give up

  July 25th, 2008 by jpvicory

my memory escapes me from about the age of 12 and before. my mom said that i was happy.
from then until i was 22 (i am 24 now) i expected to die any day. like so many others, i hated myself, my family, and life in general. nothing ever worked out, i didn’t know who i was and even my friends’ lives were being taken all around me. I indulged in drugs and alcohol to escape feeling, cut myself when i had to, and distanced myself from any emotion. it wasn’t life.
after attempting suicide twice i went through the motions of high school (sent away from home to military boarding school) and eventually university. I met someone there, fell in love, and eventually had my heart ripped out. my feelings of insecurity and self-value plummeted back into explicit drug use. thankfully, i had enrolled in a program that would take me to africa where i planned to lose myself for good… away from anything i had ever known.
on november 13th, 06 i was attempting sleep but thinking of taking my life yet again, hoping that this time would be successful. I prayed i wouldn’t wake up if i ever fell asleep. “I don’t want to live anymore”… as soon as the words left my mouth i heard someone answer, “then why are you?”. this wasn’t like any voice i had ever heard. i knew it was the voice of God and i knew i had to answer. for the first time my life made sense to me. I had been selfish, thinking that the problems in the world revolved around me, like if i shut my eyes, the world would disappear; if i took my life, the world would go down with me. That night i made a deal with God – my life in exchange for His Spirit in me. i woke up on the 14th and everything was different. now, my life actually has a purpose and a hope.
i love talking about it, so email me if you want

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