5th grade. that early. it started in 5TH GRADE. before my story begins i must tell you. i fall very deeply in love with a woman when i love her. i go absolutely crazy for her. getting back on topic, in 4th grade i had an enormous crush on a beautiful girl. me and her hung out at school at made faces from across the room as jokes. one day over the internet she came out with her clever line”im making a survey, who do you like?” that was a beautiful moment but not exactly the best of the day. being the shy 4th grader i was i said “what kind of a question is that? noone.” she responded “really? cuz i like you.” i was breathless. without time to think (it shows, i know) i responded “really? i like you.” after that we went back and forth until she got to a dreaded question. “should we consider ourselfs friends, best friends, or more…?” i had no idea what to say. as crazy as i was for this girl i didnt want her to think i was an obsessive wierdo but i didnt want her to think i didnt care about her. i never answered the question. i started craving fridays because every friday we would get online and talk. at some point i invited her to m asfy house. that was, behind the day i found out she liked me, the best day of my life. she came and we did stuff like play our dumb computer games, bounce on my trampoline, 4th grade flirt and crap. at some point she invited me to her house. that was AMAZING. all we really did was eat and play some board game but it was still the best day ive ever had at someone elses house. later i was invited to go swimming with her. i went crazy. both good and bad i was riding with her from school to the hep apartments pool. bad thing my friends saw me but id say it was worth it to spend some extra time with her. naturally we had an incredible time and we splashed and we had fun. at some point she took off her goggles and said she had “raccoon eyes” because of those red circles you get around your eyes from wearing goggles too long. i didnt know how to respond so i just blurted “raccoons look funny” she thought i was making fun of her, not serious but a clever joke. so she splashed me a bit and i never did explain to her that i was just being random. anyways then summer came and my family forced me to go on our annual whole summer camping trip. that SUCKED. i was away from her and she was away from me for a whole summer. unbearable. so the summer ends and were back in school. me her and my best friend are at the same table, you know how elementary school works. ya so her and my friend start talking and i try to get in a bit for the next few weeks. then probably 2 or 3 months in she starts talking about how hot my friend is and how much she misses him because he was in australia at this time. this was my first moment of depression. up until then my life had been perfect but at that moment i was flipped on my ass. as months went bye i had time to think and i became more and more depressed and realized how horrifically depressing life really is. i even invited this girl to my birthday. that was a huge deal back then. ive got the date me and her told each other we liked each other written on my wall. March 3 2005. moving on to sixth grade, i realized my friends were all dicks. they rejected me and thought i was an idiot. i dont know why comfort overtook motivation. this is also when people started going out, which would officially ruin my life. i had this other girl i thought was really cool. at some point, after much self resistance, i realized i loved her. we were on different teems so it was hard to really get to know her. we rode the same bus so i talked with her a lot there and online. at some point i invited her to my birthday along with that other girl. my friends made a big deal about how if youre only going to invite girls you should just keep it all guy but at least one of the girls later stated she loved the idea although i now invite more. anyways i tried to make her feel like part of the group and join in on whatever we did and junk but she seemed uninterested in me. a few days lated in gym i notice shes doing a lot of blank thinking (different from day dreaming, i recognized it because i do it A LOT). i asked her whats going on online later and she said she think she likes my best friend. twice. i was crushed. by this point the thought of suicide had come up, but now it seemed eminent. the year continued, me depressed and lonely and everyone else social and happy. seventh grade came. this was a HUGE year. by this point i had cut myself, looked up painless ways to kill myslef, written depressing poems, talked with an online friend about it, talked with a real friend about it, and held my head under water longer than my lungs wanted me to so if the time came id be ready. first huge thing that happened in seventh grade was me, the 1st girl i liked, and 2 other really cool girls became good friends. of coarse dating started again, and people started rumors and crap like that. later in the year this new kid comes. i HATED that kid for the rest of the year even though were friends. all the girls suddenly went crazy for him. obviously his first few girlfriends were all the ones with the huge boobs and the nice asses. ya. moving on, a few friends started planning a trip to the beach for about 3 days. it would be me, the new kid, another loser that was my friend at the time, and my 3 good girl buddies. once the day came the ride there was all fun and crap and we made jokes and fun stuff happened but nothing really interesting. once we got there we unloaded which took a while, and then we went straight to the indoor pool that was fun except thats when it became obsessively obvious the 1st girl i liked, liked the new kid. so once night came we went down to the beach. my buddy was boring as hell, i was messing around with the 2 girls, and the girl and the new kid were making out. ya, they did that for a while. next day we did the exact same thing. by night they were making out again. next day we did all the same crap except night was different this time. the new guy was playing some wierd ipod game all night until he finaly stopped and came off the sofa to his sleeping bag. the girl was begging him to make out with her and crap while me and the girl i was slowly starting to realize i liked were bothering them. at some point the idea was given that theyd make out if me and the girl i liked would kiss. i didnt say anything, though inside i was screaming “dear god yes!” naturally she said no. the new guy insisted it would just be a peck but she said no. at some point the new guy finally gave in and went under a blanket to make out with her. later the next day the girl confessed she gave the guy a hand job, while his pants were still on. naturally we made a huge deal about this and she was called a whore and stuff ya. next big thing that happens as i casually realize i like the other girl is the hand job girl near the end of the year tells a few people she as a joke told this guy for his birthday she was gonna give him phone sex and send him pictures. turns out in the end she actually did. more calling her a whore and saying how disappointed in her we were. ya then summer started. that year more importantly than anything i realized how ugly i was and how i couldnt kill myself because of how it would affect my friends and family. anyways summer and nothings really happening. then one night we have this really bad storm and lose our power. i have nothing to do so i start texting everyone. everyones going to bed so i text phone sex girl. she started talking about how horny she was and how she stopped being horny when we started talking so i talked about how cruel that was and what exactly i would have to do to make her horny. she replies with “talk about how hard you are if its because of me.” so naturally i go and say talking about her being horny is getting me hard. she says is that true or are you just trying to get me even hornier? i say its true and she starts saying crap like omg i cant believe it youre actually making me horny as hell! and eventually we start having phone sex. no pictures. i still hate myself for being so damn horny i cant resist her. shes just so unbelievably hot and i dont know whats wrong with me. this isnt my depressing problem, dont worry, just a part of my story. anyways ya summer moves on and i realize i REALLY LOVE that girl i was realizing i liked. so i set up for me her and 2 buddies to go see a movie. that was yesterday. so we go to the movies ive got my big plan that im gonna slowly move my hand in towards hers and start holding hands cuz id been flirting and talking about how good she looked for a while. so ya we get there, the movies about to start, she sitting next to me, and everythings perfect. until the dick friend who im not actually friends with decideds he wants to switch seats with her. the movie sucked and i wasnt really paying attention to the actual presentation. so after that the dick left and we walked around the mall for a while. the only particularly important thing that happened there is as we were casually walking my hand and hers touched and she quickly pulled her hand away and started holding her purse. i figured she was just being shy. so ya we go home and everythings great until i get on facebook and read a wall to wall conversation im too lazy to post that tells me she likes my best friend. it doesnt say it directly but its pretty friggin obvious. that was today. thats why i looked up suicide and found this site. im miserable. if i change theyll reject me but theyre rejecting me as i am now. i cant do anything. this neglect and loneliness is making the pill drawer look so friendly. i hate how girls at my school dont give a fuck what youre like they just want you to be “hawt”. i have never had a girlfriend, never held hands with a girl, never had a first kiss, and my friend has been the target of the 3 girls ive loved the most. i dont know what im gonna do with myself. i know this was long but i have a blog where i describe whats going on in my life in shorter segments. www.xanga.com/all_yall_mammas tell me if youre reading it.