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That damn curiosity is keeping me alive

by glass_music_cup

I feel so at home when I’m here. This is a different place that I have ever been before. I use a journaling website, but the depression sites are usually filled with younger people who  are not actively planning or who have ineffective plans–you know, methods like, “oh, I’ll just slit my wrists” that will likely not work. There are no discussions about debating of methods, pros/cons and the preparation beforehand. I read on here with a fever and excitement that I rarely feel. I feel like I discovered the jackpot–I am rolling in gold-worthy information.

Does anyone else here want to commit suicide–but is deathly (no pun intended) afraid? I am a curious person, who loves rivers, cats, children, coffee and hugs. I want to know what will happen to the world in a few years. I want to see where my little sister goes. However, for the sake of people around me, and for the reason that I am a boring person and I feel that there is something neurobiologically wrong with me–I feel that this is the right thing to do. I have always felt that I am somehow “off” compared to others. There has always been a lingering shadow of fear, anxiety and despair. I don’t know how to socialize properly, I am not eloquent, I am not gifted, etc. I feel too intensely and not enough at the same time. I feel like I listen to words underwater.

It makes me angry when people say it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It makes me livid, actually. For me, it is not about not being thank ful for what I have.  It is not about situational issues. It is that I am to the core, broken. The brain is an orgran, just like the skin or the heart. People who get cancer aren’t told to snap their fingers and heal. Yet, there is so much stigma against severe depression. It is seen as a character flaw, a CHOICE, and a decision to wallow in pity.   I truly believe that there is something wrong with me that therapy and medication has not been able to fix.

I want to die in June but damn curiosity wants me to wait until later because I want to see if the coalition I work on received this grant I worked on. Fucking curiosity. I actually don’t want to do it, but I know I have to. It is the only way I can make things right…I have been such a failure in every facet of my life, and this is the best gift I can give to the world.

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totallyagree 4/9/2013 - 7:50 pm

My favorite quote is (I also have neurobiological problems and have a terrible memory, so this is a paraphrase, not a full quote) “just like a seed can grow without the hard outer shell being broken, we too cannot grow without breaking”

It’s beautiful and it’s saved me from my sadness over and over again 🙂 We’re all really very weird and people who aren’t are probably liars. A friend of mine said it’s a good thing to wear your crazy on the outside, it’s the people who seem normal you have to worry about.

Very true!

Death is actually a good friend. He sits side by side with you every day, never leaves you, and is always going to keep his promise. The least you could do, given that he is such a good friend, is let him do his job, in his own way, in his own time.

What death has in store for all of us is ultimately much more cathartic than anything we could pen out for ourselves. After all, it’s a universal force of nature, immortal, and kind of super sexy 😉

You seem smart, so don’t give in to the theory that there is such a thing as normal. Everything is gray from far away but when you look more closely, every colour of the rainbow exists in a single photon. So tiny but sooooo much light!

totallyagree 4/9/2013 - 8:09 pm

LOL~ I get that. I’ve said that exact same thing soooo many times in the last month I’ve lost count. There isn’t anything wrong with you though. Life is just fucking weird. It’s really strange when you look at the communications we have with one another, how one brain tries to understand another.

Food is a tough one for me too. I’ve been eating nothing but potatoes all day even though I know what it’s going to do to me later. But I love the salty carbs, especially drenched in olive oil. I’ve gone up and down with food, I’m kind of lucky right now because I’m poor and can’t afford food, so it really isn’t a choice I have to make.

And there isn’t anything missing from you, there are people who are literally born with half a brain and function well, others have everything where it should be, doing what it should, but can’t stop masterbating in public places. It’s just that humans are animals, our souls cry out for something more than sweat and blood and shit, but in the end that’s what we are, with feelings. And the weirdness of it is a lot for a small organ to process, especially when there are soooo many of us, and so many interactions to deal with, and then there are politics, and religion, and money, and love, fucking love. It’s a wonder we function at all.

FateFellShort 4/9/2013 - 8:51 pm

I tried to write a response to your last post, but couldn’t manage to finish it. I deeply empathize with the pain of having a severe eating disorder though, and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

I don’t feel well enough to write much of a response now (which is really frustrating, because there’s a lot I want to say in response to this post and your previous one), but I figure something’s better than nothing, right?

I can relate to so much of what you’ve written. I too feel that my brain and body are broken beyond repair, and that the only thing that makes sense now is to just take pity on myself and end all of this already. Intellectually, I believe that suicide is the right choice for me to make. But for some inexplicable reason, some small, stupid, irrational, emotional part of me can’t seem to let go of life, even though I’m miserable. I’ve been actively trying to push myself to suicide so that I won’t have to suffer anymore, but I haven’t managed to get there. And then of course there’s the small part of me that’s also actively trying to make things better, even though I know there’s very little hope that they ever will. The result is that I vacillate back and forth between ambivalence and just wanting to die, and I’m trying to go in both directions at the same time, yet they’re both so difficult that I can’t manage either of them! It sucks being both the prisoner and the captor at the same time.

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