i don’t know what’s going on

  November 25th, 2009 by emily25

I haven’t been on here in a while an am not so sure what all I want to really say. My life was getting better. A lot of things were going wrong, but I was handling it. I tried to not think of it I think. Maybe that’s why all of a sudden I have been all depressed these past few weeks on and off. I’m not so sure really. It worries me that I am this way. Not for me, but for my mom and my boyfriend. My mom has been busy with the holiday things and the people staying here. I think she knows I have been acting a little different but that’s pretty normal when there are a lot of people here or about to be here. I’m just not a people person. Not that I mind or anything, I’m just that way. My boyfriend sees right through me though. I wish he couldn’t. I’m not going lie, it’s nice that someone notices. But, I worry him and I hate that. He played the guilt card yesterday. It hurt, of course. I felt, feel, so bad. I know I hurt him and I keep thinking about it. I know certain thing that upset me are stupid things and I shouldn’t let it get to me like that. I never did tell him, which hurt him even more I’m sure. He doesn’t look at me the same all day. I know I should just tell him but I can’t seem to do it. I hate my words. They always come out wrong and make things worse. My words push people away. I just got him and I don’t want to lose him over something so stupid. I can’t seem to hide things from him though. It’s really not like me to not be able to hide what I’m feeling from people. The reasons I’m depressed, or get depressed. I hide my face in his shirt and he lifts my face up and brushes the hair out of my face. He looks at me with those eyes that are almost black and he is so concerned about me and wishes I’d tell him what’s going on in my mind/head. It’s so hard to not tell him. And it’s not that I don’t want to tell him. It’s that I just honestly don’t know how to tell him. One of his biggest things is communication and I can’t seem to tell him anything about what’s going on with me. Am I poisoned? I struggle to hide my face but he always finds me. I don’t want to be rude or anything so I don’t want to just run away to my room or anything where he can’t go. I don’t know if I should just run away or not because either way it hurts him. Then I feel even worse for hurting him like that. I didn’t know I could mean enough to anyone to actually hurt them.

I have it so good! I have a family that gets along good enough. I never have to worry about bills or food. I know we will be taken care of no matter what. My parents’ house is great. Everybody loves it. No one yells and screams at anyone. My parents are pretty understanding when it comes to big things. Big yard, TV. internet, everything needed and more is here. It’s all the stupid things that add up. I put them out of my mind and suck it up and I’m pretty damn good at it… most of the time. This is so much more than what most people have. It’s not fancy, it’s not ruin down and dirty. It’s a comfortable place to hang out at. Yeah, I’m sure it could be better, but there doesn’t need to be anything more here. There is more than enough here.

It’s just me, I think. Things get me depressed too easily and eventually it becomes a problem. I don’t know how to get it out. I can’t seem to just tell anyone anything. I don’t know how to. I don’t want to or need to be trapt inside my own little world of depression. I don’t need to hide and run away from anything. I don’t want to either.

My boyfriend likes to dance. He always tries to dance with me. I don’t dance so I just kind of play around it most of the time. He’ll pick me up and dance around with me. It’s not like I don’t want to dance, because I really do want to dance with him. Sometimes I try to. Like a few minutes ago I actually tried. But he just said I never try and I should. That was me trying for once. Apparently I have four left feet. That’s what he said anyways. Then he gave me that disappointed look, and his eyes looked sad towards me. It wasn’t long because he just went and did something else. I guess he didn’t think of it long. Don’t know why but it stuck in my mind. I’m sure I’m over-thinking things and putting them all wrong and out of proportion. I’m not sure. Not about anything. I just feel that somehow this will end. Maybe badly and over something so stupid. That would cause so many problems. I think I need to stop going on and on. It isn’t getting me anyplace new. I’m still depressed. Still feel like a complete outcast of everybody. My boyfriend and I are so much alike, but so different. He’s so outgoing and fun. I’m the one that sits back and watches people. I don’t get involved in anything. It just doesn’t interest me that much. Someone always gets mad/angry/pissed off at me. Then if one person is that way towards me then so is everyone else. Tension. It’s just around me lately. Even today. Nothing so horrible has happened today. Yet, when my boyfriend came over for a while he still asked if I was ok. I don’t know how to hide it and it’s driving me even more insane because that’s not like me. I’m not like me. I don’t know what’s going on.

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