I hate my life period. I am almost 30 and I’ve never had a real boyfriend and all the relationships I do have ends with them leaving me for someone else. Everytime… I give money to these men and tell myself I’m helping them when deep down inside I know I’m buying there time.
I don’t have kids and I want them worst than anything. The only thing I wished for as a little girl was to have a family of my own. I had surgery to see if anything was blocking my ability to have kids and as a result of that I found out that I hve a blocked tube and scar tissue on my uterus. The doctor told me that it was there because of an untreated infection. I didn’t know I had an infection. I tried drugs to get pregnant but didn’t wrk. Some people don’t understand when I say if I got pregnant and miscarried I would be ok wit it because I would then feel like a woman. The first and only std I’ve had was with my first and I was 19. But the doctor told me that I need to stop having sex with so many men. Without even asking me how many partners I’ve had.
My father molested me and I never told anyone. I live with my parents today because the man who still won’t let me call him my man/boyfriend need my help more than I needed to feel safe.
The only reason I’m here now is for my brothers. They don’t know what I go thru or been but I love them enough not to hurt them with my decision. I dnt have anyone to confide in but God. I just gave my life to him and I’m failing miserably. He is my last hope. I wish I had someone to talk to. I dnt want to be a christian who thinks about suicide daily. I’m tired of hurting, giving, and enduring. My life since I was young revolved around one day having a husband and a child. Love. Either one. But I feel like its not in his plans. I always though that if I did good I would get good rewards. But my life has been nothing but SAD. Tried suicide once in high school didn’t work woke up the next morning sick.
I know this is long and maybe boring but its only a drop in the bucket for why I feel like living with God. Oh I want to be with him so bad. I’m trying to keep fighting and its just not working.