My love

  April 23rd, 2009 by Ryuu

I suppose I’ll start with a little about me. I am 18 years old, am about 6ft tall and weigh roughly 260 lbs (FAT). Lately I have been having serious thoughts of suicide. I have been wondering whether or not it would just be better for me to kill myself. It feels like most of the friends I’ve met here at college are done with me. They seldom talk to me unless I’m standing right there and even then it feels like it’s forced. My friends mean the world to me. Even the slightest thought of them not wanting to have anything to do with me puts me in an almost unbearable pain. I know some people are reading this and thinking that that’s pathetic, other people are worse off, etc. etc. Well let me just say that you are absolutely right. Those people are not only worse off but far stronger than I am as a human being. I stumbled accross this website looking for answers to my problems (no luck).

Now the story; I met my friends down here last September when the fall quarter at my University started. I was nervous but felt like I could handle the increased workload and the thought of a ‘tabula rasa’ was beautiful. I quickly met people here that I felt like I would get along great with. We found a regular haunt and would spend many evenings doing those things that college kids do. Life felt great at the time. Enter winter quarter. One of my girl friends down here introduced me to her good friend. For all intensive purposes I’ll call her ‘J’. Anyways, I took a liking to J very quickly.  She was beautiful, smart, funny and all those other cliches that you can think of. We hit it off great. We would meet at our haunt with the whole group and just talk for hours almost every night of the week. This girl was amazing. We didn’t get truly close (at least I thought) until spring quarter here. The start of which could have been better. I got back ready and eager to beging my new quarter with my friends. I chose a lighter workload so that we might be able to spend a little more time together.

Things started off with one of my ‘good friends’ getting pissed off at me and J and refused to tell us why. I should point out that I am a sensitive person (years of bullying due to my size and general appearance have made me overly sensitive) with a very weak stomach that can get physically sick if I am stressed, worried, anxious (basically any emotions along those lines). The more intense the emotion the more intense the illness. As aforementioned, my friends meant the world to me and so when my friend was mad at me I got horribly sick. I was vomiting and had body aches, the whole she-bang. I had to miss class for a day and a half too. It was horrible. During this time J comforted me. She didn’t judge me or laugh at me like so many others did when they learned of my condition (many people just called me a ***** and told me to man up. Like I can help it). She was absolutely amazing. We began talking all the time. From sunrise till the next sunrise we were talking. We’d meet up, just the two of us and just spend time together. I can honestly not think of a better time in my life. My other friend had finally stopped being mad at me too. I was closer to J and my friends weren’t mad at me. Life was nigh perfect.

Concerning J; the only reason I hadn’t asked her out was due her being in a relationship. Still, it didn’t change the fact that I truly cared for her. I should point out that I have not been successful in relationships, whatsoever. No girlfriends throughout high school. Needless to say that I am still a virgin. In fact the only kiss from a girl was my goodbye kiss to my date after homecoming. Anyways, I noticed lately that things started changing between us and there wasn’t even a catalyst. At least not that I see when I look back. She started talking to me less….and talking more to one of my other ‘good friends’ down here. The guy is good looking, smart, funny and kind to boot. Now, I had not resigned myself to defeat but it was obvious where she was leaning. Slowly but surely, our talking stopped altogether, except when she needs something of course. My other friends kind of just fell out of talking to me too. Lately I just don’t know what to do. I’ve dealt with a fair share of rejection in my life. So much so that I have just about given up hope of finding someone to love me. In truth that’s all I really want. I just want to find someone who can love me unconditionally, but every person I find that I feel I could love just brushed me off their shoulder like I don’t even matter. After a while you kind of start to feel like you don’t matter. Lately, my academic performance has been slipping, feelings with my friends drifting further and further apart. Despite all that one thing hasn’t changed…I still love J. I can’t help it. Everytime I see her I just want to hug her and tell her how much I love her. Even more than that I want her to hug me back and say she feels the same. I would give up so much just to hear those words from her. I want to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid of what the potential (and almost certain) rejection would do to me. The more I think about her turning me down the more I see myself killing myself. I can’t tell my family, they would worry too much and I would feel like trash for doing that to them. I can’t tell my ‘friends’ because they probably don’t even care in the first place. I don’t know what to do. I know people say that suicide isn’t the answer but how do they know? I don’t believe in God or Jesus or any of that. The only thing stopping me from killing myself right now is my family. I feel like I couldn’t put them through that but… I honestly don’t know if this keeps up.

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