The Time Is Near…

  November 10th, 2009 by radiox302

I’ll let you know my current state:

I’m 21 pushing close to 22. I have very few friends…I feel most people hate me (I mean, maybe they don’t…ask them) and I have a bad knack for just not getting anything done right. I am a virgin and have only been on two dates in my life. I guess I’m not very attractive or something.

Anyway, at one point I drank about a case of beer and a fifth of liquor per week. At 18 I stopped drinking heavily and switched to smoking pot. That stops the major feelings of hopelessness and allows me to function in some normal state. When I’m baked I really don’t feel like suicide is the answer.

I have contemplated or attempted suicide in varying forms since I was 14. Like so many, my parents divorced twice and I had no sense of a mother. I’d go and visit my “real” mom (who died from an accidental OD when I was 13), then go home for nine months and hear it from my step mom.

The desperation grew.

The first night I attempted suicide I sliced my wrists. I remember the razor I used barely made a mark the first time I used it, so I had to dig it deeper to get blood. I woke up with blood all in my trashcan and a bad headache.

Over the next two years I attempted to hang myself and OD on OTC sleeping pills. My family doctor saw the rope markings from my last attempt and asked me what happened…no problem…my necklace scratched the back of my neck.

Something happened at 16 that changed things. The opportunity of college. Going away from family. Sun, fun, and drugs. The attempts and ideations stopped for several years.

About two years ago I almost got kicked out of school for pot paraphernalia possession. Luckily, I just got kicked out of the residences. All the money I saved up in the dorms was spent in less than 48 hours on a puny apartment. I was there all alone. I began to take anti-anxiety and pain pills to block the unhappiness.

Ever since then things have only gotten worse. I haven’t even been on a date since starting college. My days are filled with schoolwork and my nights are filled with employment. I stated to become a loose cannon…and lost a couple of friends along with my not-so-secret crush due to it.

I have a strong feeling I will be dead shortly…I’m scheduling a late January/early February date. I have spent countless hours researching the perfect methods, networking with all the right pill dealers, and figuring out the perfect lethal cocktail. My final week is already plotted out in my head! I really would rather not die, but my family is fragmented, my group of friends are limited, I have no love life or children. For some reason, the simple thought of committing suicide comforts me like nothing else ever has.

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