what is to live for anyway.

  October 22nd, 2009 by Talyn

ok well i am just going to say what is going on so perhaps someone can tell me what to do because the only thing i can think of to do is stop taking my morphine and dilaudid save them up and then take all of them at once so i dont have to deal with this crap anymore. I am 31 i have lived with AIDS since i was 18, but my life was a living hell before that. i will start at the begining.
When i was younger i knew i was attracted to other guys i did not know what this meant. i messed around with other guys my age just to be “outed” by one of them saying i had forced them to do something with me with a 2″ pocket knife wich was fucking laughable since i have never forced anyone to do anything and if i was going to force you to do something why wouldnt i use the sharp huge ass machete i had access to instead of a piss poor pocket knife.
anyhow that was hard enough to deal with i was never popular in school. well i found someone and grew close to them and fell in love with them, yeah we were young but we were very happy, at least we were untill the night he was walking me home from a date and my mom pulled up in the truck cursing us out cuz she had gone thru my shit broke open my safe and found all the love letters he had written me that i held onto to feel near him when we couldnt be together. our parents forbade us to see each other i wanted to fight them or die well i ended up fighting my parents and leaving home. well i got sent home again by the police just to be put into a mental hospital for depression. so 7 months of my life gone in there while i recover from a loss i should never have had forced on me just because people are stupid biggots.
as if this not enough i fall in love with someone else after this just to have to go back to NY to bury my grandfather and when i get back home i find that they had tried to cheat on me.
so needless to say that was over.
well, my parents and my school not accept me for being gay so i was kicked out of school and my parents kick me out onto the street. they actually sent me halfway across country to str8 camp to get the gay prayed away i refused to lie about who i am i never chose to be this way i always been this way god made me this way and god not make mistakes. its been proven that gayness is an effect of hormones on thebrain while in the womb and that is hardly me choosing this.
after all that my parents move me to tx i have no friends everyone here so snotty and stuck up. i again manage to fall in love with someone and really think i will spend the rest of my life with them just to find out 6 months later that the guy knew he had AIDS and lied to me about it so guess what, im 18 and got aids oh happy joy!
i think this is the end for me no one want someone with aids. so i prepare to spend rest of my life alone. somehow manage to find someone who understand and not afraid of me for being sick. fall in love spend 6 yrs together and then they got into smoking ice and chose a drug over me i could not deal with that and so i left. i mean shit yeah i know dealing with me being sick not easy but that no fucking excuse to lie to me, or loose our house cuz u pull 5000 bucks out of my account to buy ice and smoke it with faggots i not know and cheat on me.
ever since then i have spent every day of my life alone i used to tak to my sister alot and it help but now i not even do that, i have nothing really to say to her she would not be here had i not saved her life when she try to kill herslef and her son not be here if not for me either.
well my thanks for this is my nephew at the age of 12 telling me he not want to see me cuz i a ******.
what the hell? i am already 31 had aids since 18 i not doing well and now this on what could very well be my last chance to see him?
i recently found the first man i ever love he in prison and has done things i never imagine him capable of doing. in rush of emotion i write letter to him asking what happen to him etc and tell him truth that not a day go by i not thinl of him. i dont know if hes going to reply or not or if it will even be positive or negative.
I am sitting here sick alone all my so-called friends only use me for money or my ability to fix computers or steal my medicine to get high. anytime i need someone to talk to or just a fucking hug no one have time for me.
did i also mention that my parents told me i wont be getting a funeral because im not worth it?
i spend every moment of my life in excruiating pain because the county hopsital had me on aids meds i was allergic to and not listen to me when i tell them they making me sick. it got to the point where my blood turned to aicd and i nearly died.
my parents put me on street i homeless cannot work. had to stay homelss for years waiting for social security disabilty. i finally get that i get an amazing 500 a month i suppose to put food in my mouth with pay rent with get to dr appts with everything. no fucking way this going to work cuz no one help me.
because ive had to take morphine in order to deal with pain my teeth rot out and i not able to go to dentist to get fixed i cant afford it.
no one willing to help me all anyone do is want shit like i really have alot to give.
i nice to everyone do things to help anyone i can out but no one ever do shit for me but treat me like shit.
i not understand what i ever do to deserve all of this i never mean to anyone, and i always get the short end of stick. even when things going ok out of blue shit happen to me and i not even looking for trouble.
is it so much to ask to be treated like you want to be treated?
is it so much to ask to be loved? i mean shit i was married to a guy who not have aids for 6yrs and yeah we had sex but i never do anything to put him at risk because i not want anyone to suffer what i suffering with.
where is god in all of this?
why cant i get any help?
my pain doctor tell me not to kill myself i really want to ive tried several times in the past but alweays got caught. well this time i not warning anyone who can stop me because this time i not want to wake back the fuck up. i am so depressed it scary i cry all the time now. i really want to die i dont see how i am supposed to go on when i cant fucking eat cuz of fucked up teeth and i cant get where i need to go cuz i not afford a cab or car. i not have ANYONE to talk to. no one care i do nothing to deserve this so why?
i take 600mg of morphine every 6 hrs i am hoping that when i get my next refill of 360 that taking them all plus all 150 of my 8mg dilaudid be enough to end this without pain or anyone being able to stop me.
i really need help no one undestand or care so i wrote this thinking maybe just maybe someone will but i doubt it.
this isnt everything just what on my mind in a nutshell i never got over alot of the things done to me im sure that kind of obvious.
but how the fuck can you recover from being told by your own paretns that you not even worth a funeral?

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