I Don’t Need You Anymore

I’ve come to this website for months, expressing all my feelings of inferiority, hate, and disgust with myself. It’s been somewhat helpful, and the people I’ve met here seem like honestly good-hearted people with the same problem as me: they don’t wish to live anymore.

The few past events that occurred in my life have made me realize how much I don’t need this website anymore.

Two weeks ago, I walked out of the bathroom of my house and did what I look back on now as a godsend. Then, it was considered a mistake. I came out of the bathroom, tears on my face, cheeks red, and considerably weaker than before I purged. My mother saw this, and having dealt with it with me before, immediately knew what was going on. She thrust me into my room and started yelling at me, her face full of tears. It was something out of a drama film, except the emotion behind her voice and her tears were not something that could be faked. I felt so disgusted with myself, and I only made it through the encounter knowing that I would cut myself afterwards. When my mother finally hugged me and left me alone in my room, I told myself to go get the tiny plastic tin that held my three blood-covered razor blades.

But, I didn’t. I went to sleep, and as my insomnia kept me up I had more time to think about what happened. And then, an epiphany. I was actually going to be alright. I still had an intense disgust for myself, but something assured me it was going to fade.

I’m not through with my life, I’m through with myself wanting my life to end. Although rebuilding my self-esteem and getting rid of my inferiority complex will take an extremely long time, I know that I would rather take centuries of healing than months of more pain; physically or mentally.

Goodbye to you, suicideproject.com, and goodbye to all of you. You will be just fine, or so I hope.

Love,
CJ