Back again

This is my third post here on this site. Honestly, I love this website. It has saved me from resorting to more foolish coping mechanisms. This time around I find myself faced with…an abnormal (for lack of a better term) amount of stress. I am hoping to study abroad in Japan next year, but have no money to do so. I need scholarships for the trip, but my grades have been slipping lately. My grades continue to go down the drain because I’m lacking motivation. I lack motivation, because I, like many of the rest of you here, can’t seem to stop thinking about how useless, hopeless, fat, ugly, unwanted, foolish and careless I am. I’m losing touch again with all my important friends and I don’t know how to stop it. I have no money yet I continue to spend because how else am I going to live? I have been dealing with this for about….5 months now. I seriously am just tired. I could sleep all day, fuck, all week and still wouldn’t feel better. It’s that kind of exhaustion that erodes your very bones. It can actually feel like you don’t have bones at times (strange way of putting it but hey, if you get it you get it). Here’s the kicker though, this is the part that really, really gets me.

I wouldn’t care about ANY of that shit up there, if I could confirm my existence. That might sound like a tall order but you know what? It’s not…for everyone else except you and me here. All I need personally, to confirm MY existence…is for someone else to confirm it. I just want someone, who isn’t family nor just a friend, to tell me that I’m fine the way I am. Some of you may not need it, some of you may even think I’m pathetic FOR needing it. I don’t care. It’s all I want and I would trade anything in the world to get it. What’s so wrong with wanting your loved one’s sweet, delicate voice sweeping into your ear telling you the words you longed to hear for so long; ‘I love you, you and only you. Everything that you are, were and will be, I love. My dearest wish is to spend the rest of my life with you, raising a family, living in a house, sharing precious memories together. Forever.’ Why do I want to hear that? Because more than hearing it, I want to be able to say it to someone. All I’ve wanted, in all the years I’ve been alive, is to be able to say those words to someone and have them accept it. When they accept that, they accept me. My existence is confirmed and needed by someone who didn’t feel obliged to say it. Who said it, simply because they wanted to. Think about it, is this really so much to ask? I mean really? Asking to trade everything that I have and am for what simply falls into other people’s laps? All I want is that special girl to come up to me and tell me that ‘It’s ok. You don’t need to hurt, anymore.’ But whenever I look over my shoulder, there is no one running up to me. Whenever I think about loving someone, my mind tells me to forget, it’s hopeless, you’re hopeless. Whenever I listen to the wind, hoping to catch the words ‘I love you’ riding amongst it, I find the air to be just air and those words are nowhere to be heard.