Here is more of the stuff I have written recently about why I constantly think about killing myself.
Living to survive, surviving to live. LIVE TO MAKE MONEY SO YOU CAN SURVIVE….AND MAKE MONEY.
For me personally, I see no value for me to continue to survive just so I can keep surviving. I also don’t see why I (or anyone) should have to dedicate my life (majority of waking hours) to continue run on a treadmill (a job) just so I can make money so I can continue to survive for the sake of surviving when I have no real reason to continue to survive in the first place. Some people might have a reason, but I don’t. People often say things like “Its just life” NO, its just control and manipulation of humans. I think it is likely that humans would have more meaningful lives with no monetary system and not ‘just lay around all day’ because the world’s circumstances would be completely different. For more on that, watch the movie Zeitgeist: Addendum.
So, yeah, I don’t see the value in living to make money just you can survive to scarf down food and suck down fluids… ..just so you can survive to make money and do it again and again and again and again…..
F*(k the state of the world and the state of humanity.
Its (hole)ding me back
I think that if I could get rid of my libido and my strong need to love and be loved, I could probably continue with my life with very little stress and problems and actually be able to make some goals and get them done. Maybe I could actually change the world for the better. I doubt that I could ever get rid of those certain human qualities in myself though. Because of this it seems I will remain frozen in the way of typical life advances. So until either the strong need is met or I can eliminate that need, the hole in my chest will continue to grow and I will become….. even sharper.
and this one:
I think of two opposite things a lot.
Suicide and sex. Those seem to be pretty much the only two subjects I think about these days. One of them has to do with the ending of my physical existence. The other is supposed to be a life creating urge even though I have no desire to have children (like a girl would even want to have sex with me anyway). So, when I’m not thinking about killing myself mostly stemming from the facts that I have not had sex in almost seven years and no girl could ever love me so I will be alone for the rest of this physical existence, I am also jacking off at least 3 times a day. I was just thinking that its strange for me to be constantly thinking about those two things that are supposed to be opposites. I have noticed that when I am really really feeling like I’m almost to the point of finally ending it, I stop jacking off for at least one to three days. When there is a day when I am really really unusually horny, I think about suicide very little in that day but those thoughts never completely go away. I don’t know why I breathe now. Maybe its because of that so called survival mechanism or maybe its because I don’t want those few people who would actually care if I was dead (close family) to be sad. Still, I don’t want to exist in almost constant soul-crushing pain just so a few people can have the piece of mind that I still exist.