Throughout my life I always new I was different. I didn’t make friends like the other children, and I was always alone. I was my own best friend. I ate lunch alone, and was alone throughout most of my childhood with the exception of my older siblings and my mom. When I was a teenager I had a slight breakdown because I remembered being molested as a child, but with the help of my mom I managed to get through it and piece what was left of my life together. I learned to throw myself into school, and I was the star student with a perfect GPA and was the model student at my high school. College was the same in regard to my performance etc. I didn’t have friends in college, and no one really ever noticed I was around for socializing. However, people did ask questions about homework and material from the course. If someone did speak to me, I always knew it was regarding a course and nothing more.
I was overweight in high school and at the beginning of college, but I did find a solution. I started running and smoking to curb my appetite — also I discovered bulimia. I went from being a 5-9, 200 lb male to 135 lbs. I thought that was it, I had found the solution to only realize nothing changed.
I graduated a year early from college, and moved to grad school and was once again the star; however, my inner unhappiness finally emerged. I started going down in terms of my research abilities. I had to switch groups which opened the door to travel to many places including California where I found peace many times.
I went through grad school and had acquaintances, but no real friends, and I never really dated. Who would want to date me anyway.
I graduated early with a Ph.D. at 25, and moved to many places, and I have always observed the same result. I wanted to go to California after grad school but that didn’t happen. I turned to many things to cope including alcohol and hard drugs, as well as, many many other things I can’t bring myself to talk about, but I haven’t filled the void of not having friends.
I am now 29 years old, a college professor, successful, and I am completely alone. My cell phone rings usually once a day because my mom likes to check in. I am a long distance from home. I used to run to the phone to see if it was someone else, but alas it never is. I have done a lot of things to just improve the way I look to make people want me or at least talk to me. I have done a lot of work to my teeth to make them perfect, I go to the most expensive hair place, plastic surgery, and I have a personal trainer. None of it has worked. In fact, I now feel more alone. I do have maybe three or four friends, but they don’t know how I feel. I am good at covering things.
I do a lot of good things for people, and I think I have made a positive impact on the lives of many students. My teaching record is the one thing that makes me smile. I have made a difference not to sound arrogant. I work hard to help others to fill my void, but there is no one who can help me. I am scared for the first time in my life. I am really scared. I know that no matter how much I help people there will always be this dark shadow within telling me that I am destined to be alone. I got a tattoo across my stomach of a black heart to symbolize my inner loneliness. Nothing can help. I have tried every facet known to people just to be hurt badly in return. I am never good enough to be around unless they need money or help in some other manner.
I don’t think I will see another new years. At work I think of how an “accident” could happen just to spare my mom of the pain. If she wasnt in the picture, my heart would have stopped a long time ago. Is there one reason why I should go on besides my mom? That is the million dollar question because I know in my heart and my soul that I am done with life. I will not be breathing in a year. I can’t withstand the pain of being invisible, being nothing, being unloved, unwanted, undesired, I am nothing but invisible or a shadow of a person who has already died inside. I am not asking for sympathy because we make our own lives and destiny. We engineer our own lives. I honestly believed that good karma existed. All I need is one reason to say ok I want to continue to wake up in the mornings. I can’t withstand the pain much longer without a good reason.
Dec. 24th, 2010 is my last day.
All things considered, I have decided that I cannot handle being alone. The void is consuming me. It is my dark shadow. That’s how I feel–I am a shadow of a human being. It hurts beyond belief. I run to the phone or computer or whatever just hoping someone wants to talk to me.