Sometimes it just takes a third party or an anonymous person to comment andÂ show that they understand or can relate.Â It has been years that I have been fighting the urge to kill myself.Â I used to stock up on medications that I had reactions too, in order to prepare for the day that I took them all.Â Well, one day in therapy I admitted that I had the stockpile of meds & my psychiatrist made me agree to get rid of them.Â Which I did because I know that I have a loving husband & 2 great kids.Â No friends though.Â My brain is just wired to not appreciate life.Â I’m so tired of fighting it and faking the happiness.Â I wrote a poem years ago, that STILL rings true today.Â Still true even though I’ve been in psych wards, intense therapy, group therapy, and even a 30 day program. When will things change????
Years of hard fought inner battles
against the demons in my own mind,
erode away any trace of my strength
My emotions are left to retreat behind
a thick wall of sarcasm and fear
Any outside attempt at closeness
provoke fear and hate
in a voice too weak to understand why.
Is this honestly a life?
Too much time passes,
Iâ€™m unable to feel,
The wall surrounds me now
What once was a shelter now suffocates me.
Lost in my own mind I begin to crumble.
Afraid that I could fall apart
until I cease to exist……