I’m an 18 year old male,
My parents disowned me, and unregistered me from the home. I’m basically homeless now. And I’ll likely will do as my parents asked.
I’m not their son anymore probably because of these reasons.
– My School, who suspended me on the regards of having hospitalized care for my migralepsy.
– My health, because I’ve been suffering from chronic migraine, cluster migraine and migralepsy for the past 10 years, school started to deteriorate at some point and when I flunked due to deteriorating health issues I couldn’t get a job obviously.
– My spirituality, my parents are christian and I’m baptized but I have my own more unifying belief system that applies to all kinds of people, whether they killed 6 million people because of hate or molest children, everyone is forgiven because no one can be punished for just being human.
– My sexuality, technically Omnisexual. I’m attracted to serpents, snakes and dragons, and the fetish sexual ritual of constriction based on my vorarephilia.
– My draconity, I consider myself to be a dragon in spirit, heart, mind and soul. Putting it bluntly. A dragon is not just a species but a 7th dimensional concept of all existence, that even transcends the concept of afterlife.
According to them, my health condition is caused by a demon (in this case a dragon) inside of me and I must be cleansed…
I’ve been looking for help the past 2 years, but every time I tried my parents always found a way to scapegoat me, telling even the GP that I tend to fake illnesses because I am a lying demon. Or trying to put crazy person flag on top of me, because of what I believe.
Now not even the government or anyone else wishes to help me and I’m at the edge of suicide,
Despite having combated migraine for 10 years (Any kind of therapy or medicine proved to be useless as the results were at their best negligible). Until 2 years ago the attacks became very frequent. So frequent and heavy that I flunked school.
Having suffered from chronic migraine, bronchitis, 3 severe pneumonia, I had a epileptic attack that was associated with migraine, and cluster attacks popped up, sometimes in high frequency (every day for over a week sometimes). I failed my classes and I couldn’t even face the day anymore. I was just filled with agony, because the pain is so horrific, I thought I would die. I’ve been suffering from those pains day in an out for over a year. And all mainstream medicine and therapy’s never worked, or the results were at their best negligible. Let alone I don’t need all that chemical unhealthy triptan medicin.
Until I started looking into nature, and I became spiritual, and a community recommended me trying several homeopathic herbal solutions until we discovered that in my case migraine pain and cluster ‘schedules’ ( I have varying attacks, but always do interval at least 16 hours between each attack.) could be disrupted with the natural non selective 5HT Receptor agonist psilocybin, I’ve also heard that in Switzerland there are some centers that do treat allot of things with psilocybin. Before you all go fucking crazy about psilocybin go watch this 7 minute fragment of drugs inc. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qFuL7pcShDk
I found that psilocybin was the most effective of disrupting cluster migraine cycles and frequent use gets rid of it altogether. Including my dreaded migralepsy.
And that marijuana took away the chronic pain, and makes me creative and happy. Downside is that after the normal medication were proven wrong and I started buying those. My family situation obviously got worse and now I’m guilty of being a drug user. My parents unregistered me and I’m not insured anymore. No healthcare and soon no roof.
Abusive strict Christians, they are that think my migraine is the cause of my draconity.
Pain and Illness accompanied with negligence, abandonment, depression, self guilt and loneliness are truely taking my toll. Now that my best friend is dying from a brain decease and I haven’t been able to even see him. And that’s all I even care about right now, to hell with me. I’d rather have his decease, because it will cause death, but unlike his decease, migraine knows no end… It’s invisible, painful and kills all morale.
I want to go home, to the eternal life I’ve lived before I was doomed here to live with all of you assholes that let me down.
All I wanted was someone to be with. But no, not in those 2 years one came to me.
Due to the pain and stress I’ve been eating my own face from the inside, I’m about to cut myself, I need someone to talk to.
The story is rather incoherent since I copy pasted this shit from my Experience Project page.
Be sure to read the comments.
23 comments
I’m willing to talk to you if you want. I won’t try to stop you. Reading your post, I thought you may actually be better off. My views on suicide are made on a case-by-case basis, but I always believe in the right to die. I’m going to type up something longer, but I wanted you to know I was here.
The thing that I identified most with was chronic pain. That shit is hard. Really, unbelievably hard. Truly, I think chronic physical pain is hard than any emotional because it’s so hard to turn off. I have both emotional and physical so I feel relatively safe in making that claim.
Chronic pain bends the mind like nothing else. I don’t blame you for wishing to die when your body so rarely receives a break. I don’t really know anything about the therapies you’ve tried, but I’m sorry that you were unable to keep doing things that worked for you. That blows hard.
I also grew up with Christian parents. If I told you who they were you wouldn’t even believe it. Like you, however, I have a differing religion (or more accurately no religion. I don’t believe in God.) There are some good things about religion, and then there’s some incredibly shitty elements that should die in a fire. The inability to accept other religions, and the self righteous bigotry and fanaticism that seems to inherently follow any given religion are one of it’s downfalls.
That’s not what’s really important right now though. What’s important is that you feel isolated, ignored, and abandoned. That’s incredibly hard. I’m sorry you feel so alone. I’m just some random guy on the Internet, but you were worth my time right now. That’s at least something.
Differing sexual preferences are not totally understood by all of society yet, and that is also unfortunately something made worse by religion. The reality is there are a ton of people who don’t judge you for it though. I hear that it makes you feel like an outcast, but not everyone is so shocked and horrified by your preferences. The mind is complicated, and so is sexuality (despite seemingly very straight forward).
I’d like to think we’re making progress as a society in not treating people such as yourself they way we previously had, but I realize that doesn’t mean a whole lot to you right now. I want you to know that I accept you though, and realize your life is very complicated.
I don’t know what to tell you about your home situation. I have no answers for you there. In fact, I don’t have answers for a lot of your problems, but I wanted you to know someone gave a shit for at least a little bit. I promise to check in on this thread.
You know,
that is the best response anyone has ever wrote. Although I wish someone like god answered to this board once and gave miracle answers <3
But you know… I couldn't give a shit about migraine, if only I there was someone next to me in my bed. My head could explode into millions of pieces of blood and gore, but the fact that Psilocybin and Cannabis works for me against the pain, means that my situation is NOT respected.
Not by the government, hospital, help centers, religious help (whether its hare Krishna or Christianity). Quite frankly I'm one of the very few in here who don't actually want to kill them self, but actually DON'T have choice and for real.
And it means a great deal for me if people understand that. Now the thing is… there is one thing that can and will safe my life.
And individual that understands, and who would care for me. I've been looking for people, searching from complete strangers on the street, spiritual community and even hallucinogenic drug cults.
Now I'm being evicted out of my house, with Legionella infections, a bloated stomach and liver, unstable heart and migralepsy. I will die on the streets and I don't want to die down there, I want to die comfortably in my sleep. The thing is, you might never now what luck you might have.
I do truly know and believe there is life after death and that our existence consists of many dimensional layers, most people deny they exist. But there is already evidence of it. Consciousness DOES live on even with zero brain activity, because during such a time a famous scientist had an NDE and saw his lost daughter. Which is pretty self explanatory. Obviously I believe I will become my spiritual essence again when I die. I just don't want to leave the people alone who love me so much. I have so many things I'd like to do in life you know? But it just pains me that I cannot get to do those things.
So if I do come out of this hellhole alive… I will become hare Krishna priest, and my goal is to update the spirituality so it becomes accessible to everyone, hare Krishna has that potential since it only has so few indoctrination's which can easily be considered matters of personal opinion and own truth.
But will I live to see this happen? I don't know. On top of that I'm being indited. For free riding the train. The jail centers in Amsterdam are worse than any central European big city. In this distressed and self destructive state of mind, I will lose it even before they throw me in detention, and I'd rather die then being kept in the mental hospital where there is no hope of ever becoming a full human being again, and you will never be able to kill yourself there. Let alone with some dignity.
Yeah, it’s infuriating to be denied things you know were helping you. Maddening, even. I know that feeling well, though my situation is different. The hatred and disgust one feels for those withholding assistance only masks the hurt and sadness felt when no one cares enough to think outside the box (and law). I can imagine you feel very betrayed.
I know you feel out of options, and quite frankly, they seem pretty sparse. Is there no way to communicate with your parents that you’re pretty much screwed if they drop you onto the streets? It’s clear your parents are fanatical bigots who would be absolute misery to live with, but surely they don’t want their son to die on the streets like a dog? Are they really leaving you for dead? Be honest with me because it’s important. Are you literally out of options now? Is there no way to work out some sort of compromise where your faiths don’t have to be the defining factor in your relationship?
Clearly you need medical attention, don’t most European countries have massive safety nets? Is there nowhere you can go? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you not to die. That absolutely has to be your decision, I’m just trying to help process that decision with you.
I get you on psych wards. I’ve been locked up 6 times myself and would rather fight a cop to the death than ever go back. I keep knives in every room of my house just in case it ever comes down to that. My sense of security has been so warped by the authorities that the only way to feel like I have any control in my own home is to keep weapons around. Trust me, I get it.
Psych wards are hell, but they are also only temporary. The only reason I’m so adamant about not going back is because I’m ready to die and hoping they would kill me just by me threatening them. You, on the other hand, still want to live.
I’m trying to respect your wishes not to be told “there’s still hope!”. Your situation seems pretty hopeless to me, and if that’s what you need to hear I’ll say it a thousand times. However I’d like to help process a next step for you since you said you’re not really ready to die.
It is very much true they are ready to let me die out as a dog, but the unconditional love of the son-parent cannot ever be broken. My mom doesn’t want me at all, my dad is just being a greedy bastard, he told me he’d let me stay if I had an income for my insurance and food. But as sick person I cannot work, although I’ve actually tried in the past but was instantly fired during my first migraine attack at the job (sadly this case it was days in it was a trail period). The goverment will not help me to get social security since I did not finish school and I’m a known drug user.
My parents have terrible issues with themself aswell. My dad is an alcaholic, my mom a materialistic narcicist. My mom is to divorce my dad, they’ve been in a highly toxic relationship. My mom is extremely dominant and hypocritic, my dad is actually a homosexual but he as been hiding that from himself for 40 years, banging my mom for 20 years to convince himself he’s a heterosexual. My mother actually hits him, and used to force him to abuse me and my little brother. A year ago she announced the divorce to dad. and my dad went into suicidal psychosis. during the course of 6months, he screamed, over drank, cried, destroyed, harrased, damaged and attempted to hang, jump, cut and asphexiate himself 4 of which (train jumping). I’ve been present at 3 of his attempts. He is a mess. And I just found out my mom has another appointment with her lawyer and she’s going to divorce again, but now for real.
Yes I’ll admit, there is always hope. But dude, there is so very little of it. I gave up on it man, it’s either I’ll die or someone must safe me. I pray to my dragon god every day hehe, and so far, he did help to survive I guess, I got lucky with allot of things. But it appears I’m running out of it. So that’s why I’m on suicide project and just am being honest about everything.
The mental hospital… define temporary? Honestly from all the books I’ve read (I’m a well read intelligent person if I must say, it’s the little confidence in me.) there are 4 certainties about the mental hospital:
-Time slows down to a pace you will lose your mind, moreso than being in your own home.
-Unlike prison and law, the hospital may and will keep you until THEY THINK you are safe to go.
-Spiritual traits, rituals and things like astral projection are frowned upon and labelled as either symptons of dissociation (astral projection is induced dissociative dreaming) or personality disorder and they will keep you until you give it up.
-I would leave the mental hospital MUCH more fucked in the head, than the moment I would’ve entered it.
If you thought about death like I do, if you have ever had hallucinogenic experiences like I had you would understand no one is ever ‘ready’ to die except until at the very last moment, some will be.
Now… There is hope. But just only 2 real options for me. Death (clinical or suicidal) or Care from understanding and open minded loving individuals.
Someone?
*cires*
SeaDragonST,
I think a lot of people here genuinely care, as we understand the pain and the dilemma. I too suffer from migraines and seizure disorder, can’t work, and am told it is unlikely I can get disability. I have a source of financial help, but it means eating a lot of shit.
Hope you continue to write on here and can find some support here.
I can’t understand the pain you’re going through but I can understand parents who are so against your ideals that they basically chain you down and tell everyone else only the negative things and create lies about you.
If you were still under 18, I would have told you to go to social services or call the cops. They are preventing you from receiving proper care, that’s a big no no.
As of right now, due to your condition, you are going to have a rough life. For sure. I’m sure there are ways to get around this and to make a better life for yourself. I don’t have a medical condition, so there is no way I can tell you this. The most I can do is be with you here and support you as best as I can.
So if I have this correct, you are sexually attracted to snakes and dragons?
Yeah, and not fucking snakes, serpents and dragons. But being coiled and swallowed whole by them.
Intrested in the spiritual psychology behind it?
Wow, you’ve been through a lot, SeaDragon, and very little of it seems to be your fault. It’s clear that your parents are extremely broken people who have done almost everything they can to screw up your life. It’s no wonder they projected so much of their misery on to you – they hate themselves. Their neglect and abuse was criminal and you bear very little of the responsibility.
You’ve got a couple hard choices to make. Living with your parents is obviously a nightmare, but your dad is also willing to support you if you can find a job. Is it possible to get a low paying job where you can work from home? Something using a computer maybe? Web design, tech support, or being a call center representative are all things you can do from home. You could even be a translator for audio files or documents. You obviously know more than one language and there are companies that seek home based translators. You’d still be able to have your episodes while being employed.
You may require assistance from your parents (or a decent friend) to find one of these jobs, but they do exist. You’d have to live with the monsters that are your parents but at least you’d have a roof over your head. With enough money saved you could move out on your own or find a better situation.
The other option is to die. You won’t make it long on the streets and you’ll ultimately turn to theft just to eat. You’ll get caught eventually and tossed into jail. While I would personally rather die, I’m not sure you have it in you. You’re a survivor and that’s a different type of strength than what’s required to kill yourself.
LetmeSleep,
My Dad just blatently denied he offered me this shit. But even then, with these pains? I can’t do work for shit. Very little of it? Nothing was ever my fault except for being born.
Look I’m not the die type, so if there is anyone you know inside the european union that might be able to help me. Please present yourself/point me to the individual. I have nothing left.
Please someone… please…
hey, thats algood! who cares if ur sexually attracted to serpents and dragons, thats up 2 u!! hey i dnt live in the european union, so i cant really help, but im free to talk if you want to(:
I’m homeless, and I’m done.
Me too and they’re saying Letmesleep croaked too we droppin like flies bro I guess it’s OK no one gives a flying fock about us I’ll see you on the other side.
Someone like letmesleep?
…
God’s pulling us out it seems
I’m neither ready to live nor ready to die.
If it’s a money problem… Look into bitcoins, it is the monetairy ascention it seems. But even with money apart from smoking weed I don’t think I could do anything else.
@SeaDragonST “God’s pulling us out it seems”… I may have not understand it well but… what makes you think God wants these people to die?
Because he does want us to live.
Bieng suicidal is bieng dead inside, in a neutral ‘hell’ planet like this, death is often the only option. As it is governed by natural perfection (includes survivalism, excludes hidden complex human emotion such as devine love.) And not by devine perfection.
Why do I think this been happening? In about one year. I went from top-student at the best secundairy school in amsterdam, to a degenerate. My dad attempted 4 suicides in 2012, my spiritual awakening is still in progress. And my best mate is dying from a brain decease. Happy end of the world. Atleast for the people who see through this false reality. See you there too.
Will it kill me? The inability to kill myself, the stress of still going through the daily slur.
Every single minute of my life has become unbarable, and nobody fucking cares, I’m just the degenerate nobody fucking cares about. And walks by and look at me, like they’ve seen an insect.
THEN SQUASH ME! YOU PIECES OF SHIT! WHY DID SOMEONE GAVE ME BIRTH IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE.
THEN SQUASH ME! YOU FUCKING COWARDS, IT’S EASIER TO LET ME ROT IN YOUR WORLD CHAINED BY MY OWN MIND AND SOUL, THEN TO GET RID F THE TRASH YOURSELF. YOU DIRTY SONS OF BITCHES. CLEAN UP ALREADY! EVEN HITLER GET MORE SYMPATHY THAN ANYONE ELSE.
WHY? BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY WANTED TO MAKE A CHANGE AND SAW THE WORLD FOR WHAT IT WAS. AND GAVE THOSE WHO EVERYONE HATED ANYWAY THEIR FINAL RELIEF. HE ACTUALLY CLEANED HIS SHIT UP!
God is the worst father of all. He is always absent and not here for us. Heil Hitler.
And no I aint a nazi, I’m actually an ANTI-FACIST. But the reason I’m depressed because the entire world is stuck and getting more and more stuck.
I can’t take it anymore…
SeaDragonST,
I saw that you referred to this post under one of the comments on my post and I decided to check it out.
I read the post and the first two comments. I concur with Letmesleep in his first post.
I have a similar vision of the several dimensions view of all existence and afterlife that you have. We could share views some time if you’d like but I will not go further into it now.
In regards to your sexuality, I wouldn’t hold it against you. Or hold anyone’s sexuality against them. Holding it against you is sinful. Your parents are a trip. ‘Christians’. I wouldn’t hold it against them that they are stupid.
I have a thought on people that have sexuality of which is against nature. I think it all boils down to one area of the brain: the pleasure center.
As for smoking marijuana for your migraine problem/epilepsy, I see no wrong in it. I don’t consider marijuana wrong like the other drugs out there. It’s better than drinking alcohol. Alcohol just happens to be acceptable by society. Too much of anything is bad for you of course. Too much marijuana is bad because it impedes your memory. To level that out, I guess exercise more.
>_>
I offer my time if you just need someone to listen.
*I concur with Letmesleep in his first two comments.
There is no ‘pleasure center’ inside the brain. Physical experiences and emotions are vastly controlled by the 5HT receptors, which controll everykind of feeling or mood depending on the aminoacidic hormone that’s bieng transmitted into them. With sex that’s dopamine, dmt and nouriprine. Depending on your sexual habits… In my case a larger amount of dmt is produced, which is actually healthy. Why? Because voraphillia has to do with a pure spiritual energetic satisfaction that comes from Inside, rather than outside (such as a ***** that you are having sex with.)
WOW, if I were you, I would not kill myself. I would totally go out in the world, get any job you can. Rent a room from a nice couple or someone on Craig’s list. Save, save save. Then, create your own life without all the completely negative, crazy stuff. Your headaches will probably go away when you have no stress from crazy religious fanatics. Once you have the money, get a loan and go to community college to get one of the practical degrees to make decent money and have your own home. Find nice people who are good to hang around. Life can only get better!!