losing my mind

  November 10th, 2009 by vbenja

i have been suicidal for 2 weeks. i feel like i am losing my mind. i cant think straight and i have lost a sense of sustainablity. i want this nightmare to end, i want to be done with this cumbersome task of trying to be happy.

last week while standing on the chair with a rope around my neck, trying to find the courage to step off, i thought to myself ” wow i am this fucked up.” i started to think about all the wrongs in my life and what has transpired over the past couple of months, that make me want to end my life. i wanted the pain to go away, i wanted to be done with everything so i would no longer have to deal with it all. i tightened the rope and i started to get lightheaded, i thought ok i can do this just step off. as i was about to, i caught myself and said stop this is stupid. i thought about my friends that would find me, what i would do to them, and how my suicide could led to theirs. i didnt want to force that upon them so i stepped off. i take the rope down and i go inside. i cry. i look in the mirror and see an image that does not look like me. a empty figure just staring back at me with a red line going around their neck. i cry some more. i wait till my roommates come home, they see me distrate and ask me what is wrong. i tell them what i tried to do. they cry. i see that i have hurt them but they are glad that i am alive.

the following day i see a therapist from school. i tell her what i tried to do the previous night and why i felt that way. see calls me later on, worried that i would try it again, she makes me verbally promise that i will not harm myself. she tells me to bring in my meds the next day so i wont be tempted to overdose on them again. i do this to avoid being sent to inpatient. i still fear that i willbe sent inpatient for how i am handling my stress.

i just dont know how to cope with things anymore, i feel that mymind is numb from emotion and feeling. i just dontcare anymore. im still going to seek therapy, with the hope that i can get out of this hell. the real question for myself is how many times ami going to try and commit suicide before i get better.

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