People around me have made me become depressed and I feel like I live a pointless existance in amongst people in a society who couldnt give a fuck about anyone else…as long as theyre ok. Well I say “Fuck you all”.

February 15th, 2011 by Ash-Lee

I dont think i have enough space to write about all the wrongs and injustices in my life but what I will put are the main problems down. Im a 28 year old guy and since i got kicked out by my parents in my teens because my mum didnt want me finding and keeping in touch with my real dad and me having constant arguements/fights with my stepdad ive struggled to keep myself above the breadline living by myself. My mum and real dad split up when I was 3 and she met a new guy who she married and they braught me up, strictly. I was too young to realise what was going on and i always thought him as my real dad until i started remembering things when I was 12/13. I remembered a guy in the background from when I was younger called Billy and I remembered him on one occasion in my memorys carrying me up the garden path of my aunties house because I’d fell asleep and i remember waking up as I neared the door to her house. My aunty took me out of his arms and layed me on the couch in her living room. I also remembered my surname being different when I was younger and it being sown into my clothes in the first year I went to school and then suddenly changing to another surname that later became my inherited name from my stepdad. But I wasnt a switched on child. My mum protected me from everything which made me vulnerable and ablivious to everything around me. Even the kids at school took advantage of this and I was an easy target for bullies. School wasnt a happy time for me either. Gradually, I started becoming a little switched on and although I hadnt gained a huge amount of common sense, I did start to realise that things werent as simple and straightforward as my piers had lead me to belive and I started to question things including my memorys of a man who I remembered from my youth. Each time I asked my mum about it though, she’d refuse to talk to me about it and my step dad just told me to speak to my mum. It was a classic case of “passing the book”. When they (my mum and step dad) eventually came clean about the situation (of my step dad not being my real dad) after I had tried approaching my uncle about it, I became a bit of a stubborn teenager. I’ll be honest and say that I’d lost respect for my parents as they’d lied to me for all those years. The once “oh so squeeky clean” parents that I’d been braught up to fear and respect became my number one enemies…especially my step dad. I constantly came to blows with him. Meanwhile, around about the same time I’d auditioned for a boyband that my mate from school was in because I was interested in singing and making music. They had a manager who was the mother of my mates mate who was also in this popgroup. Anyway, I joined and I had to sign a contract. My parents pressured me not to sign it, but because of the constant arguements of how strict they were being with me, at 17, I moved in with the manager 6 months after I joined to get away from them and in the end I signed the contract anyway as a way of saying “up yours!”. After 2 years of being in the band, it went tits up. The manager told me to leave the band and her house and I was charged approximately £1000 to leave the contract. It was a kick in the teeth because I had left 2 jobs and put my life on hold to be in that band – even fell out with my parents. The hard work I’d put into that band and being discarded like that has effected my attitude and motivation towards any work Ive done ever since. Anyway, I had to beg my mum n step dad to let me live with them again after that and after a week of begging, I was living back there but shortly after it was to be cut short. A few months down the line, arguements and fights with my step dad were happening again and this time, he kicked me out. I had nowhere to go so i had no choice but to ask my real dad if i could move in with him. I’d only just found him and I’d only known him for a year. He said yes but after a couple of months of staying with him, and awkwardness beginning to grow, he told me to leave aswell! He’d been living by himself for 17 years and liked having his home to himself. I had nowhere to go again. (What a dad he turned out to be). My aunty, his sister found me a flat. I didnt have a job so i had to apply for benefits, they didnt cover the total of the bills. Living was hard. It was a damp decrepid flat aswell in an area full of smackheads, teenage mums and gangs. It wasnt nice.

Since then I had loads of jobs that constantly didnt work out and I really struggled to manage but I’d got myself a lovely girlfriend. I was with her for 2 years through thick and thin. She made me happy and I ended up moving in a place with her but we split up shortly after because of money problems + a supposidly good friend of mine told her I cheated on her. Backstabbing bastard! It all went sour + I moved out. I ended up thinking “fuck this”, so after looking on the internet for an entertainments agent and signing up to a summer season contract, I packed my suitcase and moved away, which i did every year for the next 5 years. Travelling up and down the country doing entertainment in pubs, clubs and holiday parks. I enjoyed it at first. The freedom was great and seeing new places was exiting. But soon, after being worn down by the constant traveling, living out of a suitcase, chasing work, living in caravans like a pikey, meeting and leaving people due to the nature of the job, being constantley alone and dealing with the constant pressures of being on stage, and competing with other entertainers, it all became too much and i gave it up 2 years ago. I wanted a normal life and a stable, well paid job. I decided that learning new skills was the answer. I decided to do I.T. and after a tempting sales pitch from the sales team and out of desperation to improve my job marketability I signed up for 4 home learning courses (CompTIA A+ – 2 exams, MCDST – 2 exams, MCSA – 3 exams and MCSE – 3 exams) with Computeach that cost me 5 and a half grand and they all had to be completed in 3 years. Well its over 2 years on and after studying on and off constantly, having a grueling time trying to get through and complete Computeaches minotinous study materials and online tests which incidentally gave me the wrong impressions about the exam questions and the exam time to question ratio was misleading. There are 2 exams to complete for the A+ and after I finally took my 1st exam of the 2 and I failed twice. You get 2 attempts with computeach and then you have to pay for the next one, but I was skint. I feel Computeach conned me because the materials are not great and the study support is not amazing. I even moved to the midlands to get away from my home town Birkenhead, to improve my prospects in life and to be nearer to Computeach’s test centre. Since then Ive lost my confidence about Computeaches home learning course and so I enrolled on a free Cisco course at a fairly local college and I am trying to complete their material in time for when that course ends in the summer of this year. To enroll for that course though, I had to pass my A+…luckily after telling the college my story of Computeaches scam, they twisted a few arms of the management and I managed to take the test for free. and I passed it in the end. Unfortunately though, even from the length it took me to pass those exams, the actual qualification is pretty worthless in todays job market and I still cannot find a decent job so it makes me feel like Ive made a pointless effort. Its just another typical consequence of my life: I put on 100% and I get nothing back for my efforts and Ive still payed 5 and a half grand and I have 9  more exams to do in 7 months before my student membership with them runs out. Its impossible to do it!

I feel that since I got kicked out of my family home, Ive been screwed over so many times and I havent even mentioned how many more times society has robbed from me even though I’m really struggling. phones, wallets, bycicles, bags, lending people money out of the goodness of my heart and not getting it back…you name it. Its been nicked from me when my back has been turned and Ive struggled to afford to replace it. Also, I havent had a girlfriend for over 6 years so I feel really alone yet somehow I see the utter bastards landing themselves great jobs and nice girlfriends. What kind of justice does this world offer? I dont have the right nature to be a bastard but I really wish I was one because maybe I’d be doing better in life than I am now. My real dad, although he’s had me round for tea on a few sundays before i moved away, hes kept me at arms length and hasnt given me anything worth remembering since I met him again from the 17 years of father love i’m owed. Hes successful, self employed and has paid his mortgage off and I’m here, a lost cause. If I had the option to just curl up, dissapear and be reborn as someone else I would. Im a good man but im sick of my life-long struggle with no help. I feel my constant experiences have warped my mind and I dont actually think I can handle the pressures of working anymore. I think I might have a slight mental problem because of the pinball effect life has put me through. I have a slight hatred for society and I feel very bitter and twisted and I constantly blame my parents for every bad thing that happens to me because of the shit start in life that they gave me. I also blame the modern society of today too because all’s I see is selfish, cold, greedy and dishonest people who are all out for themselves and someone like me who continues to have to live on the bottom of the pecking order has to put up with their shit. Ive become a misanthropist. I just fucking hate people now and I dont blame myself for being this way at all. Fuck everyone. Everyone can die of aids for all i care.

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6 Responses to “People around me have made me become depressed and I feel like I live a pointless existance in amongst people in a society who couldnt give a fuck about anyone else…as long as theyre ok. Well I say “Fuck you all”.”

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  1. For what its worth dude I can sympathize on how you feel. I know personally that step parents are no good at all. They still try to be your parent when they really have no place to be. Instead of being a friend and doing stuff with you they care little for you. No matter what you do for him it will never be good enough because it all comes down to one thing. You are NOT his child. Don’t care how hard they try to be they should just realize that its not going to happen and you should tell your step dad that. Here this stranger walks in and starts tell you what to do its like who the fuck are you? PISS OFF. Your father and your self will share a bond that no step parent will ever come close too.

    There is one thing you should not do is blame your parents. When you are out out on your own that is when your life begins. In todays world even in America its REALLY hard to make something when you are given nothing. Americans who are given nothing join the military like I did. Well I am out now and I had friends come and go and I have been thrown away when my use is all used up. Its no good at and to be thrown away as an object that served a purpose. My friends did that to me when I stopped paying there rent while they lived for free. I went broke and they threw me out never to see them again. So here I am at 29 wondering wtf am I going to do with my life. I live in a trailer where I am too poor to live by my self and not poor enough for the government to offer some help. No friends no little family to talk to. I am starting to wonder myself is this really worth it.

    There is a part of my brain that forced me to do the right thing no matter what I do. Its why I went into the military its why I go to school its why I help the people who have no help. Its also why I haven’t ended it yet. It is the part of my brain that tells me to keep going because one day you will make a difference.

    That idea is what keeps me going maybe I will make a difference maybe in one life or many lives. This is how you should think.

    I know a lot about life. You have to play the game. Its the game that keeps us alive and on edge all the time. There is three rules to this game. One is to pay the man. Two is to serve the man. Three is to hurry up and die because you are worth more to the man dead. Its defiantly not fair game and there is a lot of fine print to it. Each person is given a players guide with the hidden fine print.

    Now I know this probably doesn’t help or make you feel better but I will tell you that life sucks for many people out there. And NO ONE is trying to change they way things are because of the three rules. The man says the rules are FINAL! You just have to make the best of what you got and hope that death comes soon. But try not to make it by your hands. Thats breaking the rules.

    –Zeke

  2. Hey zeke.

    As a fellow human who reads your reply to my story, I mutually feel for your situation aswell. Military men should be highly respected in my opinion and you shouldnt be on your own or living in any difficulty but Ive heard so many storys of what happens to people when they get out of the military, mostly here in the UK but Its probably the same in the US by the sound of it. A lot of them even end up homeless and that is a disgrace. And isnt it sad to get to our prime in life and to feel “what is the point in living because I’m just a puppet” for the rich and powerful of the authoritys that implement the rules that are made for us to lose against, the situation of work that is designed to make us struggle to meet capitalist randsoms…if I had an easy way to just dissapear into dust mate, I swear I’d have gone ages ago. Anyhow, I wish you all the best whatever path you decide to take you life in life man.

  3. After reading ur story, I have to say that I really totally sympathize with you so much, and even though I am still admittedly quite fortunate to not experience what u’ve experienced, yet, at 28 now (similar age with both of u, Ash & Zeke), I can already *foresee* far ahead with my keen ‘deep observation’ of how screwed & fucked up humanity is turning into.

    It seems like in everything, there is no hope anymore especially for good souls in this planet.
    That dying and essentially leaving this unfortunately wrecked humanity seems to be such Good option..

    So if there is ONE very important point I want to share, I will only say this for now: go google “Zeitgeist Moving Forward + Youtube”, you can watch it for free in Youtube, for approx. 3 hours of documentary that will show u what the fuck is actually REALLY going WRONG with today’s humanity/world……..ur eyes & mind will be opened, that I guarantee 100% for sure, mates.

    And all of sudden,.if you’re like me, you’ll suddenly feel that there IS still Hope left!..it may be or may not be in our time,.but there will be Hope.
    So go, just watch it..

    and I am basically thankful to see & notice that there ARE still really Good souls/people living in this rotten world,..but things really seriously need to CHANGE, Big time, for humanity to live full of hopes again. And this is the time, and we can be the Change itself (like Gandhi said).

  4. Thanks nikki, I’ll check it out. Ive seen the first 2 Zeitgeists but I dont think Ive seen this one…I think zeitgeist was the first evidence of my real quest for the truth and Ive seen and realised so much since that first viewing experience. Its amazing how corrupt people get the higher up the chain of command they are. My mum and dad were the first real important experience for me. I thought they were immune from doing wrong just like I thought the authoriies were when I had to live life by myself. I guess my resistance to accept and my constant questioning of why things are the way they are has helped motivate my quest for answers but as the answers have been revieled to me, its increased my anger and torment about my realisation of how the situation of life in this world has been set up for the big guns to come out on top of everything and for the bottom dwellers to have to scrape by under constant survailence of their masters corporate radars. No one in any possition does anyone else any favours unless theres something in it for them and thats the sad reality of life in this world. If you have nothing to offer, youre pretty much screwed unless youre one of these rare and lucky people who get into a situation where they have the opportunity to improve their lives.

  5. i no how you feel. i never knew my real dad. my mum had new men coming in and out of her life. but didn’t realize that she was putting me and my little sister through hell. im 17 and live in the uk. me and my current step dad dont get on at all. we are always arguing. i tried to kill myself about a month ago because of him. i dont live at home anymore because if this. i have my own place and i cant stand being on my own. it gets so boring and lonely. about 2 weeks ago i was told by my mum that my real dad’s names steve and he died 18 months ago. so i will never meet him. but if i kill myself like i plan to then im sure that i will finally meet him. and i hope that he will be waiting for me. message me please charsd12@hotmail.co.uk

  6. Charsd17, you sound like youve had it a little harder than me and I feel pretty screwed up tbh so I cant imagine how you must have to cope with that shit. At least I can say say that my mum only had one guy I had to get used to and even though we didnt get on, he didnt drive me to the point of attempting suicide. I would never let him get the better of me like that. The only harm I wanted to do was to him because of the hard time he gave me.

    And let me say that I met my real dad when I was 19 and I wasnt prepared for the lack of interest he had in me so dont jump to the conclusion that all would be great if you did get to meet him. I expected my real dad to take over from my step dad and to replace what love my step dad gave me despite his harsh approach with me but he didnt. As far as he was concerned I’d been braught up and his responsibility had finished (the same as my mum thought about the situation when my dad kicked me out and I had to live by myself away from the family home). You may not have had all your emotional problems solved when you met him because he missed a huge proportion of your life that you grew up needng support from him and would have used to bond. When I’d hit 19 and I was pretty much a man, it wasnt the same as it would have been if he’d have been there to look after me in my childhood. I dont have any respect for him, and why should I? He didnt come after me when my mum moved on with her new man and moved away so I just see and speak to him now as a matter of interest, to realise a little more about myself and where I came from. I wouldnt be bothered if I never spoke to him again really. But I feel like that with all my family now. Theyve all betrayed me in some shape or form. The impression I get was that I was a mistake and I was the consequence of a relationship that was good for a while and then went bad after I was born. I feel that maybe it would have been better if I’d have dissapeared along with all other eveidence of that relationship so my mum could move on. And if I could just dissapear and be reborn as someone else, i would have gone years ago. I dont have it in me to to take my own life.

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