People around me have made me become depressed and I feel like I live a pointless existance in amongst people in a society who couldnt give a fuck about anyone else…as long as theyre ok. Well I say “Fuck you all”.February 15th, 2011 by Ash-Lee
I dont think i have enough space to write about all the wrongs and injustices in my life but what I will put are the main problems down. Im a 28 year old guy and since i got kicked out by my parents in my teens because my mum didnt want me finding and keeping in touch with my real dad and me having constant arguements/fights with my stepdad ive struggled to keep myself above the breadline living by myself. My mum and real dad split up when I was 3 and she met a new guy who she married and they braught me up, strictly. I was too young to realise what was going on and i always thought him as my real dad until i started remembering things when I was 12/13. I remembered a guy in the background from when I was younger called Billy and I remembered him on one occasion in my memorys carrying me up the garden path of my aunties house because I’d fell asleep and i remember waking up as I neared the door to her house. My aunty took me out of his arms and layed me on the couch in her living room. I also remembered my surname being different when I was younger and it being sown into my clothes in the first year I went to school and then suddenly changing to another surname that later became my inherited name from my stepdad. But I wasnt a switched on child. My mum protected me from everything which made me vulnerable and ablivious to everything around me. Even the kids at school took advantage of this and I was an easy target for bullies. School wasnt a happy time for me either. Gradually, I started becoming a little switched on and although I hadnt gained a huge amount of common sense, I did start to realise that things werent as simple and straightforward as my piers had lead me to belive and I started to question things including my memorys of a man who I remembered from my youth. Each time I asked my mum about it though, she’d refuse to talk to me about it and my step dad just told me to speak to my mum. It was a classic case of “passing the book”. When they (my mum and step dad) eventually came clean about the situation (of my step dad not being my real dad) after I had tried approaching my uncle about it, I became a bit of a stubborn teenager. I’ll be honest and say that I’d lost respect for my parents as they’d lied to me for all those years. The once “oh so squeeky clean” parents that I’d been braught up to fear and respect became my number one enemies…especially my step dad. I constantly came to blows with him. Meanwhile, around about the same time I’d auditioned for a boyband that my mate from school was in because I was interested in singing and making music. They had a manager who was the mother of my mates mate who was also in this popgroup. Anyway, I joined and I had to sign a contract. My parents pressured me not to sign it, but because of the constant arguements of how strict they were being with me, at 17, I moved in with the manager 6 months after I joined to get away from them and in the end I signed the contract anyway as a way of saying “up yours!”. After 2 years of being in the band, it went tits up. The manager told me to leave the band and her house and I was charged approximately £1000 to leave the contract. It was a kick in the teeth because I had left 2 jobs and put my life on hold to be in that band – even fell out with my parents. The hard work I’d put into that band and being discarded like that has effected my attitude and motivation towards any work Ive done ever since. Anyway, I had to beg my mum n step dad to let me live with them again after that and after a week of begging, I was living back there but shortly after it was to be cut short. A few months down the line, arguements and fights with my step dad were happening again and this time, he kicked me out. I had nowhere to go so i had no choice but to ask my real dad if i could move in with him. I’d only just found him and I’d only known him for a year. He said yes but after a couple of months of staying with him, and awkwardness beginning to grow, he told me to leave aswell! He’d been living by himself for 17 years and liked having his home to himself. I had nowhere to go again. (What a dad he turned out to be). My aunty, his sister found me a flat. I didnt have a job so i had to apply for benefits, they didnt cover the total of the bills. Living was hard. It was a damp decrepid flat aswell in an area full of smackheads, teenage mums and gangs. It wasnt nice.
Since then I had loads of jobs that constantly didnt work out and I really struggled to manage but I’d got myself a lovely girlfriend. I was with her for 2 years through thick and thin. She made me happy and I ended up moving in a place with her but we split up shortly after because of money problems + a supposidly good friend of mine told her I cheated on her. Backstabbing bastard! It all went sour + I moved out. I ended up thinking “fuck this”, so after looking on the internet for an entertainments agent and signing up to a summer season contract, I packed my suitcase and moved away, which i did every year for the next 5 years. Travelling up and down the country doing entertainment in pubs, clubs and holiday parks. I enjoyed it at first. The freedom was great and seeing new places was exiting. But soon, after being worn down by the constant traveling, living out of a suitcase, chasing work, living in caravans like a pikey, meeting and leaving people due to the nature of the job, being constantley alone and dealing with the constant pressures of being on stage, and competing with other entertainers, it all became too much and i gave it up 2 years ago. I wanted a normal life and a stable, well paid job. I decided that learning new skills was the answer. I decided to do I.T. and after a tempting sales pitch from the sales team and out of desperation to improve my job marketability I signed up for 4 home learning courses (CompTIA A+ – 2 exams, MCDST – 2 exams, MCSA – 3 exams and MCSE – 3 exams) with Computeach that cost me 5 and a half grand and they all had to be completed in 3 years. Well its over 2 years on and after studying on and off constantly, having a grueling time trying to get through and complete Computeaches minotinous study materials and online tests which incidentally gave me the wrong impressions about the exam questions and the exam time to question ratio was misleading. There are 2 exams to complete for the A+ and after I finally took my 1st exam of the 2 and I failed twice. You get 2 attempts with computeach and then you have to pay for the next one, but I was skint. I feel Computeach conned me because the materials are not great and the study support is not amazing. I even moved to the midlands to get away from my home town Birkenhead, to improve my prospects in life and to be nearer to Computeach’s test centre. Since then Ive lost my confidence about Computeaches home learning course and so I enrolled on a free Cisco course at a fairly local college and I am trying to complete their material in time for when that course ends in the summer of this year. To enroll for that course though, I had to pass my A+…luckily after telling the college my story of Computeaches scam, they twisted a few arms of the management and I managed to take the test for free. and I passed it in the end. Unfortunately though, even from the length it took me to pass those exams, the actual qualification is pretty worthless in todays job market and I still cannot find a decent job so it makes me feel like Ive made a pointless effort. Its just another typical consequence of my life: I put on 100% and I get nothing back for my efforts and Ive still payed 5 and a half grand and I have 9 more exams to do in 7 months before my student membership with them runs out. Its impossible to do it!
I feel that since I got kicked out of my family home, Ive been screwed over so many times and I havent even mentioned how many more times society has robbed from me even though I’m really struggling. phones, wallets, bycicles, bags, lending people money out of the goodness of my heart and not getting it back…you name it. Its been nicked from me when my back has been turned and Ive struggled to afford to replace it. Also, I havent had a girlfriend for over 6 years so I feel really alone yet somehow I see the utter bastards landing themselves great jobs and nice girlfriends. What kind of justice does this world offer? I dont have the right nature to be a bastard but I really wish I was one because maybe I’d be doing better in life than I am now. My real dad, although he’s had me round for tea on a few sundays before i moved away, hes kept me at arms length and hasnt given me anything worth remembering since I met him again from the 17 years of father love i’m owed. Hes successful, self employed and has paid his mortgage off and I’m here, a lost cause. If I had the option to just curl up, dissapear and be reborn as someone else I would. Im a good man but im sick of my life-long struggle with no help. I feel my constant experiences have warped my mind and I dont actually think I can handle the pressures of working anymore. I think I might have a slight mental problem because of the pinball effect life has put me through. I have a slight hatred for society and I feel very bitter and twisted and I constantly blame my parents for every bad thing that happens to me because of the shit start in life that they gave me. I also blame the modern society of today too because all’s I see is selfish, cold, greedy and dishonest people who are all out for themselves and someone like me who continues to have to live on the bottom of the pecking order has to put up with their shit. Ive become a misanthropist. I just fucking hate people now and I dont blame myself for being this way at all. Fuck everyone. Everyone can die of aids for all i care.