I don’t know how I feel

  January 24th, 2010 by Sebs

I just read a post someone had written, saying they were not suicidal but just wanted to die. I know exactly how they feel, it was like reading my own thoughts.

I really don’t want to kill myself, but when I am driving I find myself wishing somone would crash into me. When I am in class I wish the building would catch on fire. I don’t want to die, but I want something to happen that reminds me I am alive.

I’m a 23 girl, and to the outside world my life is good. I am doing a masters degree in mental health nursing, I have a family who loves me. What people don’t see is the mess my head is in. At the moment I hate myself because of my relationship with my sister, who is 20. She recently moved out to start university, she is living in halls and loving it. We go to the same uni, as we both wanted to be close to home, so I go see her and stay with her 2 or three nights a week. However, recently I hate being there. I feel like I am such a burden on her, like she doesn’t need her stupid depressed step sister hanging round her all the time. I want to be with her all the time, and when she goes out with her friends it feels like a personal insult. She has this guy who she is getting with, its the start of a relationship for her, and I hate it. I can’t have her talk about him when I am around, and I refuse to meet him. I want her all to myself, and I hate the thought there is someone else she would rather spend time with, she is my only friend and she doesn’t want me around. I feel like she is the only person in my family who would be better off if i died. If I wasn’t around, if i just dropped down dead, she would be free to live her life without having to worry about me. My step dad told me that she didn’t ring me one night because she needed space from me, which made me feel horrible. I didn’t think that I was bad around her, I thought I was happy and good company. Apparently not, she is so scared of saying the wrong thing to me that she needs space when she spends 2 nights a week with me. I must be bad. If my own sister can’t stand to be around me, why should I expect anyone not related to me to want to.
I don’t have any friends, I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’m a 23 year old virgin because I repulse people so much. I feel so worthless, so completly useless. But, if you were to meet me you wouldn’t know, I am bright, fun, confident and outwardly happy. There are two me’s. there is the outward one, who everyone likes and people want to be around, then there is the real me. The real me is dark, down and heavy. The real me is a heavy weight in my chest, weighing me down all the time. I sit and think, and I can’t think of one positive thing about me, my counsellor told me to make a list of all the reasons people like me. I couldn’t do it, because I don’t think the good things are me, they are the fake me that I show the world, not the real me inside.

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