self inflicted

the easiest way to deal with my pain is inflicting pain. i slam my head against walls, get into fights, cut myself, burn myself. it gives me an outlet. its a tangible pain, its physical, and visual. and it makes all the pain i feel inside numb. everything bad i feel is absorbed by the physical pain, and i get to feel alive for a little while. everything i don’t want to feel drips out my viens with my blood. everything i’m afraid of, everything that makes me sad or angry. it makes it a little bit easier to deal with all the death and the hate and the lies. and i almost wish someone would notice. how can you work next to me all day and not notice the cuts on my arms so fresh their still bleeding. how do you not notice me burning myself with matches as i sit in front of you, as i talk to you. i come home with a black eye and my knuckles are scraped up and bleeding. how come you can’t see me. i do everything you tell me to, and you can’t ask me what wrong.