I have never been good at these things so I will just type what I feel. Alot of people will sit there and say that they want to die, and they are unhappy and they want it to end…I want to die because I hate myself completely, I dispise the fact I am breathing right now. Im 28 years old, not very old, not very young, kinda in the middle of my life and I am ready to die.
My whole life has just been wrong, I was not even 2 when my father left my mother. She was torn up about it and never let me live it down, I was the third little monster in her life an I always felt like she never loved me. Most of my life was ruled and controled by her an her now husband who never wanted me around. It always felt like he just wanted me out of the picture and that kind of hurt turned into anger and rage in my teens.
My teenage years were a nightmare to me, I had no friends, nobody to talk to and I was always alone, or in my head in a fantasy world because it was alway where I felt safe because it was my world I made for myself and it gave me comfort. If i was late being at my house I woul get yelled at, if I got in trouble at school I would get thrown into a wall, if I spoke out of turn I would get thrashed, my mother just sat back and did nothing about it, or she would jump on his side. I felt alone before i even knew what the feeling was. When I was 18 I chose the wrong friends and got sent to prison for 2 years because of a stupid choice I made and I never can live that down either, nor am I ever allowed to forget it either because my step father loves to throw that in my face, telling me how much it hurt him, or how everything in his life is my fault and this is why he drinks, because everything is my fault.
I met a girl a few years ago and got married to her, a woman who had more control issues than anyone else i have ever met, it was fun at first untill i fell into depression and was unable to even talk to her because she just over reacted to everything and everything became about her. I couldnt talk to her about anything because talking to her just didnt work, so I began to talk to women online because I just couldnt communicate anything to her. I woke up one morning and I was getting married on how she chose it to be. The next week she was pregnant with my son when i told her i was not ready for kids right away again since I already had a 3 year old I barely saw to begin with. I have never been good with children, mainly because of how i was brought up. Im in the proces of a divorce now because my ex wife is scared to death of me and now i am back at my parents house, watching my step father drink himself to death, my mother still ignoring everything and both of them having their control issues on me again like I am 16 years old…..again.
I am ready to die now, more than likely I will try again tonight and fail, and thats going to add to my depression because I am unable to do it, or if I get lucky I will do it and finally just sleep and not have to hear the insanity again, the yelling, the selfishness of everyone, it will be quiet, and maybe i will be happy.
6 comments
1. If you’re dead, you’re not happy. But you don’t have feelings so you don’t have to be happy! That thought comforts me…
2. Seems like you really need to get away from your mom and stepdad.
3. The whole jail thing really sucks cause you have no way of taking it back, i have no advise on that other then don’t give anyone a reason on why you should have ever been there (AKA, be as angelic as you can get without losing your personality)
4. Sounds like the girl was the one with the problems, not you. If you try, you might be able to find love again, but you don’t have to.
5. Try to find a friend. Make a really good friend. Sometimes they’re better then girlfriends/boyfriends.
6. There has to be a reason why you are failing at killing yourself.
1. If you’re dead, you’re not happy. But you don’t have feelings so you don’t have to be happy! That thought comforts me…
-Yea its kinda hard not to think about it when its put into that perspective
2. Seems like you really need to get away from your mom and stepdad.
-New jersey is the black hole of America….its impossible to leave this place, no matter how hard you try, you always get sucked back in..
3. The whole jail thing really sucks cause you have no way of taking it back, i have no advise on that other then don’t give anyone a reason on why you should have ever been there (AKA, be as angelic as you can get without losing your personality)
-Its been well over 10 years since it happened, the fucking drunk prick won’t let it die
4. Sounds like the girl was the one with the problems, not you. If you try, you might be able to find love again, but you don’t have to.
– I believe in the zodiac strongly, i will find someone one day that gets me, she just fucked my head up badly
5. Try to find a friend. Make a really good friend. Sometimes they’re better then girlfriends/boyfriends.
Most of my friends are not speaking to me because my ex wife didnt like them and i got rid of alot of them for her….stupid mistake that was
6. There has to be a reason why you are failing at killing yours
– Yea I got several thoughts on that one as well.
I am with the post above. Man, I walked that road. Jail, drugs, the whole bit. Why? I am bipolar. Five or six suicide attempts. A mistake that landed my little brother in the GRAVE! I cannot take that back. For today, I WILL find one reason to live and I think it is the way my youngest says “daddy”. Leave the people, their problems are theirs, they should own them. Don’t accept that garbage. Take one step at a time away from these people. As for your wife, she really may not know how to respond to your situation. Have you looked any of your symptoms up on the Net? Just for a start. I’m not a professional, but you may have a chemical imbalance. They generally kick in and reek havoc at puberty. Just check it out before tonight. Find a survey or something.
Man I really felt your message, I really felt as If someone had ANY idea what I feel and what it feels like to be alone, and to feel as if you can’t even reach out in a crowded hallway and touch someone. I really hope that you’re still alive, and I really hope there’s even ONE thing you have to live for. If you’re still alive, it’ll give me hope… Hope to know that it Will be okay, and that I can get past anything that stands in my way. I really hope you didn’t succeed in taking your life, I’ve tried time and time again, and for a while I felt glad I didn’t succeed but now I feel like a failure for not making it. I’m not asking you to hold my hand and help me through this, I’m just asking to keep trying. If not for yourself, then for me. For hope for others. Please, and thank you.
StoneCold, I have felt trapped inside of my own mind for so long. And yes, I felt desperately lonely and distressed. Right then, at that moment in time, I could not see past the nose on my face, but such is the nature of my illness. You can get through anythink that stands in your way, and I will be glad to help you or listen
Hi
I am 20 years old and i am not going to tell you how i feel because everyone reacts to things differently, they can say they know what you are feeling but they don’t. People can go through the same things as you physically, but emotionally everyone is on their own. I have wanted to kill myself from the time i knew about death, which was round about 7 or 8 years old. i met my father once when i was about 5 years old, then i never saw him again until last year when he called me and asked me to pick him up from my grandmothers house. obviously i was very happy and rushed off right away to pick up my father who i had not seen in 15 years. well when i saw him he looked like an old drunk dirty tramp, but that didn’t bother me, what really hurt me was he’s first words were ” so i hear you are doing quite well for yourself, do you mind lending me R50.00 and dropping me off at the liquor store” well i did what he said because i couldn’t wait to get away from him, i was actually frightened by my own father. when i was 5 i also moved in with my grandparent because my step father use to lash me and call me a bastard child, and my mother use to tell me how she regrets having me and what a mistake it was. i loved my grandparents and never wanted to go back to my mother. when i was in grade 12 my grandfather did not want me to go to my farewell as i was not allowed to leave the house ever because they were very strict, so i moved out of the house and in with my boyfriend. we dated for 2 years and then he broke my heart, i had just finished grade 12 and started my 1st month of work, when i got home he had cleaned the whole house out and left me stranded with no were to go….i struggled staying with friends going from place to place. then i met my ex boyfriend, he was the best thing that ever happened to me, so we dated and had a baby together, everything was well until 6months ago when he left me……losing him was losing everything, i still in love with him and he wants nothing more to do with me, i want to end my life so badly as i hate waking up in the mornings……there is only one reason i am alive now and that is for my precious 1 year old son, i believe he is an angel sent from God, as if it wasn’t for him i wouldn’t be here right now. i do know that you feel hopeless as if you were put on this earth to suffer, but God has a purpose for each and every one of us…..