NRTL

Hi. I am going to start posting some stuff that I have wrote in the past several months about how I feel and why I feel this way. Here is the first piece of the puzzle that I am going to post here, one of the oldest.

I am a white male in my early twenties and I will likely live a short a life, mostly because very undesirable body and within that, my small hands and arms, bad teeth, huge head, bad stretch marks, fat belly, and my small and crooked penis; Its is roughly 4.8in by 4.8in. Besides this I am ugly but not disgusting. I am now getting fat at 190lbs because I just don’t care about taking care of my body for the sake of finding a partner who will not be satisfied anyway. I have only had sex with one girl and in my mind at the time, it was a very serious relationship. It was six years ago. It only lasted about nine months and its the only relationship I have ever been in. Its was a long distance relationship and I now strongly believe that she was cheating on me most of the time and she defiantly was at the end of it. When we were together she would sometimes say things like “it needs to at least go up to your belly button.” or she might kind of laugh and point at the tag that was on my underwear that said “hang ten”. I didn’t get that at the time, but I do now. Its a long, painful story but in the end, the day after I broke up with her (after she was acting suspicious and I heard from people that she was cheating on me) she called me up with some other dude who was saying “hey I heard you have a baby dick” and she was whispering “baby dick” and telling me that her past f-buddy was much better in bed than I ever could be and so on. I should also point out that during this relationship she basically forced me to get engaged to her. I never treated her badly, not ever. She would never put any effort into sex especially if it was oral or anything where she had to do something, she would just f around holding it not really doing anything. Whenever I went down on her and a small handful of the times we had normal sex and she seemed to be enjoying it she would tell me that I’m “driving her crazy” and have me stop. I cannot forgive her to this day. I am not at all open to using any kind of toys or extenders or any of that ****. I, myself have strong sexual desires, but apparently from the research I’ve been doing using the real world and the internet I will never have a girl who wants to fulfill those desires because I am physically inadequate. So in these last six years I have had absolutely no ‘more than platonic’ contact with a girl. I don’t want anything but a serious relationship, but I guess when it comes to what I want it doesn’t matter because it seems that there is no one that I would consider “adequate” myself, who would have me. It seems as long as I exist in this physical body, I will never be happy and will always feel soul crushing pain/loneliness and feelings of hatred, envy and wrath. Girls probably think I’m rude because I hardly ever say hi to them or say anything to them but the only reason I don’t is because I feel that it is pretty pointless because either it is impossible for me to ever be with them or they are already so tainted or I know that they have been with guys who I’m sure are bigger down there than me so I just don’t try at all. I have nothing to offer them that they would actually want and consider it enough reason to stay with me. I also don’t want to be just tolerable enough to stay with for awhile, I want to be a girl’s everything and nothing less so they don’t even consider other guys even in the slightest bit. I know that that is supposedly unrealistic but I don’t care, thats how I feel and I will not be lied to about that. This is the only way that I can express my feelings because I can’t trust anyone enough to tell them what the main problem is because it is exactly the kind of thing that everybody, especially girls, just love to make fun of. And its not like a damn thing can be done to get rid of this problem. My existence is a contradiction to itself: what I need the most, I am the most ill-equipped for. I don’t think that there is a one or anyone (for me) at all. I don’t have enough personality or enough ANYTHING for any girl that I would like. I don’t want to play up the ‘motherly instinct’ in a girl and I don’t really want pity. What I realistically want now is a permanent rest from this, I want this to end. Also, no religion, it does not help.

So girls, is it wrong for me to feel this way?

This isn’t all there is to know about me and why I want get out of this body but it is a large portion of it.