I suppose I’ll start with a little about me. I am 18 years old, am about 6ft tall and weigh roughly 260 lbs (FAT). Lately I have been having serious thoughts of suicide. I have been wondering whether or not it would just be better for me to kill myself. It feels like most of the friends I’ve met here at college are done with me. They seldom talk to me unless I’m standing right there and even then it feels like it’s forced. My friends mean the world to me. Even the slightest thought of them not wanting to have anything to do with me puts me in an almost unbearable pain. I know some people are reading this and thinking that that’s pathetic, other people are worse off, etc. etc. Well let me just say that you are absolutely right. Those people are not only worse off but far stronger than I am as a human being. I stumbled accross this website looking for answers to my problems (no luck).
Now the story; I met my friends down here last September when the fall quarter at my University started. I was nervous but felt like I could handle the increased workload and the thought of a ‘tabula rasa’ was beautiful. I quickly met people here that I felt like I would get along great with. We found a regular haunt and would spend many evenings doing those things that college kids do. Life felt great at the time. Enter winter quarter. One of my girl friends down here introduced me to her good friend. For all intensive purposes I’ll call her ‘J’. Anyways, I took a liking to J very quickly. She was beautiful, smart, funny and all those other cliches that you can think of. We hit it off great. We would meet at our haunt with the whole group and just talk for hours almost every night of the week. This girl was amazing. We didn’t get truly close (at least I thought) until spring quarter here. The start of which could have been better. I got back ready and eager to beging my new quarter with my friends. I chose a lighter workload so that we might be able to spend a little more time together.
Things started off with one of my ‘good friends’ getting pissed off at me and J and refused to tell us why. I should point out that I am a sensitive person (years of bullying due to my size and general appearance have made me overly sensitive) with a very weak stomach that can get physically sick if I am stressed, worried, anxious (basically any emotions along those lines). The more intense the emotion the more intense the illness. As aforementioned, my friends meant the world to me and so when my friend was mad at me I got horribly sick. I was vomiting and had body aches, the whole she-bang. I had to miss class for a day and a half too. It was horrible. During this time J comforted me. She didn’t judge me or laugh at me like so many others did when they learned of my condition (many people just called me a ***** and told me to man up. Like I can help it). She was absolutely amazing. We began talking all the time. From sunrise till the next sunrise we were talking. We’d meet up, just the two of us and just spend time together. I can honestly not think of a better time in my life. My other friend had finally stopped being mad at me too. I was closer to J and my friends weren’t mad at me. Life was nigh perfect.
Concerning J; the only reason I hadn’t asked her out was due her being in a relationship. Still, it didn’t change the fact that I truly cared for her. I should point out that I have not been successful in relationships, whatsoever. No girlfriends throughout high school. Needless to say that I am still a virgin. In fact the only kiss from a girl was my goodbye kiss to my date after homecoming. Anyways, I noticed lately that things started changing between us and there wasn’t even a catalyst. At least not that I see when I look back. She started talking to me less….and talking more to one of my other ‘good friends’ down here. The guy is good looking, smart, funny and kind to boot. Now, I had not resigned myself to defeat but it was obvious where she was leaning. Slowly but surely, our talking stopped altogether, except when she needs something of course. My other friends kind of just fell out of talking to me too. Lately I just don’t know what to do. I’ve dealt with a fair share of rejection in my life. So much so that I have just about given up hope of finding someone to love me. In truth that’s all I really want. I just want to find someone who can love me unconditionally, but every person I find that I feel I could love just brushed me off their shoulder like I don’t even matter. After a while you kind of start to feel like you don’t matter. Lately, my academic performance has been slipping, feelings with my friends drifting further and further apart. Despite all that one thing hasn’t changed…I still love J. I can’t help it. Everytime I see her I just want to hug her and tell her how much I love her. Even more than that I want her to hug me back and say she feels the same. I would give up so much just to hear those words from her. I want to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid of what the potential (and almost certain) rejection would do to me. The more I think about her turning me down the more I see myself killing myself. I can’t tell my family, they would worry too much and I would feel like trash for doing that to them. I can’t tell my ‘friends’ because they probably don’t even care in the first place. I don’t know what to do. I know people say that suicide isn’t the answer but how do they know? I don’t believe in God or Jesus or any of that. The only thing stopping me from killing myself right now is my family. I feel like I couldn’t put them through that but… I honestly don’t know if this keeps up.
4 comments
come to my web sight http://lovedbynonehatedbymanny.webs.com/ we are still smal but im prity shur we can help. thing to remeber about this j. most of the time you dont relise you love some untill you come close to losing thim. i resently olmost lost my best friend becaus a friend of ours died. as i was standing in the hospital wating to see if he wold live i relised i love him. im only 15 but i have lost every thing and losing your friends is the worst. him and i are finly at peace with waht is around us. but befor he olmost died i went out with an nothe rguy that now i relis just wanted to get in my pants.
relly this is just a long way of saying if you know you love them go for it. if it dont work dont giv up. if your frinds giv up on you find new ones. go sit with people.
I can’t just give up on my friends. I still love them, dearly. I just can’t take it anymore. I just want it to be over. I hate feeling this way and I hate being a burden to so many I care about. I just want to be done.
Ryuu,
Bless your heart. I empathize with you tremendously and know what rejection is like. (Even if I only know a fraction of what you’re going through.)
From reading your story I can tell you are a gifted writer. And it would be awful to lose an articulate and educated writer. We, as a world, need people who can write, and use grammar correctly.
You’ve expressed yourself so well with just this one story. Have you considered writing more? Perhaps writing fiction? Non-fiction? Write and tell us more about your life, or better yet get lost in writing a novel, a short-story, a screen-play, log a journal or diary. Even if you don’t finish a story or project it can still make you feel better and get your mind off of “J.”
Needless to say, I’ve had a similar situation, I know how devastating it is to be rejected or just to think about rejection.
I’m not saying you should deny yourself these feelings by substituting them with writing. Use your writing as a tool to help you cope.
Furthermore, depending on where you live, have you tried cannabis? Yes, I know, it’s illicit, in some places but just a small amount will help. Anytime you feel you’re “on the edge” toke it up! There’s more to life than rejection or waiting for rejection, and more to life when you’ve had some THC. For some reason the chemical structure of cannabis helps the brain to slow down and decreases the thoughts of suicide.
Of course, I advise writing and expressing yourself, before toking. “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
I know how you feel, i’ve always been a bigger girl untill just recently because i got depressed and stopped eating all together..most of my life i have been made fun of and i’ve never really had any friends. One of my best friends name was Joey and he did the exact same thing J did. Just recently my boyfriend killed himself…he came over to my house at 1 am and shot himself in my drive way. Right now i am in tears because i know exactly what you feel like and it hurts. You can email me whenever you feel like talking at kaylawells450@yahoo.com ….i try to get on as much as i can and im serious, if you ever need to talk just email me. I hope you get to feeling better and meet some new friends that are true. Its hard to find good friends and i don’t have any either. the only person i have is my boyfriend….seriousy email me if you need to talk. anytime.