I hate my life period. I am almost 30 and I’ve never had a real boyfriend and all the relationships I do have ends with them leaving me for someone else. Everytime… I give money to these men and tell myself I’m helping them when deep down inside I know I’m buying there time.
I don’t have kids and I want them worst than anything. The only thing I wished for as a little girl was to have a family of my own. I had surgery to see if anything was blocking my ability to have kids and as a result of that I found out that I hve a blocked tube and scar tissue on my uterus. The doctor told me that it was there because of an untreated infection. I didn’t know I had an infection. I tried drugs to get pregnant but didn’t wrk. Some people don’t understand when I say if I got pregnant and miscarried I would be ok wit it because I would then feel like a woman. The first and only std I’ve had was with my first and I was 19. But the doctor told me that I need to stop having sex with so many men. Without even asking me how many partners I’ve had.
My father molested me and I never told anyone. I live with my parents today because the man who still won’t let me call him my man/boyfriend need my help more than I needed to feel safe.
The only reason I’m here now is for my brothers. They don’t know what I go thru or been but I love them enough not to hurt them with my decision. I dnt have anyone to confide in but God. I just gave my life to him and I’m failing miserably. He is my last hope. I wish I had someone to talk to. I dnt want to be a christian who thinks about suicide daily. I’m tired of hurting, giving, and enduring. My life since I was young revolved around one day having a husband and a child. Love. Either one. But I feel like its not in his plans. I always though that if I did good I would get good rewards. But my life has been nothing but SAD. Tried suicide once in high school didn’t work woke up the next morning sick.
I know this is long and maybe boring but its only a drop in the bucket for why I feel like living with God. Oh I want to be with him so bad. I’m trying to keep fighting and its just not working.
4 comments
Hay I don’t know what to say that will help your situation. All I can say is that I feel for you and understand your want to end it. I’m an 18 year old male so I can’t relate to how u really feel so I won’t even insult you with trieng. but the simple truth is I’ve tried it and I succeded for about 5 minutes. its a strange feeling waking up and relizing uve been dead. I got to see first hand the hurt on peoples faces like I was truly dead. And trust me u couldn’t do that to your brothers if u even had the smallest bit of love for them. I know it seams stupid having some random kid try to help you out with your aldult problems but I know first hand pain is pain no matter the age deppresion is a disease with no cure, but having someone out there even if its just over a website helps. if u ever need to reach me my email is bigdamb3ar@aim.com ill do what I can to help. take care and hold on. it gets better.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I feel that we’re sort of on the same page here. I have extremely irregular periods, and the doctors dont know for sure that I’ll be able to bear children..like yourself, I want to be a mother more than anything. I realized that there are other ways of becoming a loving mother: Adoption, Finding a Surrogate, sperm banks. Some of these options may appeal more to you than others. Imagine a small baby is given to you and you’re holding it in your arms.. will you not love it because you did not bear this child?? From what I percieve of you from your entry, you are capable of love and you are certainly capable of loving a child that may never have a mother otherwise.
I also see that in the past you have sold yourself short and only met “men” who were clearly not deserving of you. You need to first acknowledge that you are worth more than what those pathetic excuse for men gave you (or didn’t give you). Please, before you persue another relationship, find a way to truely be content yourself. If you are content with yourself, you will finally realize what you are worth. There are plenty of women out there in their 30s, 40s, even 50s and beyond who have JUST found their true life partners. You’re still too young too worry about aging.
There are people out there who care about you. Although I have never met you in person, I already see that you would be someone I would enjoy meeting and talking to. You loving your brothers alone shows me that your someone who has alot more to offer. Your father molested you in the past, but you need to take that and learn from that experience and help the countless others who are going through the same thing everyday.
I used to ask God “why? why me” about my fertility problem. Now I say “Thank you, God” for my fertility problems. I know I might sound strange, but by making me infertile, I can help others like you. He is doing his work through me. God works in mysterious ways. Try not to question his work, but to embrace it and ask him to guide you into the right direction.
Stay strong. We are all God’s creation. I love you, my sister.
Hey, I tried for a long time to get pregnant too, thinking that that would be the answer to all my problems. But, I think, thankfully, I never did get pregnant, and I say thankfully, because what kind of life would I be bringing my child into? Until I can be happy with myself, and my life, on my own, I don’t think I should be laying my expectations out on the next generation, who didn’t even ask to be created. I don’t know if this is any kind of advice, but, I’d say, try to get yourself together before you worry about kids and family and stuff. As to how to get yourself together–i’m sorry, i don’t really know. But, you know, give it time. Don’t rush into something. Life can be good, if we sit back and let it happen, in its own time. Anyway, good luck, and be strong. That’s all any of us can do.
Dear Susan,
My feeling same as you. I dont have kids yet & I have been married for 5 years. Some pople breaking my heart strongly. I feel my life is very boring & I’m keen on a babby too. But I’m not going to suicide. I’m a buddhist. So my religion explain that “to be a human its very difficult”. I cant express my feeling well. Because I’m not a English women. Take Care your self. First think of yourself. Every time try to do somthing could interested you.