to cover this. It sounds to me that the hospital is very much at fault so you’ll have no problem winning a case and could benefit from a lot of compensation – not that there’s any compensation appropriate for the kind of dreadful treatment you’ve been subjected to. My heart goes out to you. Don’t underestimate how much suing could help, it would help bring you a sense of justice and bring to light the skilllessnesss of this/these doctor/s. I’m a female btw, and I think what’s happened to you is dreadful. If you are American or some other nationality I’m sorry, I don’t know the law where you live, but do try and investigate your legal options for taking this hospital to court. Admittedly this won’t make you feel physically better but it’ll make you a whole lot more psychologically comfortable – it would make you stronger and feel as if at least some sort of recompense had been made and psychologically it might make you feel stronger and help you to accept your condition and that it was through no fault of your own that this happened. Please do investigate your options with a legal advisor and as soon as possible.

  19. Dear Caleb

    I just completed reading your story and your plea for tips on suicide and I deeply hope this isn’t too late. I know life is hard, believe me I know life is frustratingly hard. Your story breaks my heart and I genuinely wish you bring them who neglected to take better care of your surgery to justice. We trust medical officials with our lives and for those very people to have caused you this much suffering angers me (FUCKING ANGERS ME!). I’ve realised one thing over the course of my life, we are all influenced differently by difficult circumstances.

    I’m not sure if this makes a huge difference for you but I’m gay, so I understand the female populace a slight amount better then the normal man. Honestly, sex isn’t the best part about having a relationship. I know it feels that way but I promise you that is absolutely not the case. It’s the person your with that makes it great. You’ll come to realise this when you’ve met the one. You sound like a fantastic guy and I’m sure some lucky gal will surely notice it too. Maybe your lacking in that part of life. Yes, it may last for the rest of your life and yes it’s dreadful. I know your hurting but Caleb there’s so much more to love than sex. I promise you dearest, on my everything that I speak the truth. And honestly, sex is sex. It’s so overrated. Sex in reality is signified by the warmth of being with another person. Cuddling with them and not feeling alone in this fearsome world. Looking into his/her eyes and losing yourself because you’re that infatuated with them. If you give up now, then a very lucky women out there will lose her one greatest wish in life, you or her true love. Hang in there, I beg of you. Don’t give up on you. Screw people and screw life itself but don’t ever forsake who YOU are. Please oh please just live. Live because you can and because you should test my theory out. She’ll come. I promise you, she will one day appear in your life and you’ll be caught off guard like “where the fuck did she come from”. Please forgive my selfishness here but you have it a lot easier then I do. You were granted with heterosexuality and it means you have a 80% higher chance of finding the one before I do. Take advantage of your advantage.

    You must have a dream or two or a million?
    Live them out. Usually we find eternal bliss from doing what we love. Pun intended. Doing what we love. It’s not how we do it that matters but whether we love it or not and if you do love it then everything else can be worked with.

    Please Caleb, I have a strong feeling that you are a great guy. I just know there’s more to your life then your physical limitations. Figure something out. Talk to people with similar issues. There are medical sites and chat groups all over the place. You aren’t alone. I’m hurting too, I feel as though everyone I come to love will never love me as much. Maybe not even love me at all. It’s hard but I’m trying to manage.

    Please don’t be too late. I really want you to survive this. Something like a vibe pushed me to make an account and reply to your post. Call it fate or empathy or sympathy or a helping hand from a friend. I don’t mind.

    Live and prosper.
    May the force be with you. The force governed by your willpower. Your strength alone is the only power that can save you from anything.
    If you’re going to become impotent soon then go to a sperm bank and reserve your semen so that when the time comes you are prepared. You’ll find this beautiful girl and when you do nothing will ever matter again except her and your family.

    I’m with you in essence chap.

    Zach

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