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I’m nonbinary and had top surgery in March. My relationship of almost four years ended the next month because of it. If I could do it all over again I would get the surgery again, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone before. I moved back to the town where most of my friends live, into an apartment with one of my friends of 7 years. Friends? It feels an empty term almost. I’m alone and they don’t want to hear about my problems. I’m always there when someone needs to talk but I don’t get the same in return, or I just don’t want to be a burden. A friend of mine just recently started a relationship. I’m not going to bog him down.

I never want to be in love again. It hurts. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed. Everyone annoys me. Everyone frustrates me. Little things, like someone’s laugh or their body language. I never want to be in love again because I don’t want to get hurt again, I don’t want to give anyone that power again, but god I’m lonely. I can’t find a job and rent is due soon. My parents think I’m insane. My surgery scars itch. Nights are bad and I’ve been drinking too much. I often lie awake and think of all the ways I could die; images unbidden into my head. There have been two shootings near my apartment since I moved back. I think about how I wish someone would shoot me.

I attempted twice a couple years back, before I found a therapist to approve my top surgery and thought that being in a body I could tolerate was something I could never achieve. I attempted in April, after the breakup. I don’t know when I’ll attempt next. I’m so tired. I feel like a coward.