Mental Mishap

Yesterday, I went to school and my girlfriend came home with me. You see, we’re a lesbian couple and we go to an LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning} youth group together every Thursday. Anyway, so we went to group yesterday. Group was alright until the unusual topic of rape and sexual assault came up into conversation. I started to get really, really upset and uncomfortable, so I had to leave. I went outside on the porch. A couple of seconds later Erica, the groups consular/supervisor, came out to talk to me. You see, she didn’t know about my sexual assault/rape and beating afterwards from my cousin. I didn’t answer for a minuet or so, since the vision of him raping me came into view again. Then I finally spoke. I told her that he’d raped me but 2 weeks before he raped me he’d sexually assaulted me. I told her that I hadn’t been given “the talk” yet. Since my aunt thought I didn’t need it.  I told her that I hate being around him. That I’m afraid that he’s going to hurt me again. I told her that he’d beaten me when he found out I was a lesbian. I told her that my aunt said it was “impossible” to keep him away from me. She, Erica, thought was a bull-shit. I told her that I’ve told my family about what he’d done AND how I feel around him. And yet I still see him, against my will. I told her the sexual assault/rape happened last June and the beating had happened last November. I told her that my aunt had filed a report with the police about my rape, and they did nothing. After listening for about 10 minuets or so, she said that I can still file a report, since it’s not to late. She said that I should tell my aunt that I don’t want to see him anymore. She told me that, since my cousin had confessed to raping and beating me after sometime of lying about it, that he can and may do it again. I told her that I knew that. And that that’s the reason why I don’t want to see him. She also told me that she and Kelly, the other group’s consular/supervisor, can take me to the rape-crisis center in Utica sometime. I told her I’d think about it. So, I went back inside and about…..15 minuets later group was over. So, my girlfriend went home after group and I went home as well. Then when I was in bed, my girlfriend texted me:                  GF – girlfriend              M – me

GF: I love you

M: Do you?

GF: Of course I do!! I love you more than anything. Why do you question it?

M: Cause sometimes I don’t believe you…….and I’m not sure if I love you back. I mean, I probably do, but maybe………I’m. Just. Confused. And tonight made me remember……..

GF: Why do you not believe me?

M: Cause I hate myself. You don’t deserve me.

GF: I LOVE YOU!! Hannah, I always will. Even if what your saying scares me.

M: I know.

10 minuets go by and she doesn’t respond.

M: I’m sorry if I’d hurt you.

GF: You did 🙁

M: I’m sorry. But I had to tell you the truth.

M: I’ve got to go. Good night.

GF: Wait!! Can you explain everything you’ve just said. And are you saying that you don’t love me?

M: No. I said that I wasn’t SURE if I love you. I probably do and just haven’t realized………….you know what. Never mind. Just forget all I’ve told you…….

GF: Ok. Love you. Night.

Then after that I had a mental breakdown. Knowing that what I’d just said might have have done to her. I slept like……….3 hours last night. I normally sleep like 4 each and every night. By the way, I’d told my girlfriend that I was depressed and suicidal like…..4 days ago. Even though we’ve been dating for like…………3-4 months. Then I got up the next day (Friday) and got dressed and stuff. My girlfriend and I didn’t get to talk until the end of the day. At the end of the day I realized on the bus that she wasn’t talking. At all. I asked her what was wrong. She didn’t replay. When I got home I went on QA (queerattitude.com) and typed about what had happened last night in my blog. Then about a half an hour ago, I decided to call her. I told her that I was sorry about last night and that I wanted to see her this weekend. She said that it was OK and that she’d be happy to see me. I also asked her why she was not talking earlier. She said she wasn’t feeling well. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. And we hung up. Then maybe 15 minuets later she texted me:

GF: I read your blog.

M: Oh………….

GF: I don’t hate you!! I love you. I now realize that you need me now more than ever. And I’ll never leave you. I’m right here with you, babe!!

M: Thanks. Um, can we talk about this tomorrow.

GF: If you want to….

M: I’m not to sure if I want to. But I’ll think about it. Bye

GF: Bye.

So, I guess she never left like I’d thought she did. But, the thing that’s bothering is that I still, for some really, really weird reason, don’t believe her. I mean, I don’t think she really loves me. Nor do I think that she’s “right here with me”. I mean, I don’t have proof. But, it’s just how I feel. I think it’s because of my extremely-low-to-none self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-concept. I, actually, have none of those three, like at all. And before you ask, I don’t hate myself because of my sexual orientation. That is really the only thing I’m proud of, I guess. I, also would like to say, that I’d told my best friend (besides my girlfriend) that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep dating her. Because like what if I committed suicide or if I did something else stupid. Or what if I told her how I really felt and it hurt her. My best friend told me to let her down easy and that she understood how I felt. I, of course, still haven’t broken up with her. I just don’t have the heart to. I know that if I do, it will break her heart. But, I think that loosing your girlfriend to suicide if far worse than loosing her because she broke up with you. This is going to take me hours and hours to explain……………. I don’t know. I’m just confused, frustrated, depressed, and I just wanna die!!!

Note: sorry if this was completely unnecessary and that there was probably no need for me to tell you what had happened. But, I just needed to get it off my back.