i almost killed myself today. i was standing on the train platform, empty and so sad i just felt numb. the train appeared quickly and as it came nearer i started to think whether it was going fast enough to kill me and once i decided it was i had this really strange urge to just jump in front of it and end my life. the other people at the track faded out and all i could see was the subway lights and this massive blur coming towards me. suddenly i was calm and accutely aware that i was just a couple steps from the edge. kind of like in a dream it didn’t feel real. i didnt feel real and a part of me really wanted to jump. for a second i thought that i might. it was this sudden solution and jumping in front of the train made total sense and seemed totally reasonable. strange thing is…i want to live. i’m just in great pain all the time. i don’t even know what’s wrong. i mean what is it called when the normal period of down time or whatever turns into months and months. when i start to think that next year will be better and 4 years have passed. there are days when i think about suicide nearly all the time. it seems like dozens and dozens of thoughts at times, like i may spend my whole morning obsessed with suicide. i feel crazy. just writing this feels crazy. yet, i have a good job and live moderately well. i’m very average most would find and still i’m haunted by suicidal ideations. the days vary but on bad days i may spend the better part of my day contemplating how to kill myself. i used to hope that it would get better or that whatever was missing was right around the corner. aside from today, which i consider the closet i’ve ever come to suicide, i did go to a hardware store several times and measure chain link aroung my neck and find a suitable gauge. see, before, i had always had a plan, some list of things to do before i’d kill myself but it was never really practical. i would call my family and say good-bye, give away my things to friends and money to charity, pay all my bills, pack-up my stuff and just close up shop properly. all that did was give me a reason why i couldn’t kill myself yet at lease not without completing those tasks. but today was scary. i never felt so spontaneous about hurting myself. i had no preparations and i realized that i didn’t need them anyway. all i had to do was take a couple small steps. just about a meter or so. the edge of the platform was so close and the wind in the tunnel as the train approached was rushing so hard that you feel like your floating. that was it and it was so easy. instead i got on the train that took me to work and despite the 30 or so more thoughts that drifted in and out of my day i’m writing. i’m not really looking for help or answers. i’ve been crying in my room all night and came across this site and had to communicate with someone, anyone.
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3 comments
i feel the same way everyday and lately i feel as if has been gettin worce i found this site and ur note hit me harder then anyone could emagine i mena thats EXACTLY how i feel…
i jus hope i can keep my self strong!!
i made it threw today!
I almost killed myself today. What’s wierd is I hav a gf. A great family. I just feel empty constantly. Nothing makes me happy. Which is ironic cus most people think I’m funny and optimistic. But no matter who I meet ther all the same . All people just care abt themselves. Us who wna kill ourselves are the only people who will ever truly appreciate life and having people who care. Gudluk to u guys. It’s a terrible life
I’m so glad I have found this site and your message as it related a lot to me. I’m in complete pain, I haven’t been happy in 3 years and I have thought about dying day in day out for the past 2. Life seems so pointless. I was with a guy for over a year, he seemed to make all my problems disappear just by hugging him and seeing his face, even though we argued like hell..he use to give me this buz of excitement and fresh air and this energy of being Wild and young and happy. I can never compare this feeling to anything else I have ever experienced in my life. I was completely loved up but not in a draining way, in an exciting way, it took my breath away, everything he did, the way he smelt, the way he spoke. He was so different, so special..his hands, always made me feel safe, I felt like I do now but not as bad, because he would take the pain away from me. He was literally my knight in shining amour, I never thought he could hurt me. But I was wrong..oh boy, I was so wrong. He left me, after a year. He cut me out, changed all of his life without me in it. I couldn’t contact him, my knight in shining armour was gone. I experienced my first heartbreak. I cried for a month straight, screaming I wanted to die. I panicked day in, day out. The person I loved, with all my heart, made my problems dispear, had gone. It was awful. Over a year and a half has pasted, we tried again but it didn’t work. Do you know..I remember being 16 and me and him would stay in my room, for the whole day and I don’t think the smile would leave my face. I still picture it now, how amazing the feeling was, i wasn’t drained, we argued I admit, so much to the point we would claw one another. But..it made me feel something incredible. Now, when I’m in a room with him. I feel broke, I feel helpless, that my heart has been torn out and stepped on 10,000 times. I look at him, I feel blank. Our spark, it isn’t there and the excitement has turned into a nightmare. I’m left speechless, I stillnlove him as much as I did from day one, but one million other emotions are replaced whenever I look in his eyes, all these games, go around in my head. I can’t smile..I can’t laugh. His hands though, they make me feel safe and his cuddles remind me that he’s still there in spirit. I crumble to my knees whenever I am in his arms. He takes my strength away, he makes me feel numb and I like it for a while but I come away feeling the exact same if not worse. Last night was the one night I was the closest to ending my life..I stood on the top of the stairs and climbed onto the rails heading down towards the tracks..the only thing that stopped me was the little girl walking past, not him, not my family, nor friends. Just that little girl. I was in a state I admit, but I am always numb, ALWAYS numb. For someone to say that I have depression, it doesn’t shock me anymore. I’m kinda use to the numbness and not knowing who I am. The fact I nearly died last night, it makes me feel a little happy and excited? Am I weird? I don’t know..I know I’m not alone, but boy do I feel like it.