Growing up I was really poor but I was always told, “You are going to be something great!”. School was so easy most of the time I felt like I wasn’t challenged enough. I have always been good at most things I try. Girls have always wanted to be with me. I’m smart, wise, artistic, good looking and athletic. I can do everything from paint portraits to fly a plane, all self-taught! I have a wonderful girlfriend who is everything I ever wanted in a girl. But I feel so lonely. So empty…. My heart hurts and I don’t know why. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. I expected so much more from life.
I have been manically depressed going on 5 years. It started when I was in the Marines. They kicked me out for “personality disorder” after I refused to take a life. They stuck me in a room full of “crazy people” and took away all mental stimulative privileges for three months. My crime was that of doing what I consciously believed to be right. The only thing I gained from the military was the reoccurring thoughts of death, killing and suicide. After getting out I lived in a tent for a few months trying to find myself, god, or whatever. Living off of the the animals I would kill and bathing in a lake. I never found any piece of mind.
I never realized how much different I was from other people until I got into the “Real World”. I tried to do the normal thing. Go to college. Make friends. That sort of stuff. But I felt like I was lying to myself. I have always been good at making friends. They always come to me for advice. I have helped lots of people get on the right track in life. Funny how ironic that is. Maybe I wasn’t meant to live? Should have died along time ago. Hell, I’m even starting to see things and hear voices. A few years ago it would’ve scared me. But I have grown used to the screams…..
I now have no illusions of a “god” of any kind. There is no afterlife. There is no higher power. What we have here is all there is. Its a depressing thought. I didn’t come to this conclusion through anger, sadness or grief, but out of logical thought. I have begged and pleaded for some sort of proof. Yelling until my lungs burn and my throat bleeds. I don’t ask for help. I don’t ask for assistance. Just acknowledgment. But no. Nothing. This isn’t really a big deal to me anymore. But to me it represents the death of a big part of my childlike innocences.
I have faced death many times. Took so many chances when I was younger. I’ve been stabbed. Beat. Shot at. Hit by a moving vehicles. And survived great falls. Hell I’ve even drown a few times. (6 to be exact). Lots of people wanted me dead. Death never really scared me. But now it does…. I’m afraid to die and I want to die at the same time.
I cant seem to feel who I am, or was, anymore. I have lost everything that made me me. I used to feel so much fire inside. Nothing could stop me. And I never gave up. It didn’t matter what the opposition was, I could beat it. But now……. I feel so empty. There is no other way to describe it. I no longer feel the fire of life. I can’t seem to recognize who the person is in the mirror. I don’t even cry anymore. I want to so badly. But it just feels blank. Like there is nothing there. I find things less fun. I don’t laugh much anymore. I am filling with hate for other people. And all I ever wanted to do was help people. I always tried to do the right thing. Why have I lost that? It strains me to even care enough now to ask.
I know I need help but honestly I think its to late. I know I’m pretty fucked up. Of course I would never let anyone see that I have problems. I know all the “warning signs” and I take great care to keep control of my actions. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I feel like I’m about to explode? I don’t know…. But, I have no money. I have nothing. I know my family well miss me but I really think they are better off without me. Maybe my death will spark the motivation in one of them to do great things. But I won’t leave them unresolved bills, funeral costs or anything like that. I will make sure there is no body. Like I said, death really doesn’t scare me. Pain never really effected me much. And quite frankly, I’m just fed up with this world.
And the funny thing is… I’m only 22 years old.