I think I want to get better, I mean I should want to get better …. but then I don’t. I came out of hospital for a suicide attempt a couple months ago and I’m expected to be better now. I’m expected to be happy, I’m expected to be normal. Normal is such a funny word. Is normal an action, a belief, a lifestyle? Or is it a character I’m expected to play? I’m sixteen years old. I don’t live with my abusive mum anymore and I no longer binge drink or do drugs. I should be happy, shouldn’t I? My dad is super controlling and hard core religious and keeps telling me “This is all because you don’t believe in God.” and maybe it is. I thought I was a good person. I care about everyone and it kills me how many people are mean and filled with hate but that’s not good enough. I need to be perfect, pure and normal.
I shouldn’t be sitting in my room, with my phone taken because I’m not acting “normal” by sitting alone, because that’s isolating and isolating is wrong. I can’t feel anything now, just the cuts on my leg giving off jabs of pain….. why is it calming to me? I should be crying, but I’m not. I just don’t make sense and I don’t belong here, I’m just not normal. All I hear is paranoia and my anxiety is consuming me, and I’m in a glass box that’s getting smaller and smaller and its going to shatter, I just don’t know WHEN.
6 comments
Being perfect is non-exsistant. No one is perfect. There’s only one question. Do you want to get better? It’s all up to you. Yes you’ll have to work for it but it’s worth it. God is great. You should give him a try. Don’t think he grants wishes though, he’s not a genie. A lot of people forget that. Get help of you still need it. Nothing wrong with help. If you didn’t belong here, god wouldn’t have put you here(:
Thanks, It helps to hear someone say that, and I have been reading up on different religions. I have noooooooo idea which one to choose so we’ll see, I guess. Help might be a really good idea, I was considering talking to my dad but I need to catch him in a decent mood first.
Thank you for commenting! I hope you’re right.
I know what you’re saying. I’m just like that. I don’t know why but I don’t wanna get better. I mean, I should want to get better but I’ve dealt with this for a while and I’ve gotten used to the pain; the depression; the anxieties. Getting better is what everyone wants right? Well I don’t belong in that category. I can’t explain it. I can try as much as I want and I still won’t want to get better
Yeah, its hard for other people to understand, hell its hard for me to understand. I suppose it’s fear of not being afraid? Maybe it’s because we know it will take a lot of work to get better, or maybe because we’re just so used to being depressed? I dont think anyone wants it right away, and even the people who do decide they want to get better probably have days they don’t know. At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now, and I sincerely hope is true.
I didn’t either because silly enough, my writings were dark but beautiful and being on my anti-depressants made that side disappear and I didn’t like that so I stopped taking them. Never took them again. I eventually got better but I suffer a lot with anxiety now
Same here Darien. Antidepressants stole my personality. I’d rather be who I am am miserable than a blank page with nothing to say. I already have little to say anyway. ._.