I’ll let you know my current state:
I’m 21 pushing close to 22. I have very few friends…I feel most people hate me (I mean, maybe they don’t…ask them) and I have a bad knack for just not getting anything done right. I am a virgin and have only been on two dates in my life. I guess I’m not very attractive or something.
Anyway, at one point I drank about a case of beer and a fifth of liquor per week. At 18 I stopped drinking heavily and switched to smoking pot. That stops the major feelings of hopelessness and allows me to function in some normal state. When I’m baked I really don’t feel like suicide is the answer.
I have contemplated or attempted suicide in varying forms since I was 14. Like so many, my parents divorced twice and I had no sense of a mother. I’d go and visit my “real†mom (who died from an accidental OD when I was 13), then go home for nine months and hear it from my step mom.
The desperation grew.
The first night I attempted suicide I sliced my wrists. I remember the razor I used barely made a mark the first time I used it, so I had to dig it deeper to get blood. I woke up with blood all in my trashcan and a bad headache.
Over the next two years I attempted to hang myself and OD on OTC sleeping pills. My family doctor saw the rope markings from my last attempt and asked me what happened…no problem…my necklace scratched the back of my neck.
Something happened at 16 that changed things. The opportunity of college. Going away from family. Sun, fun, and drugs. The attempts and ideations stopped for several years.
About two years ago I almost got kicked out of school for pot paraphernalia possession. Luckily, I just got kicked out of the residences. All the money I saved up in the dorms was spent in less than 48 hours on a puny apartment. I was there all alone. I began to take anti-anxiety and pain pills to block the unhappiness.
Ever since then things have only gotten worse. I haven’t even been on a date since starting college. My days are filled with schoolwork and my nights are filled with employment. I stated to become a loose cannon…and lost a couple of friends along with my not-so-secret crush due to it.
I have a strong feeling I will be dead shortly…I’m scheduling a late January/early February date. I have spent countless hours researching the perfect methods, networking with all the right pill dealers, and figuring out the perfect lethal cocktail. My final week is already plotted out in my head! I really would rather not die, but my family is fragmented, my group of friends are limited, I have no love life or children. For some reason, the simple thought of committing suicide comforts me like nothing else ever has.
3 comments
http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/please-let-me-help-11/
please let me help. if you want comfort, stop and ask God for it. don’t kill yourself, don’t kill yourself, don’t kill anything. you belong to God, live for Him, please don’t kill yourself. don’t kill yourself, that’s just not going to solve anything. that’s just death, and you know nothing about it with this lack of God in your life.
please don’t kill yourself, just take care, and try to love others as best as you can. try to make sure no one else would ever want to kill themselves. try to give of yourself, and not make decisions just to feel how you want, because that’s self centered, and all too natural. self centeredness led to this world, the way this world is a living hell. don’t you dare contribute.
daniel
hello there, my alias is phoung. its a pleasure to meet you and at the end of my email, i’ll leave you with my email address. I encourage you to come and talk with me whenever you would like.
well, it this is a big problem but it is nothing that can’t be over come. i would like to see you put forth effort and live for tomorrow’s wonders. Of course there will be a shitty day, but there will be the smallest moments when you can just laugh.
as for the being a virgin thing–you’re still young. you’re in college, focus on that. you should be thinking of a better life, not ways to make it worse. you shouldn’t be apart of that trend, sex is the most–misunderstood concept. Many misuse sex in many different ways. And if you decide to become involved in sex, this will be another thing you can add to your list that makes you depressed.
And sides, there are many possibilites that could come after sex: like an STD, unwanted pregnancies, PMS, and pregnancies come with depression if youre a woman such as PPD (postpartum depression). I am glad that you have abstained from sex. When you are ready for it you’ll know. Right now is not the time.
21 is still young and even so, 22 is as well. Side, love knows no age. You’re still growing up and still trying to live and learn.
and please, understand that your life is not in a time frame. You have all the time you need to get everything sorted out. It will take aw hile but it can be done. If you are really sick and tired of being sick and tired–you’ll do something about it. And suicide is not one of those options for you.
I encourage you to send me an email, and dont hesitate please. I would love to hear from. But its your choice whether or not you would like to.
silly.snowball@Yahoo.com
Please don’t deprive the world of knowing you by commiting such a desperate act. I’ve been where you are and I know the pain and sorrow that leads you to think that death is the only solution. But it isn’t the answer and the end is scary and isolating in the extreme. I have been to the brink twice and am thankful that the attempts didn’t succeed. You say that you have no friends and that your family is fractured, but what do you think would happen if you were suddenly gone? You are special, unique, loved by many and needed by more than you realize.
I don’t even know you and I am moved to strong emotions by reading your post. It takes a lot of strength to put your pain into written words. Thank you for sharing, but I would be more thankful if you would email me or reach out to someone else and not take the route of suicide.
Bless You,
ApocalypsePony