I had a job interview.Â It would have eliminated all my financial problems and enabled me to move out of my father’s house.
I was informed (phone call on my birthday, no less) that I was not hired because I was too nervous in the second interview.
That same birthday I was accused of “overflowing the bathtub or intentionally dumping bottled water on the carpet” because a wet moldy spot was found on my bedroom carpet.Â Even though the problem is clearly a leaking pipe I’m still being accused of somehow orchestrating the problem.Â As well as anything else that goes wrong in the house.
I’ve gone from a 25 year old unemployed loser with a music degree who lives with her parents to a 26 year old unemployed loser with a music degree who lives with her parents.Â The fact that my father and stepmother still refuse to speak to me (except to ridcule or accuse me) and apparently despise me is not helping.Â I can’t live in this house anymore.Â I’m not even allowed to shower, because I’ll “mess up one of the bathrooms”.Â Then I’m ridiculed for not being clean.Â I’ve been expressly forbidden to clean anything in the house unless specifically told to do so, and then I’m either screamed at because things aren’t clean or because I tried to clean something without permission.
I don’t have a job, I can’t find one, I can’t support myself and I can’t bear to stay here any longer.Â I’m beyond caring about what will happen to the people who co-signed on my private student loans when I die.Â I can’t take anymore.Â I thought about looking for help – but I can’t tell a therapist or anyone else (outside of here) what’s really wrong without ending up on an involuntary “psychiatric hold”.Â I’d rather die than go through that.
I want to try to make it through a few more days so it isn’t so close to my mother’s birthday.Â Then I’ll probably take 800mg of ibuprofen, since it’s a blood-thinner, and cut my carotid artery.Â It seems the most efficient, and most effective route.
But I’m also a miserable coward, so whether or not I can even go through with it remains to be seen.Â This is my third post here, for God’s sake.
I disgust myself.