ok well i am just going to say what is going on so perhaps someone can tell me what to do because the only thing i can think of to do is stop taking my morphine and dilaudid save them up and then take all of them at once so i dont have to deal with this crap anymore. I am 31 i have lived with AIDS since i was 18, but my life was a living hell before that. i will start at the begining.
When i was younger i knew i was attracted to other guys i did not know what this meant. i messed around with other guys my age just to be “outed” by one of them saying i had forced them to do something with me with a 2″ pocket knife wich was fucking laughable since i have never forced anyone to do anything and if i was going to force you to do something why wouldnt i use the sharp huge ass machete i had access to instead of a piss poor pocket knife.
anyhow that was hard enough to deal with i was never popular in school. well i found someone and grew close to them and fell in love with them, yeah we were young but we were very happy, at least we were untill the night he was walking me home from a date and my mom pulled up in the truck cursing us out cuz she had gone thru my shit broke open my safe and found all the love letters he had written me that i held onto to feel near him when we couldnt be together. our parents forbade us to see each other i wanted to fight them or die well i ended up fighting my parents and leaving home. well i got sent home again by the police just to be put into a mental hospital for depression. so 7 months of my life gone in there while i recover from a loss i should never have had forced on me just because people are stupid biggots.
as if this not enough i fall in love with someone else after this just to have to go back to NY to bury my grandfather and when i get back home i find that they had tried to cheat on me.
so needless to say that was over.
well, my parents and my school not accept me for being gay so i was kicked out of school and my parents kick me out onto the street. they actually sent me halfway across country to str8 camp to get the gay prayed away i refused to lie about who i am i never chose to be this way i always been this way god made me this way and god not make mistakes. its been proven that gayness is an effect of hormones on thebrain while in the womb and that is hardly me choosing this.
after all that my parents move me to tx i have no friends everyone here so snotty and stuck up. i again manage to fall in love with someone and really think i will spend the rest of my life with them just to find out 6 months later that the guy knew he had AIDS and lied to me about it so guess what, im 18 and got aids oh happy joy!
i think this is the end for me no one want someone with aids. so i prepare to spend rest of my life alone. somehow manage to find someone who understand and not afraid of me for being sick. fall in love spend 6 yrs together and then they got into smoking ice and chose a drug over me i could not deal with that and so i left. i mean shit yeah i know dealing with me being sick not easy but that no fucking excuse to lie to me, or loose our house cuz u pull 5000 bucks out of my account to buy ice and smoke it with faggots i not know and cheat on me.
ever since then i have spent every day of my life alone i used to tak to my sister alot and it help but now i not even do that, i have nothing really to say to her she would not be here had i not saved her life when she try to kill herslef and her son not be here if not for me either.
well my thanks for this is my nephew at the age of 12 telling me he not want to see me cuz i a ******.
what the hell? i am already 31 had aids since 18 i not doing well and now this on what could very well be my last chance to see him?
i recently found the first man i ever love he in prison and has done things i never imagine him capable of doing. in rush of emotion i write letter to him asking what happen to him etc and tell him truth that not a day go by i not thinl of him. i dont know if hes going to reply or not or if it will even be positive or negative.
I am sitting here sick alone all my so-called friends only use me for money or my ability to fix computers or steal my medicine to get high. anytime i need someone to talk to or just a fucking hug no one have time for me.
did i also mention that my parents told me i wont be getting a funeral because im not worth it?
i spend every moment of my life in excruiating pain because the county hopsital had me on aids meds i was allergic to and not listen to me when i tell them they making me sick. it got to the point where my blood turned to aicd and i nearly died.
my parents put me on street i homeless cannot work. had to stay homelss for years waiting for social security disabilty. i finally get that i get an amazing 500 a month i suppose to put food in my mouth with pay rent with get to dr appts with everything. no fucking way this going to work cuz no one help me.
because ive had to take morphine in order to deal with pain my teeth rot out and i not able to go to dentist to get fixed i cant afford it.
no one willing to help me all anyone do is want shit like i really have alot to give.
i nice to everyone do things to help anyone i can out but no one ever do shit for me but treat me like shit.
i not understand what i ever do to deserve all of this i never mean to anyone, and i always get the short end of stick. even when things going ok out of blue shit happen to me and i not even looking for trouble.
is it so much to ask to be treated like you want to be treated?
is it so much to ask to be loved? i mean shit i was married to a guy who not have aids for 6yrs and yeah we had sex but i never do anything to put him at risk because i not want anyone to suffer what i suffering with.
where is god in all of this?
why cant i get any help?
my pain doctor tell me not to kill myself i really want to ive tried several times in the past but alweays got caught. well this time i not warning anyone who can stop me because this time i not want to wake back the fuck up. i am so depressed it scary i cry all the time now. i really want to die i dont see how i am supposed to go on when i cant fucking eat cuz of fucked up teeth and i cant get where i need to go cuz i not afford a cab or car. i not have ANYONE to talk to. no one care i do nothing to deserve this so why?
i take 600mg of morphine every 6 hrs i am hoping that when i get my next refill of 360 that taking them all plus all 150 of my 8mg dilaudid be enough to end this without pain or anyone being able to stop me.
i really need help no one undestand or care so i wrote this thinking maybe just maybe someone will but i doubt it.
this isnt everything just what on my mind in a nutshell i never got over alot of the things done to me im sure that kind of obvious.
but how the fuck can you recover from being told by your own paretns that you not even worth a funeral?
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So here it goes. We all have to learn our parents are only human. They do incrediable mean and stupid things sometime. You can love them and accept that they are to shallow to love you. It is sad but so many of us have to love our parents more than they could ever love us.
I hope you don’t try or succed in killing yourself. My son died 9/26 and despite the lack of friends he thought he had, he had more than he ever even knew. I promise you that you will be missed. A gapping whole will be left in this universe by your loss.
I am sorry you are sick. It seems like you need treatment or better treatment for depression. It took years before I began Lithium. It has saved my life.
As for “Why me” in this universe we must ask “Why not me”. Embracing and learning from your trials can give you skills to survive you never thought of. Reframe your perspective for just a couple of days. Forget about all the hurt, even pretend if you have to, Imagine that you’ve been given this life because you are strong enough. I think you have much strength because you are still with us. You also are very loving as you mention loving others a lot.
Call a hotline. Ask your Dr to get you better antidepressants. Keep writting here. My son was wonderful but troubled and changing his life. If he could have just called anyone. If only he would have. People will feel your loss.
Please stay with us.
kim1966.
first thank you for replying.
i am very suprised you able to tell i am a loving person. i apologize for my grammer/spelling mistkes as i am just letting my thoughts flow because for the last few years i have not had any outlet or anyone to talk to. i used to see a pshyciatrist but i stop because it felt pointless to keep talking about how all of this shit hurts me and nothing i can ever do to change it. as stupid as it may sound i care a great deal for other people i not even know, and it hurt me to see how people treat each other. all of the hippocrisy and the bckstabbing and using.
in all my life i never do anything to hurt anyone. i always been kind to othes and treat them as i wish i had been treated. i try not to hold what others do to me against new people but it seems like new people end up wanting things, for example when i recently went from just thinking about suicide to having a plan i spoke to someone i just met for them to turn around and ask me if i will give them all of my shit when i die.
that is supposed to be helpful?
i will try to look at things from a different perspective but i really find it hard to beleive i will be missed for the last year i spend every day alone no phone calls nothing i only see other people when my parents take me to do laundry and get groceries even tho i not eat anything anymore i just drink.
i figured out that i cannot change them and that nothing will ever fix them just like nothing will ever change me. so i let them say and do what they want and just deal with it with no outlet for that either but im pretty sure i be dead by now if not for the little help i get from them. i just love how it is when someone in my family get a cold everyone freak out and is there for them and listen to them complain about how horrible it is.
here it is every day i in pain you could not belvie every day i sick from aids. my stomach always upset without weed to calm it down. do anyone care about how i feel or how i doing? nope no one even ask not even my parents. well last weekend i not say antyhing anymore cuz i had made my plan. well i guess perhaps soemone notice cuz my mom ask me why i not talking and what wrong but i not going to tell her she just say im stupid and causing problems.
i know im not perfect i know i not have great teeth and trhe perfect body. but i also know that i nice to everyone and i have kind heart and would give the world to the person i loved if there was someone but no one ever want to see me for what on the inside. as soon as they find i got aids they run for hills.
i not even have other friends with aids to talk to for support.
i take an anti depresant but i stop because it was not working.
i have all of these feelings inside i have had even stuff since i was a little kid and thought i was always going to be alone because i the only one i knew who was gay tho back then i not know what it was called.
to this day i long to know what happen to the first guy i love is he ok etc. i admit i even dream that someday i get back with him and all of this was just something i had to work through to get to that but im pretty sure that isnt going to happen. seems like the only peace i have is when i dont dream at all. i used to be afraid of death even in my nightmares, well now i dont fear death anymore i fear being left alone and hurt.
since i know i not worth a funeral i know no one will be there.
my sister used to say that if something happen to me she wanted the urn so she could take care of me. i not sure how i feel about that given that she cant raise her kids to not be bigots. yes i understand hes 12 and i know how kids are at that age but i also know that if she bothered to teach him better this not be a problem.
i have always been very smart when it come to book things or science but very stupid when it come to people.
i want to fix all of this i realy do. i want to get my teeth fix and be able to have support from others but i cant go anywhere cuz i have no car and my parents not willing to take me. i cannot afford a cab either.
i not see a way, for any of this to change all i can forsee is more day in and day out of the same and it very painful both phsycially and emotionally.
i just want it to stop and death seems only way to do it.
i figure since the only one who has any idea i been feeling this way is my pain doctor that no one will know or be able to stop me. she says i a very special person and that it would be a loss to the entire world for me to die like that but i not see why? i mean no one ever notice me anyway now so why would anyone notice i not here anymore untill i not may rent and they find my body?
as stupid as it is i pin alot of hope on hearing fromt he first person i ever love but i already know in my heart i wont hear from him or that if i do it wont be what i was hoping for.
i keep trying to tell myself to find something to hang on to. i not even want to clean my house or bathe myself anymore.
i put alot of time into a video game and alot of effort just to be treated like shit by the people there as if i not human and got no feelings and my only purpose on this earth is to be everyones dumpin bag.
i would call someone but i not know who to call or wht good talking about this stuff will do since none of that will change it?
i know that may sound selfish of me i dont know but i would think part of solving this is changing things and i not see any way to do that.
i watch tv and i see political parties lie about each other while our old president claims he kept us safe.
well i am from NY orignally and bush did not keep us safe wtf do you call 9/11? and you can call me crazy but I KNEW ABOUT 9/11 BEFORE IT HAPPEND and to this day i blame myself for it because no one beleive me when i warn them. just liek i knew about the tusnami a few yrs ago in december before it happen but no one beleive me about that either.
this was how i knew to save my sisters life and my nephews i knew before anyone else did what was going on and i not know why.
people are petty and sick and only want to see the rosy side of the shit they do and not take responsibility for the bad. and here i am taking responsibiluty for things i not even do and that i have no control over.
i never asked or decided to be gay. i never asked or tried to get aids.
but boy i sure as hell get punished for those two things as if i did.
i just not able to deal with being alone anymore. i will try for awhile to have a different outlook on things i really will but if things not change i not see any other choice but to end it and just hope that god understand this was too much for me i been crying for help and no response.
i dont see how anyone can say i am strong to have dealt with everything i have dealt with i certianly dont feel it. i wish i was strong but im not anymore. after all these years of fighting i just dont have the energy or the will anymore i not even have the simplicty of someone to hug me and tell me eventually things be ok.
may sound stupid but i really miss having someone who care about me who i can be there for and who is there for me it not have to be a gay thing, friend or family would work to but not even have that.
i am also sorry to hear about your son but i honestly am apt to think he is in a better place where we dont hurt anymore. at least i hope that is the case because that is what i am hoping for when im ready to take my own life.
im just not sure that i will have enough pills and i dont have anythign shard enough to slit my wrists with i dont think. so i may have to wait longer and i know that winter is always the hardest on me spending holidays alone no friends not even a fuckin card. and i really truly beleive i not be able to handle that this year.
i welcome you to write me back may sound stupid but knowing ANYONE cares about what happening to me is better than sitting here entirely alone =(
Ok. So your going to try to think differntly that is great. Just give it a shot. I failed to mentioned that I am Bi-Polar and suffreed massive depression for an extended time. Oh the agony I do know this feeling. After many years of bad treatment and now good treatment I know where you are. Illness is a mind killer. And I am sure Aids and its stigma in our society has got to be breaking your heart. Then add a mental illness of any kind and the agony is intense. But I do know you can get better. Of course I am not speaking of Aids becasue quite honestly I know very little except that the treatment is harsh.
You quit your anti depressant because it didn’t work. Wrong! Today there IS a antidepressant that will work. I have been thru tons. SUCKS! But I had three boys to raise.
Once when I was inpatient someone said “What is Your Goal” If you don’t have a Goal to live for then your going to die. Well I made my Goal to watch each of my Boys Graduate. One got his GED and 2 walked. Now my Goal is to get a job and do things I couldn’t do while they were small. And every day my goal is to Keep well. I go to my pscy. I take my meds. I have an emergency plan.
Is there anything you look forward to for yourself? Anything you want to accomplish even if you don’t feel like it right now?
Also for about a year I volunteered 3 times a week. It saved me. There were people around me and I did what I could so no stress. Would you consider helping someone else with Aids? Maybe someone you don’t know needs a phone call. You see I to was very isolated. I think I had 2 friends and they were working.
Oh Talon when we have so much time on our hands we think, think, think.
Sometime I tell myself just STOP! STOP thinking. Ugh.
Well I don’t know you but it dosen’t keep me from caring that you stay in this world. Along with trying to be postive (Yeah I know) Think of someone you can help even in the smallest way. And don’t think about what they will or won’t do for you. This is a freebie!
I also would be remise if I didn’t say I think you need to call a Dr or Hotline today. Talon you have a plan and are working it. That is russion roulette without the gun. Please let someone help you. I ahve been inpatient 3 times. As much agony as I feel about the Loss of my son I am now today still glad I am here.
Lets talk again. And hey I don’t mean to be bossy or condesending so hope it ok to just talk. Ally
Ok here I am again it is Sat. Three weeks ago I found out my Son had hung himself. What a agony I can not explain. So this is the first Sat I have had time to even realize it. He worked on Sat so it wasn’t our phone day but at least I knew what he was up to.
I really just wanted to say hi. I am going to force myself to remeber nice memories today. Get a few errands done. Keep busy. I have a new counselor next week. Nervous! But I usually stay in therapy regularly I have just been moving to cali this last few months.
How are you feeling today? Got anything planned. Are you able to walk any lenght? Boy in the beggingin I walked every day. Just mindless around our property. But one day I actually noticed the sky. Wow. It has been a long jjourney.
How about up into the shower and then out for a quick walk to the end of the block or to the door an back what ever seems enough. I know I am silly but hey doing something is infintely better than the hours we try and hide in bed.
Thought of anyone you could just offer a hello to. You know the one where you don’t care what they think or if they respond back? Well I am thinking of you today. I still hope you tell your Dr or call a hotline. Boy i am sick of this disease taking the best of our humanity. Stay with us Ok?
hey i am sorry i have not been on here to reply i have been trying to deal with things in life that arent easy to. somehow some company i never even heard of just up and decided to clean out my checking account. i never gave out my acct or checkcard number to these ppl nor did i authorize the charges. i assure you had i had that money to spend i would have probably spent it on something like a cab to church or an hiv poz support grp.
well, things not going as well as i hoped. went out of my way to help someone and got yelled at for it. wich make no sense to me, but ok.
i also had allergic reaction to medication and stop breathing. so i was in hopsital for a few days. well i get out of hospital and home wait on my parents to come get me so i not sit here and starve to death.
guess what?
they not call or show up. i call and ask what going on they respond they try to call me while in hospital. somehow my mom flyingback from seeing my nephew who had a fucking cold (yet mom insist ie be death flu) at 9pm sunday night mean they cant get me sunday afternoon for food. and since i was in hospital untill saturday guess what?
i told it not there problem so it now day 3 of me being home after nearly dying without even having tried and now i not fucking eating cuz no food in house. mind you i can get it i got food stamps but it too much for my mom to drive 2 minutes down the road to come get me and take me to grocery store and drop me off at home. so, i starve to death.
1 thing when you got food and u can at least try to eat it another when you not even able to try because somehow you mother can move heaven and earth for your nephew having a cold and fly across country to see him but she make her son with aids starve to death with no laundry.
and the only reason i live where i do now is cuz they promise me that if i move here and pay extra to be near them they make sure i get to grocery store etc.
now if this not tell ppl how things fucked up for me i not sure what will.
anyhow. i get more pills on friday so i probably do something shortly thereafter i cant do this anymore im sorry. it one thing to try and surivive when you have basic neccesity but when you not even able to eat for a week?
im not going to sit here and slowly starve to death and suffer when i can end it in a nice quiet nap. you know it pretty fucked up my parents this way but, o well nothing i can do to change it.
Hi Talyn, I am sorry to. I have been spending time with my Mom. My husband went out of town and I just didn’t want to be alone. The 26th was four weeks since my son commited suicide. It was a bad day. You know I called him on Fri. because he worked on the weekends. We also talked usually Mon & Wed. Just short comversations. Did he need anything. How was his music going. But everyday I knew about where he would be. Day off, Working, Dentist, etc.
I have a counter full of half written Thanks yous. We started a music Scholarship in his name. I just seemed like a robot writting those things. Like this just shouldn’t be my life. Last night I cried because this will be his first birthday without him in 4 weeks. We always took them to any retaurant they wanted to go. My Son was a wonderful cook. He could make something out of nothing. He cooked for me a lot it was sweet.
I am sorry for your family toubles. You know I still can’t agree with your plan. I feel your hurt and anger and I wish I knew how to tell you to handle it. I am glad you went out of your way to help someone. Who cares if you got yelled at. It is the act that you really did it. I am proud of you.
I am so sorry about the hospital. It does kind of prove a point though. If you hadn’t wanted to live you wouldn’t have struggle so hard to get better? Talyn do you think maybe that is true. You know if you try and drown yourself it is almost impossible because your instincts tell you to fight back. I believe that just as we have brain chemisrty that drives us toward suicide we also have instincts that know to try and survive. Sometimes when our inhibitions are down and we use very violent methods those natural survival insticts fail.
What if your quite nap leaves you trapped in a coma with no way to move but your mind intact? And not to be mean but hey I know your not going to starve. I know because you haven’t yet. Your feelings are hurt and this is a great way to vent. My Opnion anyway.
You see I don’t even know you but I know that your life is vaulable. Now damnit start thinking like your valuable. Sorry.
All those Thank you cards have a little card inside that has A Sucide Prevention Number and Suicide Warning Signs. LifeLIne 1-800-273-TALK
Write that number down and put it in your wallet. And hey when are you going to tell your DR that you have a plan and you need help? I mean you were in the hospital. Why didn’t you speak up?
I’ll be honest if you suceed we all know you won’t be with us anymore. But that family you are angry with is going to hurt a lot more than you imagine. And if you don’t suceed you could be a 100 times worse than you are now.
I know I am just being a ***** tonight. If I could only help you see that I know both sides. I tried to Kill myself at 14. Then 4 times since I have been in treatment for suicide ideation. Today I am a Mother of a sucide victim. Sucide stole my child. Can you understand why it angers me so that it would steal you from this world? Stay here Talyn.
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings just a little hurt tonight myself. Lets keep talking. And I hope you get better. Take it easy.
Ally
Just saying Hi. Rough day today. Still hoping youre hanging in there.
No great things to say except stay here with us.
If youre not here. I hope you are talking to someone. That is always good.
Thinking of you.
Ally