The world is sick.
There’s really nothing more profound to say than that, but I have a story to tell, it may be removed, rejected, have hate thrown at it, whatever, but when I’m going against the forces of the universe that are beyond my direct perception and control, that’s to be expected. I could go into every detail of how I know what I know and how I learned what I learned but no one wants to read about anything important, no, they don’t. So instead, here’s my story, with, an entertaining veil thrown over it to cover up all the “gruesome” details you don’t want to hear, yes I know what you want because we all want the same thing and I know what I want, I therefore know what everyone else wants, and it’s not this, what you’re reading right now, it’s what you’re about to read possibly, see that’s the thing, I don’t know, because what you want, is uncertainty, you want to be entertained and the only way that can be accomplished is if you’re uncertain. First of all I need to put you in the right mind set before you read this or it won’t make any sense. So, prepare to be schooled!
Lesson #1:There is a force (and/or forces) beyond our
understanding manipulating us all from the side lines.
There is a power, that makes us who we are. It makes a choice to create a circumstance for us to make a choice about. Our choice then creates a circumstance to which “that” (whatever “that” is) responds by making a choice, which then creates another circumstance for us to respond to and so on and so forth. It goes on that way for longer than I can see. But my point is, choice and free will, are an illusion because every choice we have is predetermined by the circumstances we’re placed in, and the original circumstance we came from was not determined by us or any choice we made. In short we did not CHOOSE to exist or else we never would’ve chosen to.
The musing that choice is the foundation of reality is a popular one but it is a lie, it’s a lie that you have to believe as true though if you ever want to be a happy. And it seems that for some people it’s a lie that’s maintainable because they forget what’s true. Just as I have. So, if choice is a lie, and circumstance is what determines our actions and out come, then, ultimately…
Lesson #2: People are NOT responsible for their actions.
Only, accountable.
Reality was created with a distinct separation between responsibility and accountability. Why? who knows? Whatever created it all I guess. Regardless, we’re all here now existing, whether we want to or not and we’ll continue to until a circumstance comes along that makes us stop existing in the way we do now. My point is, we won’t choose to stop existing just as we didn’t choose to start. We don’t get a choice or a say in the matter about, anything really. We just… are. Until we’re not. We are all… A joke.
Lesson #3: You don’t want to know, you want to see.
This is where I have no choice but to bring my own subjective experience into the mix for this is an emotional conclusion and has no external observational evidence to back it up, only internal. Though, that doesn’t make it ANY less true.
((STORY:
I was contemplating suicide more seriously than ever and I was walking down a hill on a mountain trail just north of LA, I got to the bottom of the paved part of the trail but it naturally continued beyond what man/woman created, I continued walking down the “trail” and it started to have these sharp downward drops, I climbed down two of them and came to the third one, it was the steepest yet, and I was just mindlessly climbing down, suddenly I had a feeling that coincided with a thought, but it was not just in response to the situation that was in front of me, it was also in response to the situation I was contemplating. I was climbing down a cliff face and I realized I might not be able to get back up, if continued down, I KNEW I wouldn’t be able to get back up, I hadn’t told anyone where I was and this trail was deserted, it could’ve been days or weeks (or maybe never at all) until anyone noticed I was there, if I continued down and got stuck in the valley that would be it. I stopped when a thought came across my mind, a thought that coincided both with my fruitless mountain climb downward and my contemplation of suicide. It was as follows.”If you do this, no one will be able to hear you scream.” That thought froze me in my tracks from my climb, and I looked up and realized, I might be stuck here already, in this valley, with no one around, no food or water to get me by, I felt trapped. But I saw a rock that jutted out a little more than the rest from the little indention I was standing on, so I reached for that and nearly pulled a muscle getting back up to it, from there I was able to climb up relatively easily, once I was heading back on the paved part of the trail, I felt a great sense of relief. END STORY)) It was then I realized something, that experience taught me through a transference of feeling so strong I swear it transcended the barrier of death (if there is such a thing) and that is that whatever it is, life, existence, the universe whatever it is, whatever this all is…
Lesson #4:It goes on forever
I can’t claim for certain but I am 70% sure that when you die you will lose all of your memories, all of your character traits, everything that makes you you, will be gone, with the snap of a finger, the blink of an eye, you, gone. But… Even though everything that makes you, you will be gone, YOU will not be gone. The part of you that perceives and feels will remain, and will likely have a very short opportunity to make a choice. Go or stay. If you go there will be trouble, if you stay there will be double (yes I’m quoting a song, music is important to observe the directly Un-observable, I think so anyways)
Lesson #5:Lies are Light, light is light. The truth is dark, darkness is heavy.
When people say they “want to know the truth” what they mean (whether they realize it or not) is that they want to hear a beautiful lie. And if they did realize that that’s what they mean when they’re asking that question, they’d know they want that anyways because the truth is something to dark and too heavy for anyone to handle if taken seriously.
That’s where lying comes in. Lying is the most powerful tool we have, if we can lie to ourselves and others well enough, who knows what is and isn’t possible to accomplish? I mean, why do you think actors are revered by society at large as the most “happy” and “successful” individuals? Its because all success, and all happiness, is a lie, and they are the best liars. So lie. It’s the only way to get what you want, it always has been and always will be. The first lie you have to believe is that when you’re lying to yourself, you’re not lying to yourself. The only way to do that is to forget lies are lies. If you’re suicidal, you’re smart because you know lies are lies and truth is the truth and facts are facts, and that’s a BAD thing. It is not your place to be able to distinguish fact from fiction but if you can then well, welcome to your perpetual nightmare because whatever force(s) is(are) out there will not let you hear/feel/taste/smell/see the end of it, whatever “that” is, punishes you for your ability to distinguish reality from facades and facsimiles that it creates to do… who knows, what!? (Well, it knows but it will never tell us, maybe I should add that to my list of facts? Nah, not enough evidence.) Just remember (or rather, forget) the smarter you are, the harder it is to forget things you’ve learned. And if you’ve learned that life is a lie, that will be ridiculously hard to forget so… Good luck with that!
Facts:
It continues
Pain is ever present
My own interpretation and conclusion: Don’t kill yourself, you’re already dead, as dead as you can be anyways with a being of sorts continually cursing us with our own existence. If you want to take a chance and die before “it” gets bored of you, go ahead fellow pawn. Just don’t expect me to follow you any time in the near future. As long as death isn’t what I thought it was, I don’t want to kill myself, I will avoid being stuck in a place where no one can hear me scream for as long as I can personally. In fact, there’s one more thing I have to say about life.
(well many things actually but this one’s kind of important, to me anyway)
Life is dodging bullets, how good your life is depends on how gracefully you dodge them. Death is your failure to dodge a bullet (and it’s inevitable with the world shooting more and more bullets at you as time goes on). So, how long can you dodge? Or more importantly how long can you dodge gracefully?
…
That’s all I got.
About my present. About my past, I could go on for well… A very very long time. And I’ll go on for a little longer but I’m hungry and I want lunch soon so this’ll be it soon enough.
So, all of that just to preset the story I’m about to tell you all, yeah that’s a lot of back ground (er, fore ground) but I thought it necessary to explain the nature of what I am now before you could truly understand the tragedy of my past, the tragedy that I cover with a custom made internal veil all day every day. Since I learned I likely can’t ever truly die. Rewind back, all the way back, 3 years. Heh, 3 years, it feels like thirty. Or like I wasn’t even me back then, or I’m not me now… I was so naive back then, oh, I knew the world had problems I was pretty smart. I learned to read when I was 1 year old. Counted to 1000 for fun when I was 3 on long car drives my parents took me on. Had an exceptional singing voice that got noticed in third grade. The music teacher pulled me aside and called my parents just to tell me and them that I was special. Sounds like a set up for success right? Well, for almost any other person it would be but not for me. You see, I am, or heh, WAS special in both the good and bad way. Mentally talented AND mentally handicapped, and unfortunately what constitutes as success most in this world is your ability to lie to people. I could lie, but I didn’t like it and when it was about anything important I wasn’t very good at it. As it turns out, that’s the MOST important thing to lie to someone about, anything that’s important. Letting people know about your reservations and your failings, your short comings and your strengths all in one package alienates you from everyone else, because people need to think you’re perfect before you even show up on their radar of attention, it doesn’t even matter to them if you are or not, just pretend you’re perfect and don’t do anything else and other people will revere you almost as a god (they’ll even be jealous of you and that can be fun, for you anyways, not for them). If you don’t pretend you’re perfect, that prevents you from making social connections which would’ve let you be noticed. Without being noticed and seeing other people with similar and inferior talents being praised for their talents only made me want to try harder to develop my own, but no matter how good I got, I never received recognition, because, I never lied. No one wants honesty, they want deceit and treachery, they want to be betrayed because they want to feel anything in their dead lives where they don’t want to do anything or try anything to live again, or have a good relationship with another person because relationships are impossible, there is no way out, I’m hungry, I’m done, good bye.
Those who don’t get it, are those who are in charge.
9 comments
You made some very good points.
I have a little different view about the lying, though. I don’t think we necessarily WANT to hear lies, but we want so desperately for the (soon-to-be) lies to be truth. We want to hear the good things from people because we want to hear they’re good people. I’m probably wording this terribly, so I’ll try to make an example?
i.e. Say your significant other cheated on you and you confront them. They say they didn’t cheat. That’s what we want to hear, but we want to hear it as the truth. Of course I don’t want to hear the truth they cheated, I’m human and that sucks. I just wish they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place, ya know?
We wish the only good things people tell us weren’t lies. So it’s not like we want people to lie to us, but we want people to be good humans that do good things and have no need to tell lies, hide things, or spare others’ feelings.
I like what you wrote, you are a very good writer and very intelligent to be able to put those ideas into words. I especially like the story about climbing down and realising you where in a place where no one could hear you scream, and that death was a place where no one can hear you scream. That’s the problem with death, what if it is a place where you are alone and no one hears you scream?
The part you wrote about lying. I like people who don’t always do things right, who have flaws and accept that I have flaws and don’t do things right. People who seem perfect to me are always scary.
I’m in a fucked up state tonight but my world is crashing down. I’m convinced someone who I never thought would lie to me is fucking dead pan lying to me. I need to smoke some weed. I need something fucking powerful for this pain. I don’t know what the fuck is happening to me. I don’t wanna hijack your thread so I’ll stop but I feel like it’s the truth. That they’re lying. The person I know would never do that but I don’t feel like I know the person I’ve been speaking to the past couple days. I need someone to slap me back to reality and tell me they would never do that. I’ve never felt this much anxiety with this person. Only felt this intensity with one ex lover. And my suspicions were true.
Canto, I hope your aren’t being betrayed. But, It sounds like you are experiencing an extreme anxiety attack and have tons of adrenalin coursing through your system (fight or flight syndrome). Best thing to do is to do something physically exhausting like running up and down stairs, or hills, or just running to get all the adrenalin out of your system because if you don’t burn it off it is toxic and makes you feel crazy and sick.
Yeah all night I was having mad panic attacks and flashes of betrayal. I still dont know if its reality but I wish I was knackered so I could blame it on something. Like i say I need a drug to kill me or at least kill the pain right now. Fuck! I’m in my car now but fuck, let me tell you I think im being dicked around hard right now. Lets talk about something else tho
@OP You sound very cynical and misanthropic. Lying to people has always backfired for me and for others that I knew, so I’d suggest not to do that. People deserve to hear what’s going on if it’s their right because they’re either a good friend or significant other. If you’re talking about acquaintances, well, you shouldn’t “make up tales” and tell falsehoods, but it’s not like they care about hearing all your secrets so when they ask “How are you” you can easily answer “I’m fine! Everything is going well!” even if it’s not.
If you lie to everyone in your life, especially those closest to you, all you will do is alienate them. Trust me. Being betrayed is not a pleasant feeling and no one wants that unless they’re a masochist with low self-esteem who likes playing the victim game. Then they can say “See? People treat me like shit because I don’t deserve better” blah blah, when the truth is that the blame is not on them, but on the person who was selfish and cowardly enough not to be upfront with them.
Plus, it is rewarding to develop lasting bonds with people and there’s no way you can do that unless you trust them – and that means that you expect they’ll be honest with you, and they think the same of you. Once someone is betrayed, trust goes out the window and it’s not easy to rebuild.
If you want to be a sociopathic loner who uses people then quickly ditches them after they find out all your lies, suit yourself. But you’ll be lonely.
My apologies if I sound at all judgmental or preachy. I’m merely speaking from my own personal experiences.
What you write does make sense, in that sociopaths/psychopaths/liars do rise to the top, they say that a high percentage of CEOs tested are sociopaths. But people don’t like them, they are usually hated by those around them, but they just don’t care and do what ever they can to get to the top- with no feelings they are more efficient.