I have never been good at these things so I will just type what I feel. Alot of people will sit there and say that they want to die, and they are unhappy and they want it to end…I want to die because I hate myself completely, I dispise the fact I am breathing right now. Im 28 years old, not very old, not very young, kinda in the middle of my life and I am ready to die.
My whole life has just been wrong, I was not even 2 when my father left my mother. She was torn up about it and never let me live it down, I was the third little monster in her life an I always felt like she never loved me. Most of my life was ruled and controled by her an her now husband who never wanted me around. It always felt like he just wanted me out of the picture and that kind of hurt turned into anger and rage in my teens.
My teenage years were a nightmare to me, I had no friends, nobody to talk to and I was always alone, or in my head in a fantasy world because it was alway where I felt safe because it was my world I made for myself and it gave me comfort. If i was late being at my house I woul get yelled at, if I got in trouble at school I would get thrown into a wall, if I spoke out of turn I would get thrashed, my mother just sat back and did nothing about it, or she would jump on his side. I felt alone before i even knew what the feeling was. When I was 18 I chose the wrong friends and got sent to prison for 2 years because of a stupid choice I made and I never can live that down either, nor am I ever allowed to forget it either because my step father loves to throw that in my face, telling me how much it hurt him, or how everything in his life is my fault and this is why he drinks, because everything is my fault.
I met a girl a few years ago and got married to her, a woman who had more control issues than anyone else i have ever met, it was fun at first untill i fell into depression and was unable to even talk to her because she just over reacted to everything and everything became about her. I couldnt talk to her about anything because talking to her just didnt work, so I began to talk to women online because I just couldnt communicate anything to her. I woke up one morning and I was getting married on how she chose it to be. The next week she was pregnant with my son when i told her i was not ready for kids right away again since I already had a 3 year old I barely saw to begin with. I have never been good with children, mainly because of how i was brought up. Im in the proces of a divorce now because my ex wife is scared to death of me and now i am back at my parents house, watching my step father drink himself to death, my mother still ignoring everything and both of them having their control issues on me again like I am 16 years old…..again.
I am ready to die now, more than likely I will try again tonight and fail, and thats going to add to my depression because I am unable to do it, or if I get lucky I will do it and finally just sleep and not have to hear the insanity again, the yelling, the selfishness of everyone, it will be quiet, and maybe i will be happy.