I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
My life is a complete pile of excruciating boredom. I always claim that suicide would not be part of my thinking. I’ve always thought that it is simply a stupid, pointless, self-depreciating thought. But then I started realizing how stupid and pointless my life itself is. I’ve got no direction in life. My parents used to always favor me more than my siblings because I’m more intellectual. That I’m a bit aware of. I know I’m smarter than most people I know of. I used to do well in school. I am also doing well in my work. But that’s it. I’ve never done anything I liked.
I like arts. I like writing. I feel like I have lots of creative ideas and that I am more meant for a creative profession in life. But I can’t find a way to express myself. I always run out of words. I always run out of sketches.
The worst part is, I don’t even know what I am supposed to do in life. I am meant for nothing apparent, as of now. And as fearful as it can be, I may just be meant for nothing at all my whole life. How could someone as old as me be unaware of which life he is supposed to live?
It;s funny how I used to be one of those people who raised eyebrows at the thought of suicide. It’s not that I want to commit suicide. Subconsciously, maybe. Sometimes I’m afraid to get drunk as I may commit suicide. I don’t want to do it still. But I know that a part of me wants to.
I never listen to advices. I never offer one either. People will tell us how pathetic we are for having such thoughts. They’ll tell us that life’s simply like that and everyone experiences the same scenario. So are we the weak ones? That’s all crap. They’ll never understand unless they feel it themselves.