I’m unfortunately at the point where writing a bunch seems pointless because no one seems to want to hear anything I have to say. But, what the heck, I’ll say it to no one.
It is strange though, that the world that has kicked me around all my life, and still does, says, “Don’t do it, talk to someone!†But they seem to add, without saying it, “but not me, not honestly. I’m just here to spout platitudes at you and tell you it will be all right.â€
I’ve figured out that it isn’t going to be all right. I’m 33, I’ve been depressed off and on since 10. I’ve been on most existing meds, I’ve had sixteen ECT treatments, I’ve been in therapy most of my life. It’s been four years now since the latest depression began, and it’s not ending.
I carry a great deal of guilt about what this will do to my amazing husband; he is the only reason I’ve stuck around this long. But, I am growing weary. I can’t stand this world, and I really can’t stand most people in it. I don’t want to make it better, I just want to leave it behind. I’ve decided to wait until after the holidays, because I don’t want my husband to have that view of x-mas every year, but the time is near.
To all those that try to save people here and mean well: I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone, and I’m sorry you see it as selfish, but wanting us to be in so much pain for so many years is selfish too. I spent a few decades trying to make the world better. It’s not. I’m done.
4 comments
Ugh. That second paragraph. So true. Everyone tells me to find help, but they’re unwilling to extend a hand themselves. Psychologists even think I’m hopeless. One told me to find a specialist. I was so angry. Am I too much for even him?
I know how you’re feeling better than anyone. the only reason I havent done it, the only reason I am still alive is because there are three or four people around me that I love. You have your husband. I’m not sure how much longer I will be around but I’ll stay as long as I can bear it but I’m going to tell you something. The pain you feel, that I feel…its unknowable to most others. So heavy and undying that you wish it would kill you already. You love your husband dearly. If you were to take your life…that unknowable pain you and I and many others on this site know so well…you would be giving that to your husband. Inflicting on him the kind of pain that’s driven us to suicidal thoughts and behaviors. You have someone you love. The ones I love…they’ve hurt me and they can’t make any of the pain go away. But you have your husband. He loves you and you love him more than you love yourself, otherwise you would’ve gone long ago. So if you love him more than you love yourself, don’t inflict onto him the pain you feel, the pain I feel, the pain we feel… If you are planning on doing it anyway do one thing. If not for you, for your husband, if not for him, then do it for me. A complete absolute stranger on the internet who knows EXACTLY what you feel. Just talk to your husband. Tell him everything you’ve typed up and tell him that you live for him. He will be the only one to save you. You are lucky you can have a live savior like your husband. I envy you and because I do don’t end you life if you have someone who can take the pain away. maybe not as quickly as death, but that way you wont inflict on him the unbearable pain we feel now…I don’t know you but, I hope you talk to him. I hope he saves you. I hope you will be happy.
I agree with you completely, but I guess this reminds me of a line in a movie called “The Hours”. it says “That is what people do, they stay alive for each other”… I remember that a lot when people tell me “don’t do it to your family”… my family doesn’t give a shit about me as a person, but as anyone leaves this world, they also leave an empty space in people’s lives that no one else can replace, not because they love or hate you, but because it’s just you, it’s just life and each person who leaves makes nonrefillable hole in it… it’s that simple, but I tell you something, it seems like now you don’t really care much about life… I mean you talk like it doesn’t mean anything to you now, if so, then trust me… now you can really in enjoy your life!…
I thought this was a site for people who had a clue. As for the guilt trips laid out above – kiss my a$$.