I’m Not Sure How This Ends

So I updated my team mates and advisor that I didn’t hit my deadline. He didn’t say much but said that my design probably wouldn’t work. I’m not really sure what to expect anymore. It seems like every turn I make I end up just face planting. I never think things through. I wish I did but I never do. I really don’t know how this is supposed to end. Wish I did, but I don’t. Presenting on Tuesday. That’s going to be extra fucking painful. Don’t know why I bother. Recently I told a few of my lab mates about my Amazon deal. It was casual conversation but somehow it came up. Maybe I wanted to tell someone. I don’t know. They seemed impressed. I wasn’t. I imagine that the others don’t really think anything of me, if at all. I just wish I felt better about all this. I don’t though. I think my advisor is getting wise. Was bound to happen sooner or later. Today I spent like 4 and a half hours staring blankly at a wall as my teammates for my semester project worked. Contributed absolutely zilch. Just didn’t feel like it this time around. I’m sure when it comes time to do team member evaluations I’ll get an F. Kind of deserve it. Towards the end my mind wandered towards her. This was the first time in a while where I had the strongest urge to text her. Just to say hi. I know how it would’ve ended if I did. Just more radio silence. Tired of the silence. Didn’t end up doing it. But I really thought about it. I’m very tired. Of it all. Whatever happens, I just hope I can get through it.

Been playing this one on loop. The drums sound like machine guns. Like how they wove in the piano. I’m not here to fit in this world. I just want to make a difference.