This is the first time I can talk about the crap in my life and feel candid about it.
The first time I can talk without someone jumping in and telling me how worse their life is than mine… and that if they can deal with their shit, then I should be able to deal with mine.
Wow… don’t I feel so much better after that. Â I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.
I’m turning 41 early december, and I think my life is pretty much finished. Â I don’t see the point of continuing. Â If it wasn’t for the fact that my father is still alive and would be devistated by my own self termination, I’d have done this by now. Â But even that isn’t going to be an issue for much longer.
My issues aren’t the typical ones. Â My issues, oddly, are simply financial. Â I’m in debt. Â I can’t get help for it. Â I’ve exhausted my resources, and at this point, I see no hope in site. Â I can’t enjoy life from this point on. Â I’ve spent the last year putting out resume’s and I can’t get a normal job. Â I can’t do the things I once enjoyed. Â I’m alone, single… and not that THAT is the issue, but simply saying, I have no ties… no dependents. Â But now, I probably never will.
I’m also gay. Â Not that THAT is also an issue. Â I’m all for standing up for gay rights, etc… Â but I’ll tell you… in the gay world, 40 = 90.
No, it’s all simply that I’ve dug this horrendous hole for myself that is too deep to get out of. Â I’ve made my bed, and now it’s my time to lie in it. Â Any hopes or dreams of accomplishing anything is finished.
One of my dreams was to finally go to Scotland. Â That will never happen. Â The only thing I can do now, is arrange to have my ashes sent and scattered there.
Well, there’s no need to go into further details.  I just needed to a place to finally say this without someone trying to give me the  “life is too precious” speech, when for me, it isn’t.  (Especially when it’s coming from someone who has everything going for them)
This is it. Â Time is up. Â I’d like to say… Â It’s been fun. Â But… it hasn’t.
So long… and… thanks for all the fish.
8 comments
Fish? Hm…
Well, people usually say that because they dont understand; rather they are just pretty ignorant. No one knows what its really like to be another person, all one can do is relate. But instead, like you say, they end up comparing their lives to yours. And no one can compare, Its like saying that Green is better than Blue, at being red. [hopefully you get that, otherwise it’ll sound reallystupid]
Everyone has their own “pain tolerancies” so when one tells another individual that “blah blah get over it”means that they are truly ignorant and should be ignored.
And I agree with you. Even so, Gays, are just like everyone else, and i am really sorry for the discrimination that you have to bear. But im sure you can find someone around your age, just because you’re 40 shouldnt reallly mean anything. And of course, people shouldnt just be picky about age either…
if you want,come and talk to me, i’d loveto hear from you. (silly.snowball@yahoo.com)
Thank you for your reply. I do get your colour reference (must be the artist in me).
It is nice to hear someone that understands… and sounds able to stop and just listen rather than feel the need to ‘cut in’ with empty babble. It’s amazing how people don’t understand just how much that makes a person feel worse, and actually pushes them closer to the inevitable.
My issue actually isn’t being Gay. I’ve come to terms with that, and as I said, I’m all for standing up for gay rights, etc.
Quite sadly… my problem now is my out of control debt and sinking financial situation. My only saving grace would be magic money falling from the sky.
About 10 grand worth might save my ass at this point.
What’s the point of living if you just feel like a piece of flesh, going to work each day, never being able to do anything else besides that, because everything, besides breathing, costs money.
I’ve even thought of seeing a shrink just to try to talk about it to someone who’ll just shut up and listen.
But… even that costs money.
I’ve sought every angle of Gov’t assistance, to which I don’t qualify to any of it. Nothing sinks the heart like hearing ‘no’ over and over.
My hope is to use my demise as a last ‘fuck you’ to my gov’t and it’s useless system. But I doubt it’ll change anything. And my ashes will not lie in Canada. I’ll have them sent to my family’s origin, in Scotland.
I’m already packing items and setting things aside for specific people. I’m currently writing letters to the necessary individuals, and writing up my will.
Christmas might be a bad time to do this, and I’m thinking late January.
So… a little time for that magic money to fall. LOL
Thank you though.
Oh… and the line “…thanks for all the fish” is from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. 🙂
Well, all i can do is wish the best for you.
your post positively oozes intelligence, quirkiness and individuality. what a waste for the world it would be to lose you.
your issue sounds trivial to me. fuck it, declaring bankruptcy and getting on welfare’s a better “fuck you” to the govt. you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll qualify for all kinds of shit once you do that.
then again, i want to off myself for an even more trivial reason than yours so fuck me for judging you.
anyway, i’m one of those people who have everything going for them by everyone’s standards, and i’m still fucking miserable and petty and ready to pull the plug. still i wake up every morning and put on my mask and walk out that door and pretend everything’s perfect so “the others†won’t know. don’t know how much longer i’m going to be able to keep that up. i can feel myself going insane.
so i have no right to tell you that your troubles are trivial and tell you to live.
Still, Scotland’s fucking beautiful, definitely worth seeing.
oh i know. find yourself a fat fuck 60 something gay sugar daddy and maybe he’ll take you.
stranger shit’s happened.
i don’t know why i feel this way towards you in particular – i’ve been lurking around these boards a while, and have grown calloused to a lot of the stories… and don’t really care whether people live or die. But… i hope you live.
I really really do.
hey man; I totally feel for you, I’m trans but am still preop cuz I have no money to speak of, but that’s not the main reason why I want to die… it’s cuz I’m constantly beset by bad memories, feelings and thoughts that never give me a moments rest… and I’m tired of this fucking world. I’ll be 38 fairly soon, and I think, that’s a good age to take my leave and die…
Wow… thanks everyone. Y’know, if I was actually surrounded by people like you (instead of the insensitive so-call ‘friends’ that I am) it might almost make me reconsider.
Phoung: You seem like a really sweet person. Thank you for your kind words.
I may take you up on that email. 🙂
Dumpedone: Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. If you met me in person I’m not entirely sure you would find me ‘intelligent’ … but I’ll definitely take quirky. LOL
My plight might sound ‘trivial’ in text, and in fairness, I’ve only given you the abridged version of my whole story. But believe you me… I’m being eaten alive. And my emotional state is not good. Insomnia is also destroying me physically.
When I say I’ve exhausted all my resources, I mean ALL my resources. Would you believe I do not qualify for EI, Welfare, and even debt consolidators have turned me down. I fall right in that very fine line where I actually still make too much money, but not enough money. I’ve been rejected for all of it for various different reasons I can’t get into. That’s why I say… you get tired of hearing ‘no’.
I don’t care about relationships… in fact I’m quite happy being single actually. However, my debt situation has not only effected me, but it’s effecting the people surrounding me. It’s one thing to go down the tubes yourself, but it’s another when you inadvertently start dragging others with you, and you can’t stop it.
But if I find one SLIGHT opening to escape to Scotland, I’m taking it.
But thanks Dumpedone… you seem like a pretty cool dude yourself.
Who knows… maybe we’ll meet on the other side. 🙂
Shelly: In just your few short words I feel for you as well. I know others in your state. I hope something comes through for you. If I find the secret to make magic money fall from the sky, I’ll let you know. LOL
If you do take your life, I hope it stands for something, and that it leaves a lasting imprint and statement to those around you, and the world.
This has been very therapeutic talking about this. However, my life displays a repetitive pattern… one small good thing happens, followed by several massive disasters. So I don’t hold to anything, nor do I trust anything.
My nerves are just too shot.
I do believe there is an afterlife, but I have no ‘religion’ attached to it.
If we don’t meet up in this life… perhaps the next.
I’ll make tea.
HEy send me an email, i want to show you something.
Hello 🙂 I hope that you do get in contact with someone soon and get the help you need.
As for the speech you referred to, I hate that speech. How DARE someone compare their circumstances to someone else’s when they have no idea of the WHOLE story, and of how much you can tolerate/bear.
I am also here for you, and I do care, believe it or not ;). you can hit me up on Facebook or YM.
Email: Stolenname123@yahoo.com
Hope you make the best decision for YOU, and no one else ;).
Much love, Jennife 🙂