Author

hollylion

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More at peace with dying than I ever have been

by hollylion 1/10/2016

written by hollylion

My entire life is a nightmare. I didn’t think things could get any worse but they did, they can always get worse. I have no hope for a future. It would only consist of anxiety and loneliness, of being haunted by what my has been so far. I can’t do that, I just can’t. I’m 29 years old and I have given up. I feel too old to start over, too old to have the life I’ve always wanted. Because it’s too late now. I’m too young to be close to death, too young to have the health problems take over and kill me.

I’ve thought […]

1/10/2016 6 comments

I just want my thoughts to stop

by hollylion 12/4/2015

written by hollylion

All the memories just replay in my head over and over. The good ones make me think how can this possibly be happening when things were so good? And the bad ones make me wonder what I did wrong and think of a million other ways I could have done things differently. Just over and over and over.

The only time I get away is if my sleeping pills work or I’m asleep. I feel like if I had the access and knowledge I would become an addict to something because I can’t imagine living a life being haunted by memories. How am I supposed to […]

12/4/2015 1 comment

Do you think that some people are just cursed?

by hollylion 11/23/2015

written by hollylion

It’s something that’s just in fairytales and movies, but sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as being cursed? If there is something out there in the universe that causes some lives to be charmed, normal, whatever and some to be unfortunate.

I used to post here a long time ago. I had a plan to travel and if that went well I would give life a chance and if it didn’t then I was ready to kill myself. I had pills ordered and everything.

And things got better. Then bad again, then better, then bad again. But then things got perfect. I ripped up […]

11/23/2015 8 comments

My husband is leaving me and I can’t go on

by hollylion 11/14/2015

written by hollylion

I used to post here a lot, about a year and a half ago. I was hopeless and wanted everything to end so bad. I hoped and prayed everyday for things to get better and did everything I could to make it happen. I came here to not feel so alone.

And things did get better. It took a while but all my wishes came true and I finally got the happiness I had been seeking for so long.

It was all because of a guy I was in love with and was waiting for him to come back to me. He finally did and he proposed. […]

11/14/2015 7 comments

If only!

by hollylion 4/25/2014

written by hollylion

I wish all of us on here could just get together in one place and hug and cry and eat a lot of food. Especially since so many of us are so lonely and no one else understands what we’re going through.

4/25/2014 10 comments

Still Here

by hollylion 3/15/2014

written by hollylion

As bad as I want to die I haven’t given in yet. I’m trying really hard to make it through the next 8 weeks until my trip, it’s the only thing might save me. I want to wait until after it to make my final decision. I’m trying and fighting, even though it’s causing me unbearable pain in the process.

I might not get through the 8 weeks though, I’m barely getting through the days. I quit my job so I just sleep my days away and drink at night, but thankfully I got my Ambien prescription filled today so maybe I can sleep at night. […]

3/15/2014 4 comments

by hollylion 3/2/2014

written by hollylion

I’ve decided that I want to do this.

I have everything planned out, I just need to finish writing my letters. A long time ago the plan was to write a letter for everyone who has ever been a part of my life but now I just want to do close friends and family, it’s too overwhelming to try to write something for everyone, especially people who I haven’t talked to in years.

I feel like this is what is meant for me. After years of fighting and hoping and praying I just can’t do it anymore. Nothing is ever going to work out or stay going […]

3/2/2014 4 comments

Does anyone else ever do stuff like this?

by hollylion 2/24/2014

written by hollylion

Does anyone else ever put themselves in risky situations in hopes that they might be killed? Like walking at night hoping to get ran over or stabbed, or going hiking in an unknown area and you’re inexperienced, driving in bad weather, or do some extreme sport or activity. Anything that puts you at risk, because you feel like it would be better to get in an “accident” instead of committing suicide, which has so much stigma attached to it.

I do this, I find myself not caring if something happens to me. A lot of times IÂ hope something happens to me.

2/24/2014 7 comments

The worst

by hollylion 2/19/2014

written by hollylion

It really sucks when you attempt to kill yourself, or talk about killing yourself, you have to go stay in a psychiatric hospital for however long. I know that there are some facilities that are awesome and are really helpful, but it seems that most of them don’t do any good.

There you are at the lowest point in your life and absolutely miserable, and then you are forced to go stay at a hospital with all of your rights stripped away when really the best thing is for you to be in your home where you are comfortable and can go about your life.

When you’re […]

2/19/2014 5 comments

Sometimes It Doesn’t Get Better

by hollylion 2/17/2014

written by hollylion

I get tired of hearing that things will get better, just give it time, etc. Maybe they will get better or maybe they won’t, none of us can tell the future, but what about the time in-between? What about barely getting through the days and the nights, constantly hurting and wanting to die? Â What if you just can’t take that anymore? I have waited and waited and waited and nothing has gotten better. Just when I think that itÂ willÂ get better for once, it all gets taken away.

I can barely get through everyday. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I cannot take this pain […]

2/17/2014 8 comments