Hi Guys,
I have been thinking of killing myself every single day for the past 4 years…since the love of my life killed himself. We are all drawn here, I think, by the fact that we are deep down hoping that somehow we will find a way to keep from giving up. And….I think that we all care about each other in a weird way, and share in kinship of sorts. I have 3 kids, and it has only been because of them that I have managed to hang on by a thread. But even though I know how much I would destroy their lives, its feels almost impossible sometimes to keep fighting off the urge to just BE DONE!!! I read what youguys are feeling, and hurt for each of you – right along with myself. I have no great advice right now other than to tell you to just PLEASE give things another day. All of us are dealing with some really shitty, painful things. Sometimes meds help for a while, sometimes they seem to make things worse…..hard to find what’s right for your OWN body/mind…..therapy helps – sometimes – and sometimes it make you think, “Why the fuck did I waste my time coming here and spilling my guts….you don’t understand a fucking thing I’ve said!!”. But, what I CAN tell youguys is that there ARE people who care about your pain and are pulling for you. I care, and all I know about you is what you’ve written here. But maybe it’s only people like us who can help each other, because we know what it feels like. PLEASE just give things another day (and hopefully one more, one more, one more, etc.) because I know for a fact that our bodies, minds, and hearts can play some seriously cruel tricks on us. Maybe it has alot to do with the literal chemistry flip flopping in our brains, but I am starting to realize that one day, hour, or even minute things things can seem completely pointless and impossible to fix or heal from, and then, somehow your perspective or heart can change on a dime and it seems like things maybe things will be okay…..please just give it another day….I will if you will.
9 comments
I am in the same position.I have 4 kids and i have been thinking about killing myself these past days.I had a good job and i have 2 masters degree, but i have lost it all.i lost so much i thought about ending it all,but one person is stopping me from me doing this.Its my 3 year old son who talks to me alot and give me support i need.I don’t talk about ending my life,but he encourage me to live on.Its always the moment i feel down he say the most uplifting things to me.I was reading your posting and i will give it one more day.Maybe more day will bring the light into my life that i need to put my life in order the way it was before.I am sorry to what happened to your spouse,but if you keep going then i will keep going.I hope that you will respond to this post.
Every day when i wake up i say to myself this will be the day my life will turn around for the good not for the worst.I will keep going until something good happens.i will not quit yet,but on the edge….
Hi there, the hardships, loneliness and responsibilities on your shoulders of being a single parent is beyond the imagination of most of us. I am only 24 and far from being a parent, but though I don’t know what you’re going through specifically, somewhere inside I know the despair that you feel, for as you eloquently put it, we are all drawn here for about the same reasons. I don’t know why ur partner killed himself, but I hope that you stop blaming yourself for it; it was probably unpreventable, and even if it was, probably inevitable because everyone was stretched to their limits. And while you stay tough for your children’s sakes, it will be better for everyone involved that you share ur burden with ur children if possible, for they are counting on Mummy to be strong enough to pull THEM through, and will likely do what they can to help you. They might even surpise u with the strength that they have inside. I’m sorry for assuming so much or wrongly, but I’m doing the best I can with the little that u wrote here. I hope that you’ll hang on, and I applaud ur mental toughness, because at the very least, it brings inspiration to the rest of us who are all in danger of slipping away…
my email address is tsorenson2@yahoo.com
Thank you both for your comments. I only found this site 2 days ago, but it blows me away that there are so many people struggling with the same profound sadness. It’s sad but also strangely comforting. RLT, that was kind of you to take the time to say such encouraging things. Maybe I could tie what you said in with Thomas’…It’s interesting how we can give words of encouragement to others, but find it much harder to be kind to ourselves. Thomas: Listen to your little guy! Mine was 3 when his father died. The biggest reason my husband killed himself was due to feeling like he had “failed” us, and that we would be better off without him. I COMPLETELY understand the way he felt because I NOW feel exactly the same way he was feeling…..feeling like I have failed my children miserably in my pathetic ability to cope with the aftermath of husband’s suicide, and subsequent inability to keep our lives from going down the proverbial toilet. So, when I am at the very end of the tiniest thread of my “rope”, I try to remind myself that my kids would rather have lived in a tent with their dad alive – than in a palace without him. Dead is dead is dead is dead. I have slipped up during some of my big meltdown moments and inferred (to my kids) that I might not be able to keep going, or that they deserve better than me. They cry the most sincere, gutwrenching cries, and hold on to me so tight. I tell them I can’t live with seeing how I’ve let them down and they’ve only had half a mom for so long. They say such sweet things about how I am the one and only Mom they’ll ever want or need, and they don’t care about anything as long as they have me…… and it pulls me back from the ledge just a while longer. So, Thomas, imagine your kids after they’ve had to live 4 years with Daddy dead. No Daddy to hug at Christmas, or to help them learn to throw a baseball, or when they get scared at night (for about a year, our son would wake up and cry, “Want Daddy”, not realizing he was dead and not there to comfort him). I don’t know what you mean when you say you’ve lost everything. To some that means their stock portfolio, but to others it is both arms and legs! But play it out in your mind. Picture each of your kids and how they would fill in the blank, “I’d rather go my whole life without — or — if I could just have my Dad back!”. Just think about it for a while, okay??
Allow me, to offer a possible reality if u both give up: I don’t know about Thomas, but Indigo is a single parent. They will become orphans; unloved, uncared, unguided, absolutely terrified, and on top of that, have to fend for themselves. We all know how cruel the inside of schools can be, even more so the world outside; u are after all living it now. If u can’t make it, are they, shoulders so young, expected to? Not to mention the effects of the death of a loved one by suicide, will we see ur children writing here 10 years down the road? Thomas, u know the feeling… and it do affect even the most stoic.
The fact is ur children can see, better than any of us behind a computer can, the hardships u’ve been through from ur faces. They love u and appreciate u for going through so much for them and/or just for who u are to them; what u wrote here comfirms this to be true. There is no need for shame, for u are doing the best u can. So what if u can’t give them good and they have to grow up a little faster? Chances are they will become better people out of it rather than some “prince” or “princess” who always had it good in their lives and think “they’re all that”. And there is no need for guilt. The proof being however bad it is now, imagine if u live after death, the guilt u feel now will be nothing compared to the guilt u will have, when u see what ur children will become without u.
For Thomas: Perhaps this is the first time u have fallen so hard, or not. The fact is u have 2 Masters, and they, the keys u need to bounce back, are not only better than what most people have, they also can never be taken away from u. Another fact is the economy is shit now, but it WILL eventually turn. It always does… unless ur country is Isreal or something and it gets conquered, which I doubt it. In the mean time, it is totally understandable to get angry, so take some time to unwind and be so. And when u’re done and ready, slowly stand up again.
There’s no need to suffer alone, and at the very least, chances are this website will still be here by the time u come back. 🙂
You are a very strong and admirable woman. Probably more than you realize. I’m certain you realize that you’re little ones would be better off with none other than you. No matter what, you are their mother and they will always need you! And because of that you must always talk yourself out of making the biggest mistake of your life, god what a rough rollercoaster you’re on. I commend you so much for being so brave and honest with your kids, it probably helps so much because children are very smart and can sense things even when we don’t realize and I bet they appreciate your honesty. I wish i could wrap up a heartfelt hug and send it to you exress! You are now and will forever be a necessary and very needed integral part of this world and I hope that this can help you in any small way to never forget it.
indigolily,TheRoadLessTaken and eveyone else,
I have been thru a lot of challenges in my life.I have learned to deal with challenges that come up and hit me straight on,but sometime i want to throw it all away and quit,but i know i cannot do that,because of my family.I do not have any financial support from my wife,which refused to work and help me with raising 4 of my kids together.That just financially,but everything else she does help out.I am in california and when was in trouble then i was in trouble because of my job and of course i lost my job due to the economy.Having 2 masters degrees is not bad for a high school drop out,but i learn to bounce back and get back on my feet as usual,but i am hanging on to the edge like most people are in this day and age.I do appreciate the word of advice and encouragement.It really has help me to get to the next day.
I usually don’t think about suicide,but lately it has crept up on me and crossed my mind,because i have lost everything.i will keep going as long as the lady who lost her husband will go on.Thank you everyone for the advice and have a great day. i will try myself if everyone else will try? email me if you want to share private chats.i am open to anyone who wants to talk and i will listen.
Thank you RLT, Joy, & Thomas. It fanscinates me to no end, the level of compassion and concern that so many good people bring here. So many such kind and wise people, who seem to FEEL so much for others. Your words have helped….just as I am once again seriously feeling like giving up the fight…….then log on to find this support. Thomas, you made me cry. I guess you were talking about me. If not, then l’ll just pretend….because it’s a good agreement. As probably with all who have come here, I am reluctant to say too many specific things for fear of losing anonimity – we all need a place to just ‘let go’ and ‘let it out’ and put down that heavy damn mask of FAKENESS that we apparently all identify with here. So, whether to go private with emails or for us to all hash out our feelings on here is the dilemma. I think it’s so good, and so helpful to read that we are by a long shot NOT ALONE. And, that even though the specifics of our situations may be different, there are so many similarities. Even with some of the younger teens and pre-teens who are struggling with horrific pain, I’m thinking maybe something that is said in reading this stuff may help them. Maybe to know that being a ‘grown-up’ doesn’t mean we don’t still feel very scared and overwhelmed. I’m going to put this out there with hope it will ring true to somebody. I actually checked myself into the ‘looney bin’ after the death of the second dear love. Can’t say that it helped much, but the one thing that really struck me was this: each day as we sat in group therapy, going around the room, not one of us could say one positive thing about ourselves. Yet, the rest of the group could always point out great and beautiful qualities in the others. Be good to yourselves.
indigolily
i hope things are getting better for you.Just hang in there.Everyday people struggle with different things on a daily basis.For me i am hanging in there as long as i can.For the person who sent me an email i reponded to your email and i will wait for your response,but indigolily i have lost someone long ago and back then i wanted to commit suicide to be with my love on,but i found something to help me.i buried myself on the job that i had to take things away from me.Now i dont know.Send me an email if you want to chat.
thomas