why am i still here…?

Honestly that is a question I ask myself every single day, I’ve pretty much been dead inside since the ripe young age of six (for reasons I’d rather not get into but anyone with an imagination can figure out.) At just six I felt alone, scared, confused and an array of fucked up emotions no child can even begin to understand, by the time I was 13 I was way into self harming, but to be honest it did nothing, not even the physical pain of slicing into my own skin with a razor blade could replace the dead, empty pain I felt inside. I was numb to everything, everyone. But I did find my own kind of happiness in the bottom of a bottle, and handfuls of pills, by 15 I was an addict, I let myself believe that these little bitty things were the key to my being alive, my happiness. What really sent me over the edge was when my grandmother passed away from cancer, I was devastated. Here I was a 15 year old child, an addict, a high school drop out, a complete and utterly pathetic excuse of a person, I loved my grandma, she was in fact the only grandparent I had ever known (my other grandparents died when I was very young) at times it was like she was the only one who cared, my dad sure as hell didn’t care, and my mom was so lost in her own little perfect world, I had no one else. So now here I am at 26 and I’m pretty Much still in the same boat, I am currently in the process of getting clean, its hard, I’ve tried so many times before and have always failed, but I want it so bad I can taste it, I’m sick of the person I am, I wasn’t exactly normal before but now its like I’m not even human. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years (its OK tho no tears shed here over him) it was honestly for the best, we had different views, different beliefs, hell we didn’t even like the same kind of music. The main problem tho was the fact he thought it was okay to sleep around with who ever the hell he wanted to, the only thing I can say I do miss about having him around was just having someone to talk to, although I never told him all of my problems, he was the only ear I had. All of my “friends” are so busy with their own lives, I Don’t want to burden them with my problems…so I found myself sitting on the side of my bed the other day, several bottles of muscle relaxers and sleeping pills and a full bottle of jager, I had my blades out ready to do the deed, but something stopped me, I heard the laughter of my niece and nephew playing, and thought what the hell are you doing? Do you really want your 9 year old nice to be the one to walk in and find you? Do you really want to traumatize her the way you were traumatized as a kid? No I Don’t want my niece nor my nephew to have to have to walk that same road as me, not on my account, I want them to be kids for as long as they can, so why am I still here in this hell that is my life? Enduring the most awful pain I have ever felt (it feels like the devil himself is tearing me apart from the inside out) ? I guess for now the answer will have to be  those two amazing kids who have a whole life ahead of them, god only knows it wont always be easy, but I hope with everything in me its easier (and happier!) Then the life I’ve lived so far.