Hi everyone,
Just like most people on this site, I am and have been feeling terribly depressed, enough so that suicidal thought has been my best friend for a few years now. The difference is that, well I am the cause of all my problems and my problems are negatively affecting the life of other people around me right now, people that I actually care for and love, mainly my parents. I am surrounded by kind, decent folks and I bring nothing of value to this world. I once read that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But I also often ask myself, what if my problem is permanent. My demise I think would probably bring some relief to my family.
See I’m the only child, and my parents spared no expense and effort in making sure that I could attain a good education. And I was able to do that right up until I started college when I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and picking up bad habits. Now 10 years later and I still haven’t graduated even though I’m extremely close to it. But the worst thing that I did, was that I lied to my parents saying that I finished. Now that I moved back home (a country outside the US) to work in my family’s business, they found out the truth and needless to say they were extremely saddened. To make matters worse, I now suffer from severe social anxiety, possibly due to years of drug abuse (nothing hardcore though, I only smoked pot). And that makes it very hard to deal with everyone around me, even family members.
I feel like I’ve let everyone down, and that is still an understatement. Frankly I know that I am a disgrace to my family and even if I can successfully end my life right here, it would not do any good in restoring my family’s honor. But at least everyone would know for sure that I am very very very very sorry. I said sorry too many times before already and it means nothing to anyone anymore.
I’m sure a lot of people on this site knows that feeling when you go to sleep wishing you never had to wake up. If only there were a way to make that wish come true right? Or when you wake up in the morning and you just curse yourself for your own existence, like what a sad miserable, useless piece of no. 2 I am.
So after ranting, my hope is that someone could show me the fastest and least painful (and of course feasible) way to carry out this task (or you’re not allowed to ask this question on this site I dont know??)
P.S. I just reread my post and it seems very incoherent. Sorry if it gives you readers (if any) a hard time.
7 comments
Hey, I think I feel the same way you do, in a way – that my problem is actually permanent and stems entirely from myself, rather than from some outside circumstance. I can’t relate to the latter half of your story though; I’m still just starting college.
And no, I don’t think this is an appropriate place to ask for suicide methods. But from reading this, it seems that the bulk of your problems might be more circumstantial than intrinsic, which is hopeful. It would probably require a lot of work and time, but you still have the opportunity to redeem yourself. You said you are close to finishing your degree, so maybe you can pick yourself up from here.
Another possibility is that you’re not as keen to higher education as your parents want you to be. Maybe you’re not actually that passionate about whatever degree you’re seeking. I can’t speak from experience, but as hard as it may be, it must be possible to turn your life around, in a different direction that would make you happier. And I think a lot of people use this website as a place to vent, or find solace in some way. So hopefully it can help you out a bit, too.
I think your family knows that you are sorry. They don’t want you dead, they want you well.
Thanks guys. What i wrote was just a quick summary of all the problems I have. There’s more to it but I still don’t know if it would matter even if I write it all down. I knew what I should expect when I began writing my post: people I don’t know would offer me some sort of consolation, telling me that it would be better . But again what good will it do when I can’t find the courage or the will to try any more. I actually want to see a reply where someone would go head and tell me: yeah go for it dude, if things can’t be any worse than this, what are you waiting for. I appreciate you guys’ response though. I’m sure you all are caring folks and have a positive impact on the life of people around you. I, on the other hand, can’t say the same for me anymore. There are two things that stand between my chest and that blade right now: one is that I’m terrified of pain, and two is the fear of failing to actually kill myself. I don’t want to have to live through a failed attempt and see how it affects the people around me. But for sure I could hardly count this as “living.” For sure if or when I decide to go through, I would have to make sure that there is no room for error. It just has to work.
Also why the heck is my email address showing?? can someone please help me fix this???
I’m not trying to console you; I’m trying to tell you the truth. If you found somebody to say “go for it”, you would just be finding somebody more wicked than you, to push you into doing an incredibly wicked deed. It wouldn’t absolve you of responsibility, because you went looking for that person.
I’m sorry that your life sucks, I really am. And I’m sorry that you’re trapped in it – I am, too. But how does my sorrow change anything? It doesn’t.
No, I’m not caring and positive. I write things like this as much for my benefit as for yours, because if I kill myself, I want to know before I do exactly what it is, namely: “I caused massive suffering for everyone around me, for the *possibility* of relieving my own suffering.”
Put like that, it’s a little easier to live for one more day, don’t you think?
Thanking for taking your time to reply blub
blub is obviously right. I have been in all of your places. And that’s why I am still here. This is a website for truth and the truth is that we need each other to go on — or somehow we do because hearing we are not alone helps making it a little easier (at least for me) to live one more day. Thank you, then, for participating and for being there. I spend entire days thinking only of one thing: how can I end without causing any suffering to anyone? And the answer simply is that I can’t. It’s just not possible.