Second time

  September 1st, 2009 by hjm5

so. this is my second time posting something here.

i had a panic attack last night. and drove 30 minutes away to my family’s cottage where i then spent the night. the whole way there i was driving at at least 85 mph. there were a few times where i actually almost went off the road. and i dont think i cared very much.

my best friend was supposed to come visit me at college tomorrow. but we got into an argument because i said some stupid things. and now he isnt coming. and i’m extremely upset by this.

we got into an argument about a month ago. and thats when i told him that i had previously had feelings for him. and we just never talked about it until a few days ago. when i told him ‘love you’ via text. which i only said because he seemed upset and i was trying to make him feel better. he responded with ‘it makes me really uncomfortable when you say that. because of our past history’

we have no past histroy. and it really hurt me and embarrassed me that he said that. so i told him that the next day. and he didnt understand. and i got frustrated. which led to my little panic attack. i was so stressed out by this. and now he wont talk to me. and i do think that i totally over reacted. but like. i said i’m sorry. what else do you want me to do?

i’m kind of upset that i didnt actually swirve off the road last night. i wish i would have. and now i cannot focus on my school work and i really dont know what to do.

i do have depression. and i do have medication for this.

earlier i became stressed again. so i took a xanax. and then i slept through one of my classes. and this didnt help one bit.

and i have absolutely no one to talk to about this because i told all of my friends that i think my best friend is gay so when i say i had feelings for him, i’d be super embarrassing for me. even more so than me telling him that i had those feelings in the first place. i need to talk to someone. and i have no one.

i dont know what to do.

and i cant keep myself busy. because i always come back to thinking about him

and this is when i think that it’d probably be so much better to just kill myself. somehow.

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